In the meantime, if you'd like to read something that alternates between laugh-out-loud-funny and apocalyptically angry, keep holding this book. Steal it if necessary. In his latest collection of rants, raves, hastily spluttered articles and scarcely literate scrawl, Charlie Brooker proves that there is almost nothing in this universe, big or small, that can't reduce a human being to a state of pure blind hatred. It won't help you lose weight, feel smarter, sleep more soundly, or feel happier about yourself. It will provide you with literally hours of distraction and merriment. It can also be used to stun an intruder, if you hit him with it correctly (hint: strike hard, using the spine, on the bridge of the nose). Only a prick wouldn't buy this book. Don't be that prick.

    Your niece swears that no one expects thank-you letters anymore. Your father-in-law insists that married women have to take their husbands' names. Your guests plead that asking them to commit themselves to attending your party ruins the spontaneity. Who is right? Miss Manners, of course. With all those amateurs issuing unauthorized etiquette pronouncements, aren't you glad that there is a gold standard to consult about what has really changed and what has not? The freshly updated version of the classic bestseller includes the latest letters, essays, and illustrations, along with the laugh-out-loud wisdom of Miss Manners as she meets the new millennium of American misbehavior head-on. This wickedly witty guide rules on the challenges brought about by our ever-evolving society, once again proving that etiquette, far from being an optional extra, is the essential currency of a civilized world.

    Many common behavior problems can be either prevented or minimized by starting a puppy with good foundation training from the beginning. In addition, this book provides a program that will help you create a puppy that is ready for sport-specific training at the appropriate age-a puppy with the ability to focus on whatever you want, for as long as you want, whenever you want. "Paying attention" is its own skill set and teaching it should be separate from teaching your puppy more complex behaviors. Without attention, you won't get as far as you want with all those other behaviors you're going to teach because it's likely they will fall apart in the face of distraction. So it is wise to teach the attention skill set as the "base of operations" for your puppy training. The attention skill set includes: Discrimination skills, self-control skills, and arousal regulation skills. The concepts and suggestions in this book can also be used for rescue dogs that, like puppies, are starting out as "blank slates" as far as your training is concerned. About the Author Leslie McDevitt, MLA, CDBC, CPDT is a Certified Dog Behavior Consultant through the International Association of Animal Behavior Consultants and a Certified Professional Dog Trainer through the Certification Council for Professional Dog Trainers. In 1998, Leslie rescued Gordie, an American Pit Bull/GSD cross that had been badly abused, and in trying desperately to help him through his crushing anxieties and fears, met her inspiration and mentor, world-renowned veterinary behaviorist Dr. Karen Overall. Through Gordie, Leslie found her calling and devoted herself completely to becoming a dog trainer, and later, a behavior consultant.

    So why do so many pampered pets have problems? In this definitive and accessible guide, Cesar Millan-star of National Geographic Channel's hit show Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan-reveals what dogs truly need to live a happy and fulfilled life. From his appearances on The Oprah Winfrey Show to his roster of celebrity clients to his reality television series, Cesar Millan is America's most sought-after dog-behavior expert. But Cesar is not a trainer in the traditional sense-his expertise lies in his unique ability to comprehend dog psychology. Tracing his own amazing journey from a clay-walled farm in Mexico to the celebrity palaces of Los Angeles, Cesar recounts how he learned what makes dogs tick. In Cesar's Way, he shares this wisdom, laying the groundwork for you to have stronger, more satisfying relationships with your canine companions. Cesar's formula for a contented and balanced dog seems impossibly simple: exercise, discipline, and affection, in that order. Taking readers through the basics of dog psychology and behavior, Cesar shares the inside details of some of his most fascinating cases, using them to illustrate how common behavior issues develop and, more important, how they can be corrected. Whether you're having issues with your dog or just want to make a good bond even stronger, this book will give you a deeper appreciation of how your dog sees the world, and it will help make your relationship with your beloved pet a richer and more rewarding one.Learn what goes on inside your dog's mind and develop a positive, fulfilling relationship with your best friendIn Cesar's Way, Cesar Millan-nationally recognized dog expert and star of National Geographic Channel's hit show Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan-helps you see the world through the eyes of your dog so you can finally eliminate problem behaviors.

    Meet the 38 stones man who has never flown before and stands fat chance of ever doing so. The man who thinks his distinct Turkish looks won't go down very with the locals in the Greek half of Cyprus. The passenger who wants to enjoy the flight with his inflatable rubber woman sat on his knee. The man who suspects his false teeth may have been stolen by one of the cabin crew. Meet these delightful people plus many, many more, and enjoy the funniest read you'll have had for ages. If you enjoyed the Henry Root Letters you'll love Dear Air 2000..

    The names have been changed . . . to protect the ignorant.Here is the ultimate collection of the most incredibly stupid and painfully dumb attempts at crime ever brought together.The woman who invalidated her winning $5,000 lottery ticket by altering it to match the $20 prize numberThe accused vending-machine thief who paid his $400 bail entirely in quartersThe streaking robber who thought clothes would make him more identifiableThe convenience store thief who got away with just a hotdog, only to end up in the parking lot choking on the wiener

    First, you will master these basic concepts:* Composition* Exposure* Shutter speed* Aperture* Depth-of-field* ISO* Natural light* Flash* Posing* Troubleshooting bad pictures* Using raw files* Studio lighting* Night photography* HDR* Macro/close-up photographyThen, you will learn the pro's secrets for photographing these subjects:* People (candid, casual, formal, and underwater portraits)* Weddings* Pets* Wildlife (mammals, birds, insects, fish, and more)* Landscapes* Cityscapes* Sunrises and sunsets* Flowers* Forests, waterfalls, and rivers* Fireworks* Stars

    For fans of the hit NBC show, this calorie counter profiles thousands of foods found in grocery stores and in popular restaurants.

    [The book] will teach you to communicate with clarity and precision. As you learn the logic behind the rules of grammar, you'll find it easy to obey them. You'll become the master of: perfect progressives; gender concealers; word substitutes; working words and helping words; joiners and gluers; phrases and clauses; points of punctuation; avoiding common mistakes; how to put all your words together in the clearest, most powerful way.Originally published as A Grammar Book for You and I (Oops! Me).

    This is where the 72,444 words of my latest book are cooked down to fit this space. But how does one do that? Do you reveal pivotal plot points like the one at the end of the book where the little girl on crutches points an accusing finger and shouts, The killer is Mr. Potter?I have too much respect for you as an attention-deficient consumer to attempt such an obvious ruse. But let's not play games here. You picked up the book already, so you either: A. Know who I am B. Liked the cool smoking jacket I'm wearing on the coverC. Have just discovered that the bookstore restroom is out of toilet paper Is it a sequel to my autobiography If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor? Sadly, no, which made it much harder to write. According to my publisher, I haven't done enough since 2001 to warrant another memoir. Is it an autobiographical novel? Yes. I'm the lead character in the story, and I'm a real person, and everything in the book actually happened, except for the stuff that didn't. The action revolves around my preparations for a pivotal role in the A-list relationship film Let's Make Love! But my Homeric attempt to break through the glass ceiling of B-grade genre fare is hampered by a vengeful studio executive and a production that becomes infected by something called the B movie virus, symptoms of which include excessive use of cheesy special effects, slapstick, and projectile vomiting. From a violent fistfight with a Buddhist to a life-altering stint in federal prison, this novel has it all. And if the 72,444 words are too time-consuming, there are lots and lots of cool graphics.Regards, Bruce Don't Call Me Ash CampbellPraise for Make Love the Bruce Campbell WayIt's a great, goofy what-if.---Entertainment WeeklyUltimately, Make Love is a Bruce Campbell novel, starring Bruce Campbell, written for Bruce Campbell fans for whom Bruce Campbell can do no wrong. They'll no doubt find Campbell's latest endeavor nothing short of---to quote one of his most famous characters---groovy.---The OnionOne of the most delightfully deranged experiences you'll have reading this year. Hail to the king, baby.---Rue Morgue

    It wasn't with my husband." Romi Lassally provides a judgment-free zone where women can reveal their mommy misdemeanors. From not feeling like cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night, to barking something completely inappropriate to the children, to wanting to be pawed by hands that aren't covered in jelly, the confessions pour in daily. Heartfelt and hilarious, naughty and nasty, frank and outrageous, the confessions culled together for this book represent the best-or the worst?-of those humbling hidden secrets of motherhood in all its glorious messiness as improvisation and triage. They dare to suggest that it's okay for moms to make mistakes, to have unkind thoughts, to publicly or privately embarrass themselves-and above all to be human.

    Features twenty new chapters that cover such areas as Internet behavior, raising well-mannered children, dating, post-September 11 travel etiquette, tipping, and observing religious ceremonies.

    Features: Over 900 new recipes -- 1,200 in all-reflect current eating habits and lifestyles; 500 new photographs -- over 700 in all-including 60 percent more of finished food than the last edition; Dozens of new recipes offer ethnic flavours, fresh ingredients, or vegetarian appeal; Many recipes feature make-ahead directions or quick-to-the-table meals; New chapter provides recipes for crockery cookers; Efficient, easy-to-read format, with recipes categorised into 21 chapters, each thoroughly indexed for easy reference; Expanded chapter on cooking basics includes advice on food safety, menu planning, table setting, and make-ahead cooking, plus a thorough glossary on ingredients and techniques; Appliance-friendly recipes help cooks save time and creatively use new kitchen tools; Nutrition information with each recipe, plus diabetic exchanges; Contemporary food photography attracts browsers and helps cooks discover new recipes to make; Icons identify low-fat, no-fat, fast, and best-loved recipes; Every recipe tested and perfected by the Better Homes and Gardens Test Kitchen; Revised and updated cooking charts, ingredient photos, emergency substitutions, and equivalents; Respected, reliable kitchen reference with hundreds of cooking terms, tips, and techniques.

    Over 160 large photographs show Hatha expert Sri Swami Satchidananda performing more than 80 postures, breathing practices, relaxation, cleansing and concentration techniques. Instructions are easy to follow and describe how the body and mind benefit from each pose. Practice routines for beginning, intermediate and advanced students are suggested.

    J. O'Rourke's number one New York Times best-selling follow-up. O'Rourke runs hilariously amok by tackling the death of Communism, sanctimonious liberals, and America's perennial bad guy Saddam Hussein in a series of classic dispatches from his coverage of the 1991 Gulf War. Here is our most mordant and unnervingly funny political satirist on: Kuwait City after the Gulf War: "It looked like all the worst rock bands in the world had stayed there at the same time." On Saddam Hussein, O'Rourke muses: "He's got chemical weapons filled with ... chemicals. Maybe he's got The Bomb. And missiles that can reach Riyadh, Tel Aviv, Spokane. Stock up on nonperishable foodstuffs. Grab those Diet Coke cans you were supposed to take to the recycling center and fill them up with home heating oil. Bury the Hummel figurines in the yard. We're all going to die. Details at eleven."