But will they write ANY essay you request? Only the WORST of these horrible companies were employed in the composition of Mindsploitation. A GREAT DEAL of money was wasted ACROSS THE GLOBE to commission what may be the dumbest collection of ridiculous assignments in HUMAN HISTORY.What does it say about our society that we can buy a quick custom eulogy for our grandmother, or pay to have a love poem for a mistress prepared by a stranger at the click of a button? How entitled is a culture that keeps these services afloat? Mindsploitation uses such questions as a launching pad for wildly entertaining comedic exchanges. The 50 assignments in this book hilariously explore self-help, spirituality, family, health, diet, pop culture, love, and more.

    A homage to beer by Cheers actor and beer connoisseur George Wendt, better known as Norm Peterson.

    For example, I was once pinned down by a young lad who repeatedly asked me why I was hitting myself, when he knew full well that I had temporarily ceded hegemony over my hands and forearms. I tried to explain it to him, but he didn’t seem to comprehend. In retrospect, I can only conclude that my explanation was not articulate enough.To that end, I and Phil Plait have teamed up to create precisely 128 insults designed to weaken the resolve of aggressors, while educating them in their primary field of interest. Whether the person pummeling you is a student of mathematics or belles-lettres, we have the right words for the occasion.Zach WeinersmithPS: In the highly likely situation that the person pummeling you refuses to cease his aggression until he understands the meaning of the insult, we have also provided an appendix in which the insults are explained.

    The author shares memories of his improbable past, from a parent-centered Thanksgiving, to playing hooky (and taking notes), to maintaining a termite farm.

    This book was brought to you by the one and only - THE CLOWN FACTORY.

    Now, in this uproarious collection, she sneaks her sharp wit through airport security and delivers her most absurd and hilarious stories ever.On safari in Africa, it's anyone's guess as to what's more dangerous: the wildlife or Chelsea. But whether she's fumbling the seduction of a guide by not knowing where tigers live (Asia, duh) or wearing a bathrobe into the bush because her clothes stopped fitting seven margaritas ago, she's always game for the next misadventure.The situation gets down and dirty as she defiles a kayak in the Bahamas, and outright sweaty as she escapes from a German hospital on crutches. When things get truly scary, like finding herself stuck next to a passenger with bad breath, she knows she can rely on her family to make matters even worse. Thank goodness she has the devoted Chunk by her side-except for the time she loses him in Telluride.Complete with answers to the most frequently asked traveler's questions, hot travel trips, and travel etiquette, none of which should be believed, UGANDA BE KIDDING ME has Chelsea taking on the world, one laugh-out-loud incident at a time.

     The world is full of assholes -- but now you can fight back! Ever wish you could leave a nasty note for that jerk meter maid who ticketed you, or the idiot who didn't clean up after his dog, or your asshole psychotic ex? Now you can! Whether it's the asshole landlord, the asshole cheapskate, the asshole backseat driver, or the constantly cheery asshole, you should never leave home without this useful book ever again! Letters include:Dear Asshole Who Stole My Parking SpaceDear Asshole Who Doesn't Know How to Use Self-CheckoutDear Contagious AssholeDear Constantly Broke AssholeDear Online Dating Asshole Who Lied About Their LooksDear Asshole BossDear Fanatically Religious Asshole at My DoorAnd more!

    It's teeming with savages, thugs, angry toddlers, and disgruntled clowns. And every one of them is secretly mulling a scenario that ends with them kicking you square in the junk. What do you do if you want to take on The Batman and live to brag about it to your kids? What do you do if a rabid alligator picks a fight with your little sister? What do you do if the beloved star of "Forrest Gump" tells you to "shut the hell up" in front of a huge crowd?You read this book. It offers simple, effective instructions for beating up zombies, robots, co-workers—anything. The only limits are your imagination... and your habit of not following through on things, and possibly your uncoordinated, at times comically frail body.

    This crafty revision of English vocabulary posits that Platypus should signify “to give your cat pigtails;” that Flemish should mean “rather like snot;” and that Celtic is in fact a prison for fleas. With nearly 600 new definitions, this side-splitting resource pushes the boundaries of the English language to riotous new limits.

    When I see the hot spittle flying from their mouths and the veins bulging and pulsing above their eyes, well, that’s when I feel truly alive.”So begins If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans, Ann Coulter’s funniest, most devastating, and, yes, most outrageous book to date. Coulter has become the brightest star in the conservative firmament thanks to her razor-sharp reasoning and biting wit. Of course, practically any time she opens her mouth, liberal elites denounce Ann, insisting that “She’s gone too far!” and hopefully predicting that this time it will bring a crashing end to her career. Now you can read all the quotes that have so outraged her enemies and so delighted her legions of fans. More than just the definitive collection of Coulterisms, If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans includes dozens of brand-new commentaries written by Coulter and hundreds of never-before-published quotations. This is Ann at her best, covering every topic from A to Z. Here you’ll read Coulter’s take on:• Her politics: “As far as I’m concerned, I’m a middle-of-the-road moderate and the rest of you are crazy.”• Hillary Clinton: “Hillary wants to be the first woman president, which would also make her the first woman in a Clinton administration to sit behind the desk in the Oval Office instead of under it.” • The environment: “God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, ‘Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It’s yours.’” • Religion: “It’s become increasingly difficult to distinguish the pronouncements of the Episcopal Church from the latest Madonna video.”• Global warming: “The temperature of the planet has increased about one degree Fahrenheit in the last century. So imagine a summer afternoon when it’s 63 degrees and the next thing you know it’s . . . 64 degrees. Ahhhh!!!! Run for your lives, everybody! Women and children first!” • Gun control: “Mass murderers apparently can’t read, since they are constantly shooting up ‘gun-free zones.’”• Bill Clinton: “Bill Clinton’s library is the first one to ever feature an Adults Only section.”• Illegal aliens: “I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.”If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans is a must-have for anyone who loves (or loves to hate) Ann Coulter.

    There I was with no make-up on, hadn't showered, eating raw cookie dough out of the tube, hitting on the toothless bagger at the commissary, and ordering jewelry off the TV. And that was just my first day!"Confessions of a Military Wife is an honest, witty, and often hilarious look at the life of the new generation military wife. Mollie Gross learned the hard way to laugh instead of cry at what she could not control as a military spouse-and as she quickly discovered, nearly everything was out of her control!A standup comedienne, public speaker, and wife of a Marine Corps officer, Mollie explores everything about the "issued" spouse, from deployment and the stress of having a husband in a combat zone, to the realization that marriage changes when your husband returns home from war. Nothing is taboo or out-of-bounds in Confessions, including the "parties" military wives throw for themselves before hubby returns. (You'll have to read the book to find out about those!)More than one million American servicemen have deployed to war over the last few years, which means the lives and lifestyles of military wives are now front and center in the public's curiosity. How do they live? What is their day-to-day life like? How do they interact? How do they deal with weeks and months of separation? The answers will surprise (and in some cases, shock) you. Confessions teaches all women, whether civilian or military, that they can learn to find the funny side of anything by embracing the situation and changing their perspective. And now they can do so with humor and levity, and a little wisdom.Evocative and provocative, Confessions of a Military Wife is a can't-put-down book that will leave you laughing and crying at the same time.

    After reading this book, you’ll be far better equipped to deal with all that Finland can throw at you, from sauna spankings to drunken Santas. You will understand very Finnish problems like these:> When you have to explain for the 100th time that Moomin isn’t a hippo.> When everybody else’s name is like something from The Lord of the Rings.> When the weather forecast for Midsummer matches that for Christmas.> When there’s over 60 words for “snow”, but not one for “please”.> When alcohol is a universal permission to go totally insane.> When you realize you’re only one country away from North Korea.> When you forget that summer cottage is another word for labour camp.> When you have to share the sauna with a masochist.> When people don’t get your sarcasm."101 Very Finnish Problems is a fantastically funny book. I guarded it with my life – but then I did read it on my smartphone. My 102nd very Finnish problem was that it ended too soon." – André Wickström, comedian

    Today, more than 35 million people in the United States and Canada spend hours upon hours each week on their fantasy sports teams. And as the Senior Fantasy Sports Analyst for ESPN, Matthew Berry is on the front lines of what has grown from a niche subculture into a national pastime. In Fantasy Life, Berry celebrates every aspect of the fantasy sports world. Brilliant trash talk. Unbelievable trophies. Insane draft day locations. Shake-your-head-in-disbelief punishments. Ingenious attempts at cheating. And surprisingly uplifting stories that remind us why we play these games in the first place. Written with the same award-winning style that has made Berry one of the most popular columnists on ESPN.com, Fantasy Life is a book for both hard-core fantasy players and people who have never played before. Between tales of love and hate, birth and death, tattoos and furry animal costumes, the White House Situation Room and a 126-pound golden pelican, Matthew chronicles his journey from a fourteen-year-old fantasy player to the face of fantasy sports for the largest sports media company in the world. Fantasy will save your life. Fantasy will set you free. And fantasy life is most definitely better than real life. You'll see.

    You go to save the presentation that's taken you all week to complete—only to discover it's corrupt. Your bank slaps you with a $25 charge for overdrafting 25 cents… And all you can think is…WTF?Luckily for you, this book fills in the blanks and gives you humorous ideas for what to do when life makes them say, "what the f*#!?" Step by step, the authors take readers through inventively therapeutic, sometimes illegal, always hilarious solutions to life's many problematic situations.Whether it happens at the office or at home, out on the town or in the bedroom, life's most f*#!'ed-up situations are covered in this entertaining guide. Rather than turn lemons into lemonade, this book spits lemon juice into life's eye and gives it a good kick to the junk.

    Brings together three hilarious pieces by America's comic genius: Without Feathers, a secret journal that addresses life's "big" questions; Getting Even, Woody as psychologist, historian, and philosopher; and Side Effects, Woody's take on UFOs and more.