Stay Sexy & Don’t Get Murdered: The Definitive How-To Guide
Karen Kilgariff - 2019
Includes special bonus material!Sharing never-before-heard stories ranging from their struggles with depression, eating disorders, and addiction, Karen and Georgia irreverently recount their biggest mistakes and deepest fears, reflecting on the formative life events that shaped them into two of the most followed voices in the nation.In Stay Sexy & Don’t Get Murdered, Karen and Georgia focus on the importance of self-advocating and valuing personal safety over being ‘nice’ or ‘helpful.’ They delve into their own pasts, true crime stories, and beyond to discuss meaningful cultural and societal issues with fierce empathy and unapologetic frankness.
Nerd Do Well
Simon Pegg - 2009
Having blasted onto the small screens with his now legendary sitcom Spaced, his rise to nation's favourite son status has been mercurial, meteoric, megatronnic, but mostly just plain great.From his childhood (and subsequently adult) obsession with Star Wars, his often passionate friendship with Nick Frost, and his forays into stand-up which began with his regular Monday morning slot in front of his 12-year-old classmates, this is a joyous tale of a homegrown superstar and a local boy made good.
The Last Testament: A Memoir by God
David Javerbaum - 2011
And not just seen. In fact, the multi-talented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, the life of every human being who has ever lived, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post–Simon Cowell era. Now, as the earth he has godded so magnificently draws to a Mayan-induced close, God breaks his 1,400-year literary silence with his final masterpiece, The Last Testament. As dictated to his mortal amanuensis, 11-time Emmy Award–winning comedy writer David Javerbaum, God looks back with unprecedented candor on his time in the public sector. He takes us behind the scenes of Genesis, setting the record (un)straight on the real first couple, Adam and Steve, and challenging long-held notions about the viability of containing a phylogenetically complete double bestiary within a 450,000-cubic-cubit watercraft. For the first time, he breaks his silence on Jesus Christ, shedding light on a father-son relationship as heartwarming as Will and Jaden Smith’s. And he reveals his true feelings about his third great faith, Islam, WHICH ARE NOTHING BUT POSITIVE AND RESPECTFUL. But The Last Testament doesn’t just look back. It also offers God’s perspectives on the perennial quagmires of love, marriage, and smiting. And he takes an 27.99 unfiltered look at contemporary society, addressing such hot-button topics as:
• Why he loves America
• What he listens for in a good prayer
• Which sports teams he really roots for
• Which celebrities are totally gay
Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is a tale of courage, adversity, and triumph. It’s the ultimate celebrity autobiography, sure to appeal to not only hardcore God fans and “worshipers,” but to anyone who’s ever had total omnipotence. If you place complete faith in the literal truth of one book written by God, make it The Last Testament.
Little Me: My Life from A-Z
Matt Lucas - 2017
Welcome to my autobiography. Throughout this book I talk about my life and work, including Little Britain, Come Fly With Me, Bridesmaids, Les Miserables, Alice In Wonderland and, of course, Shooting Stars. The thing is, this is a bit different to most memoirs you may have read, because it comes in the form of an A-Z. For instance, B is for Baldy! - which is what people used to shout at me in the playground (not much fun), G is for Gay (because I'm an actual real life gay) and T is for the TARDIS (because I'm a companion in Doctor Who now). You get the sort of thing. Anyway I hope you buy it at least twice. Thank you.
As Good As It Gets: Life Lessons from a Reluctant Adult
Romesh Ranganathan - 2020
Confronted by the realities of adulthood, Romesh Ranganathan must face an uncomfortable truth: this is not quite how he imagined it.Watching his friends descend into middle age, his waistline thicken and his finances dwindle to fund his family’s middle class aspirations, Romesh reflects on the demands of daily life and the challenges of adulting in the modern world.As he reluctantly concludes that he is indeed a grown man, Rom wrestles with the greater questions that threaten his being: Could I save my family in a crisis? Do I possess the skills to assemble flatpack furniture? Am I too old for streetwear? Is it alright to parent my kids through the medium of Fortnite? Is celibacy the secret to a passionate marriage?From one of the countries most beloved comedians and author of the Sunday Times bestseller STRAIGHT OUTTA CRAWLEY comes the hilarious and painfully accurate dissection of what it really means to grow up.
Girl Walks Into a Bar...: Comedy Calamities, Dating Disasters, and a Midlife Miracle
Rachel Dratch - 2012
Anyone who saw an episode of Saturday Night Live between 1999 and 2006 knows Rachel Dratch. She was hilarious! So what happened to her? After a misbegotten part as Jenna on the pilot of 30 Rock, Dratch was only getting offered roles as "Lesbians. Secretaries. Sometimes secretaries who are lesbians."Her career at a low point, Dratch suddenly had time for yoga, dog- sitting, learning Spanish-and dating. After all, what did a forty- something single woman living in New York have to lose? Resigned to childlessness but still hoping for romance, Dratch was out for drinks with a friend when she met John.Handsome and funny, after only six months of dating long-distance, he became the inadvertent father of her wholly unplanned, undreamed-of child, and moved to New York to be a dad. With riotous humor, Dratch recounts breaking the news to her bewildered parents, the awe of her single friends, and the awkwardness of a baby-care class where the instructor kept tossing out the f-word.Filled with great behind-the-scenes anecdotes from Dratch's time on SNL, Girl Walks into a Bar... is a refreshing version of the "happily ever after" story that proves female comics-like bestsellers Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler-are truly having their moment.
How to Be Black
Baratunde R. Thurston - 2012
Audacious, cunning, and razor-sharp, How to Be Black exposes the mass-media’s insidiously racist, monochromatic portrayal of black culture’s richness and variety. Fans of Stuff White People Like, This Week in Blackness, and Ending Racism in About an Hour will be captivated, uplifted, incensed, and inspired by this hilarious and powerful attack on America’s blacklisting of black culture: Baratunde Thurston’s How to Be Black.
Heads Will Roll
Kate McKinnon - 2019
Produced by Broadway Video, this is not an audiobook-it's a 10-episode, star-studded, audio comedy that features performances from Meryl Streep, Tim Gunn, Peter Dinklage, Queer Eye's Fab Five, and so many more. Queen Mortuana of the Night Realm (McKinnon) and her ditsy raven minion JoJo (Lynne) receive a prophecy about a peasant uprising. Together, they must journey to find the "Shard of Acquiescence," which will put down the rebellion and save the throne. Will their friendship survive sensitive generals, chatty sex slaves, whiny behemoths, princes with bird fetishes, and the notion of democracy? This raunchy satire also includes the wicked talents of Andrea Martin, Carol Kane, Audra McDonald, Aidy Bryant, Alex Moffat, Heidi Gardner, Chris Redd, Steve Higgins, Bob the Drag Queen, Esther Perel, and more. So, hold on to your head, and let the bad times roll.
If You Ask Me (And of Course You Won't)
Betty White - 2011
Drawing from a lifetime of lessons learned, seven-time Emmy winner Betty White's wit and wisdom take center stage as she tackles topics like friendship, romantic love, aging, television, fans, love for animals, and the brave new world of celebrity. If You Ask Me mixes her thoughtful observations with humorous stories from a seven- decade career in Hollywood. Longtime fans and new fans alike will relish Betty's candid take on everything from her rumored crush on Robert Redford (true) to her beauty regimen ("I have no idea what color my hair is and I never intend to find out") to the Facebook campaign that helped persuade her to host Saturday Night Live despite her having declined the hosting job three times already. Featuring all-new material, with a focus on the past fifteen years of her life, If You Ask Me is funny, sweet, and to the point-just like Betty White.
The Indignities of Being a Woman
Merrill Markoe - 2018
Why the hell are women - 51% of the population - being treated like second class citizens? The Indignities of Being a Woman candidly traces the history of womanhood and investigates how much things have really changed for womankind. By carefully x-raying areas such as body image, marriage, mental illness, fashion, and politics, this audiobook examines what it was like to be a woman in the past versus what it’s like now, when women are constantly told equality between the sexes exists but reality proves otherwise.It’s the brainchild of two childless comedians, Merrill Markoe and Megan Koester. Markoe is a multi-award-winning comedy writer whose credits span television, magazines, and books. She has four Emmy Awards, one for each of her dogs. Koester has written for VICE, Jezebel and the Guardian and has one basic cable acting credit. The two writers—one a comedy veteran, the other an emerging talent—intersperse their dry wit with their own experiences of being long-suffering feminists in the modern world.
Screwball
Simon Rich - 2019
Before he was “Babe” or “The Sultan of Swat” or “The Great Bambino”, George Herman Ruth was just another teenage misfit at St. Mary’s School for Boys. But Ruth has something the other boys don’t, and when Baltimore Orioles manager Jack Dunn watches him throw a baseball over a building, Ruth gets the chance to punch his ticket out of the orphanage. All he has to do now is make the team. For help navigating life in the Minor Leagues, good-natured Ruth is paired with another rookie, one Jack Dunn, Jr., the coach’s son. Even though they’re the same age, Ruth looks up to his new pal and roommate. But despite his encyclopedic knowledge of the game and austere work ethic, “Junior” (as his teammates mockingly refer to him) can’t field a ground ball to save his life. When Babe makes the roster and Junior doesn’t, their budding friendship feels the strain. As Ruth’s otherworldly on-field abilities - and cringeworthy off-field antics - become the focus of the Orioles’ best season yet, jealous Junior resolves to sabotage the naïve and unsuspecting Babe. It’s a choice that could prove catastrophic for not only the young phenom, but also Junior, his father and the entire sport of baseball. Told from Babe’s point of view, the hilarious and heart-felt Screwball is a classic story of friendship, envy and a legend in the making that listeners will find impossible not to love.
A Very Punchable Face
Colin Jost - 2020
From growing up in a family of firefighters on Staten Island to commuting three hours a day to high school and “seeing the sights” (like watching a Russian woman throw a stroller off the back of a ferry), to attending Harvard while Facebook was created, Jost shares how he has navigated the world like a slightly smarter Forrest Gump.You’ll also discover things about Jost that will surprise and confuse you, like how Jimmy Buffett saved his life, how Czech teenagers attacked him with potato salad, how an insect laid eggs inside his legs, and how he competed in a twenty-five-man match at WrestleMania (and almost won). You’ll go behind the scenes at SNL and Weekend Update (where he’s written some of the most memorable sketches and jokes of the past fifteen years). And you’ll experience the life of a touring stand-up comedian—from performing in rural college cafeterias at noon to opening for Dave Chappelle at Radio City Music Hall.For every accomplishment (hosting the Emmys), there is a setback (hosting the Emmys). And for every absurd moment (watching paramedics give CPR to a raccoon), there is an honest, emotional one (recounting his mother’s experience on the scene of the Twin Towers’ collapse on 9/11). Told with a healthy dose of self-deprecation, A Very Punchable Face reveals the brilliant mind behind some of the dumbest sketches on television, and lays bare the heart and humor of a hardworking guy—with a face you can’t help but want to punch.
I Know I Am, But What Are You?
Samantha Bee - 2010
Critics have called her "sweet, adorable, and vicious." But there is so much more to be said about Samantha Bee. For one, she's Canadian. Whatever that means. And now, she opens up for the very first time about her checkered Canadian past. With charming candor, she admits to her Lennie from "Of Mice and Men"-style love of baby animals, her teenage crime spree as one-half of a car-thieving couple (Bonnie and Clyde in Bermuda shorts and braces), and the fact that strangers seem compelled to show her their genitals. She also details her intriguing career history, which includes stints working in a frame store, at a penis clinic, and as a Japanese anime character in a touring children's show.Samantha delves into all these topics and many more in this thoroughly hilarious, unabashedly frank collection of personal essays. Whether detailing the creepiness that ensues when strangers assume that your mom is your lesbian lover, or recalling her girlhood crush on Jesus (who looked like Kris Kristofferson and sang like Kenny Loggins), Samantha turns the spotlight on her own imperfect yet highly entertaining life as relentlessly as she skewers hapless interview subjects on "The Daily Show." She shares her unique point of view on a variety of subjects as wide ranging as her deep affinity for old people, to her hatred of hot ham. It's all here, in irresistible prose that will leave you in stitches and eager for more.
How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country
Daniel O'Brien - 2014
As a prisoner of war, Andrew Jackson walked several miles barefoot across state lines while suffering from smallpox and a serious head wound received when he refused to polish the boots of the soldiers who had taken him captive. He was thirteen years old. A few decades later, he became the first popularly elected president and served the nation, pausing briefly only to beat a would-be assassin with a cane to within an inch of his life. Theodore Roosevelt had asthma, was blind in one eye, survived multiple gunshot wounds, had only one regret (that there were no wars to fight under his presidency), and was the first U.S. president to win the Medal of Honor, which he did after he died. Faced with the choice, George Washington actually preferred the sound of bullets whizzing by his head in battle over the sound of silence. And now these men—these hallowed leaders of the free world—want to kick your ass. Plenty of historians can tell you which president had the most effective economic strategies, and which president helped shape our current political parties, but can any of them tell you what to do if you encounter Chester A. Arthur in a bare-knuckled boxing fight? This book will teach you how to be better, stronger, faster, and more deadly than the most powerful (and craziest) men in history. You’re welcome.
We Are Legion (We Are Bob)
Dennis E. Taylor - 2016
Bob Johansson has just sold his software company and is looking forward to a life of leisure. There are places to go, books to read, and movies to watch. So it's a little unfair when he gets himself killed crossing the street. Bob wakes up a century later to find that corpsicles have been declared to be without rights, and he is now the property of the state. He has been uploaded into computer hardware and is slated to be the controlling AI in an interstellar probe looking for habitable planets. The stakes are high: no less than the first claim to entire worlds. If he declines the honor, he'll be switched off, and they'll try again with someone else. If he accepts, he becomes a prime target. There are at least three other countries trying to get their own probes launched first, and they play dirty. The safest place for Bob is in space, heading away from Earth at top speed. Or so he thinks. Because the universe is full of nasties, and trespassers make them mad - very mad.