And you’re not getting any more sleep.Second in the Sh!t No One Tells You series, in The Sh!t No One Tells You About Toddlers Dawn Dais tells it like it is – again – offering real advice for parents of growing children. Filled with tips, encouragement, and a strong dose of humor, The Sh!t No One Tells You About Toddlers is a survival handbook for parents on the edge.Chapters include:You Suck at This. It’s not just your imagination.Walking Is Hard. Bruising is considerably less difficult.Remember When You Judged Other Parents? Prepare to eat your words, with a side of karma’s a bitch.Restaurants Are Battle Zones. Spoiler Alert: You are not the victor.Kids Get Sick. Then everyone gets sick.This Childhood Will Be Televised. Hello, camera phones.Your TV Has Been Hijacked. By things with very high-pitched voices.Coming from one empathetic parent to another, the tips in this book are real, clever, honest, and designed to make life with a terrible two- or three-year-old a little bit more manageable. Hilarious, helpful, and handy, this book will be appreciated by any parent who has asked: “Why didn’t anybody warn me that unconditional love would be so much work?”

    From the high chair to a vinyl restaurant booth on date night, Lela Davidson has captured life on the cul-de-sac with a husband, two kids, and the occasional pet. Whether failing at cloth diaper origami or smug in knowledge that her children have never consumed a PopTart, Lela assures parents they are not alone, and that it's okay to laugh—at yourself, and at your kids. These are the stories of every parent—even if we don't always tell them out loud. Each of these 62 essays can be read in under five minutes for a quick laugh—either with or at the author.As a CPA on the mommy track, all Lela wanted to do was sit on the driveway and drink wine out of a box with the neighbors. Luckily, she started writing down her stories instead. Whether tackling PTA meetings, neighborhood politics, or inflation-by-Tooth Fairy, Lela exposes the humor in every awkward moment and maternal meltdown. From a trendy Seattle condo, to a tidy Arkansas subdivision, Lela shares the comic side of family life. She takes you to Mexican bars, the hockey rinks of St. Louis, ski slopes near Santa Fe, shopping in Dallas, and even introduces you to a few strippers—the novices on the playgrounds of New York City, and the pros in Vegas. Lela says what the rest of us are thinking. Her hilarious observations and subtle satire are always spot on. She's not afraid to reveal her screw-ups, along with fleeting delusional moments of wherein she honestly believes she is the best mom ever.

    Raising kids is hard work. The pay sucks, your boss is a tyrant, and the working conditions are pitiful – you can't even take a bathroom break without being interrupted with another outrageous demand. Hasn't every mother said it before? “I just want to pee alone!” I Just Want to Pee Alone is a collection of hilarious essays from 37 of the most kick ass mom bloggers on the web. Including: People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Insane in the Mom-Brain, The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva, Baby Sideburns, and Rants From Mommyland. Read hysterical essays like: Embarrassment, Thy Name is Motherhood A Pinterest-Perfect Mom, I am Not And Then There was that Time a Priest Called Me a Terrible Mother So She Thought She Could Cut Off My Stroller

    It's a lifestyle, and a purrvilege. It's hours of observing a fly on the wall. It's entering the sock drawer just before it closes. It's sniffing the lampshade one more time . . .'Such is the wisdom of Curious Zelda: social media star, agony aunt, yoga teacher, cat. In The Adventures of a Curious Cat she details her escapades - giving insight into her unique view of the world and dispensing unparalleled wisdom. Zelda will guide readers through the trials and tribulations of life as a cat, such as Living with Humans, Dating, Travel, Cooking and Clawing the Furniture. The perfect gift for cat lovers or for giving advice to the favourite feline in your life.

     From the dawn of time, other people's kids have found ways to spoil things for the rest of us. Movie theaters, parks, restaurants -- every venue that should be a place of refuge and relaxation has instead become a freewheeling playground complete with shrieks, wails, and ill-timed excretions. Now, I Hate Other People's Kids delivers a complete handbook for navigating a world filled with tiny terrors -- and their parents. It boldly explores how children's less- endearing traits have disrupted life throughout history ("And they say Jesus loved the little children, all the children of the world, but he never had to dine with one. He chose the lepers") and classifies important subspecies of tyke, from "Little Monsters" (Dennis the Menace, Bamm-Bamm Rubble) to the "So Good It Hurts" variety (Dakota Fanning, Ricky Schroeder in The Champ). Dotted with illuminating sidebars such as "Parents Think It's Cute, but It Isn't" and featuring tips on ingeniously turning the tables without seeming childish yourself, I Hate Other People's Kids is clever, unforgiving, and sidesplittingly funny.

    In this hilarious book of tongue-in-cheek poetry, the author of the internationally syndicated comic strip Sally Forth helps cats unlock their creative potential and explain their odd behaviour to ignorant humans. With titles like Who Is That on Your Lap?, This Is My Chair, Kneel Before Me, Nudge, and Some of My Best Friends Are Dogs, the poems collected in I Could Pee on This perfectly capture the inner workings of the cat psyche. With photos of the cat authors throughout, this whimsical volume reveals kitties at their wackiest, and most exasperating (but always lovable).

    It's the expose to end all exposes--the truth about the suburbs: where they planted trees and crabgrass came up, where they planted the schools and taxes came up, where they died of old age trying to merge onto the freeway and where they finally got sex out of the schools and back into the gutters.

    But, as Rowland says, she would be lying if she said she wasn't also a little freaked out about what had just happened to her body, as well as by many overwhelming new thoughts and emotions. It was a good thing that Dr. Tristan Bickman, Rowland's OB/GYN for the last 14 years, was there, day and night, to answer every single question that popped into her head, no matter how raunchy. With Dr. Bickman no topic is off-limits, and she provided Rowland with the reassurance she so desperately needed, telling her over and over that, in the months after a woman gives birth, nothing is exactly strange--but nothing is necessarily normal, either.There are so many guides to what our kids need, from the time they're the size of a poppy seed to the time they start kindergarten. But what about what the mother needs? In Whoa, Baby!, Rowland and Dr. Bickman team up to cover everything a new mom needs to know: the gross physical stuff; the hormonal and emotional stuff ("Why am I crying five times a day when this is the happiest I've ever been?"); and the just plain weird stuff ("Why did my nipples change colors?"). Listeners will simultaneously cringe in agony and shriek with laughter at the scenarios Rowland and Dr. Bickman describe ("What happens if I fall asleep with the pump on?"; "Why does sex still hurt when I had a C-section?"; "Why are my legs so swollen?").

    We share our own children’s gems with friends and family. If we’re smart, we write down these scraps of accidental poetry. And we turn them into books. Martin Bruckner is an artist and father who not only recorded the sayings of his daughter, Harper, but used each as the inspiration for a work of art. After posting them on social media, Bruckner became the artist that other parents sought out to transform their own children’s funny words into artwork. Collected here are 100 mini-posters of pure delight, a marriage of the children’s surprising wisdom and the artist’s nimble style, plus the occasional backstory that amplifies both. Every parent will recognize the spirited declarations of personality—“I’m training to be a wolf.” The endearing mangling of language—“Mommy, I don’t need your mouth to talk to me right now.” The creative mixing of metaphors—“I need a tissue to wipe my feelings.” Those precious, heartbreaking outbursts without guile or filters—“I only love you at the toy store.” Illustrated with sweetness and whimsy, each is a window into the irresistible innocence of childhood, even if the sentiment is “Dad, please wipe the bum of this beautiful princess.”

    This book affirms that parents are not alone in the daily chaos, struggles and joys of child-rearing.

    Everyone knows that if Scarlett O’Hara had an unlimited text-and-data plan, she’d constantly try to tempt Ashley away from Melanie with suggestive messages. If Mr. Rochester could text Jane Eyre, his ardent missives would obviously be in all-caps. And Daisy Buchanan would not only text while driving, she’d text you to pick her up after she totaled her car. Based on the popular web-feature, Texts from Jane Eyre is a witty, irreverent mashup that brings the characters from your favorite books into the twenty-first century.

    The New York Times bestseller--never shy, frequently crude and always funny, Jenny McCarthy gives the lowdown on pregnancy in the grittiest girlfriend detail Revealing the naked truth about the tremendous joys, the excruciating pains, and the inevitable disfigurement that go along with pregnancy, Jenny McCarthy tells you what you can really expect when you're expecting! From morning sickness and hormonal rage, to hemorrhoids, granny panties, pregnant sex, and the torture and sweet relief that is delivery, Belly Laughs is must-read comic relief for anyone who is pregnant, has ever been pregnant, is trying to get pregnant, or, indeed, has ever been born!

    In it, he takes on his childhood, his marriage, his children, and his career with unexpected candor and deadpan wit, as he shares the neuroses that have plagued him since he was a kid and how they shaped him into the man he is today.In this funny-because-it's-true essay collection, Michael says the kinds of things most people are afraid to admit, and as a husband and father living in the suburbs, asks the question so many of us ask ourselves at one point or another. How did I end up here?