Then you’re screwed.But wait, there’s hope: Scary Mommy Guide to Surviving the Holidays to the rescue!Yes, in this handy holiday guide, you’ll find everything you need to survive the fall/winter rush of cheer in style, and without having a mental breakdown. From relatable, hilarious essays on everything from the Santa myth to being seated at the dreaded kids’ table, to easy-to-follow recipes that might include just a little something special to take the edge off (can anyone say Kahlua?), to fun and accessible gift ideas, this book is your ticket to peace of mind—and a laugh—during the busy, crazy holiday season!

    There is also nothing more annoying. Who else can proudly insist that you’re perfect while simultaneously making you question every career, fashion, and relationship decision you have ever made?   No one understands the delicate mother-daughter dynamic better than Kate Siegel—her own mother drove her so crazy that she decided to broadcast their hilarious conversations on Instagram. Soon, hundreds of thousands of people were following their daily text exchanges, eager to see what outrageous thing Kate’s mom would do next. Now, in Mother, Can You NOT?, Kate pays tribute to the woman who invented the concept of drone parenting.  From embarrassing moments (like crashing Kate's gynecological exams) to outrageous stories (like the time she made Kate steal a cat from the pound) to hilarious celebrations (including but not limited to parties for Kate's menstrual cycles), Mother, Can you NOT? lovingly lampoons the lengths to which our mothers will go to better our lives (even if it feels like they’re ruining them in the process).

    Robin O'Bryant offers a no holds barred look at the day to day life of being a mother to three, running a household and the everyday monotony of parenting. It's not always pretty but it's real. Whether she's stuffing cabbage in her bra… dealing with defiant yet determined daughters… yelling at the F.B.I... or explaining the birds and the bees to her preschooler… you're sure to find dozens of humorous and relatable situations. From the creator of Robin's Chicks, one of the South's most popular blogs on motherhood, misunderstandings and musings, comes a collection of essays that will not only make you laugh and cry, but realize that you're not alone in your journey.Sit back and relax, pour yourself some "mommy juice," throw a fresh diaper on your baby and deadbolt the bedroom door to keep your kids out… because once you start reading you'll be too busy wiping away tears of laughter to wipe anybody's butt.

    Now, in this uproarious collection, she sneaks her sharp wit through airport security and delivers her most absurd and hilarious stories ever.On safari in Africa, it's anyone's guess as to what's more dangerous: the wildlife or Chelsea. But whether she's fumbling the seduction of a guide by not knowing where tigers live (Asia, duh) or wearing a bathrobe into the bush because her clothes stopped fitting seven margaritas ago, she's always game for the next misadventure.The situation gets down and dirty as she defiles a kayak in the Bahamas, and outright sweaty as she escapes from a German hospital on crutches. When things get truly scary, like finding herself stuck next to a passenger with bad breath, she knows she can rely on her family to make matters even worse. Thank goodness she has the devoted Chunk by her side-except for the time she loses him in Telluride.Complete with answers to the most frequently asked traveler's questions, hot travel trips, and travel etiquette, none of which should be believed, UGANDA BE KIDDING ME has Chelsea taking on the world, one laugh-out-loud incident at a time.

    . . a sort of David Sedaris-like take on knitting-laugh-out-loud funny most of the time and poignantly reflective when it's not cracking you up." --Library Journal on Yarn HarlotStephanie Pearl-McPhee returns to pen another hilarious and poignant collection of essays surrounding her favorite topics: knitting, knitters, and what happens when you get those two things anywhere near ordinary people.For the 60 million knitters in America, Stephanie Pearl-McPhee (a.k.a. the Yarn Harlot) shares stories of knitting horrors and triumphs, knitting successes and defeats, but, mostly, stories about the human condition that ring true for everyone-especially if you happen to have a rather large amount of yarn in your house.Pearl-McPhee maintains a popular blog at www.yarnharlot.ca. Divided into sections relating to each essay's content, such as women, politics, family, and overcoming boredom, Free-Range Knitter will entertain yarnsmiths who enjoy sharing in the collective experiences of the woolen and silky skein.

    I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way: I share my adventures with the world. —from the IntroductionActual reader feedback: "I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist." "I'll stay with God as my lord, but you are my savior. I just finished reading your brilliant stories, and I laughed so hard I almost vomited. I want to bring that kind of joy to people. You're an artist of the highest order and a true humanitarian to boot. I'm in both shock and awe at how much I want to be you." Now with 16 Pages of Photos and a New Introduction

    Ian Frazier, long considered one of our most treasured humorists, proves that comedy can be just as smart as it is entertaining.

    Some of her finest parenting moments, she recounts, have involved deception. On planes she’s translated the garbled pilot’s announcement to her advantage saying, “This plane won’t ever land if you keep kicking the back of that seat!” and once introduced a new entrée to her fussiest eater by saying, “Honestly, we’ve had this before and you really liked it.” Among the 30 essays collected here (many previously published in the Chicago Tribune, Newsweek, the Christian Science Monitor, or broadcast on NPR's Lake Effect) are the author’s account of her first time cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the in-laws, an identity mix-up at a Chinese restaurant, and a description of the most important place she visited while in Washington D.C.—the women’s bathroom in the Department of Agriculture building. Throughout, McQuestion shares stories of her life and family with humor and heartwarming insights.

    Stories so compelling you'll stay in your car to hear them through--even if you're sitting in your own driveway. "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! "host Peter Sagal captures your attention with colorful tales for and about moms. Heard in "All Things Considered, Weekend Edition, News & Notes," and other NPR programs, these stories and more are for moms, moms-to-be, and anyone who has ever known or had a mother.

     At 7,600 words, this work is a collection of humorous insights into important topics ranging from annoying pet people (“I’m Not Talking About You, Of Course”), to analyzing your inner child (“Irrational Fears”), to living like the Amish in the aftermath of a hurricane (“A Jolt of Electricity”). Other essays examine just how much damage can be caused by a sneeze (“It All Started with a Loud Sneeze”), why it is so complicated to buy a tube of toothpaste (“Ask Me No Questions”), how not to prepare dinner ("Martha, I Let You Down"), making new friends ("Friends in Low Places"), how a parent’s obsessive hobbies can become an inescapable vortex (“Crazy Hobbies”), and why spending the night in a sleep clinic is like being abducted by probing aliens (“Nightmare at the Sleep Clinic”). If you don’t see yourself in each of these entertaining essays, then I’m not talking about you, of course.

    They casserole. They pinwheel. They pump the salad spinner like it's a CPR dummy. And then they kill a party crasher, carefully stepping around the body to pull cookies out of the oven. These twelve irresistible stories take us from a haunted prewar Manhattan apartment building to the set of a rigged reality television show, from the unique initiation ritual of a book club to the getaway car of a pageant princess on the lam, from the gallery opening of a tinfoil artist to the fitting room of a legendary lingerie shop. Vicious, fresh, and nutty as a poisoned Goo Goo Cluster, American Housewife is an uproarious, pointed commentary on womanhood.

    If they had, we wouldn't hear the delicious details of how horribly wrong it all went. Like Marrit Ingman's disastrous honeymoon in Maui—and the repercussions of societal pressure for the perfect love escape in paradise. Or of how the entire kitchen of C. Lill Ahrens's new Seoul apartment is literally lost in translation. Or why Ayun Halliday would attempt to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, when her training consisted of drinking beer and rolling her own cigarettes, and her gear cost $14.99 at Sportmart. From Kandahar to Baja to Moscow, these wry, amusing stories capture the comic essence of bad travel, and of the female experience on the road.Roughly translated / C. Lill Ahrens --Kilimanjaro / Ayun Halliday --Hamil's house of fun / Kay Sexton --I could do this in my sleep / Karin Palmquist --Adventure Pete / L.A. Miller --Constipated in Palinuro / Judith Levin --The trail / Erica J. Green --How to travel with a man / Kate Chynoweth --A useful and comprehensive travel dictionary for girls / Buzzy Jackson --Tri training in Russia / Mara Vorhees --Worry warts / Lisa Taggart --In search of Sami / Ann Lombardi --Bigger than France / Spike Gillespie --Souvenirs from Ecuador / Bethany Gumper --Heading South / Samantha Schoech --Knocked off my high horse in New Zealand / Catherine Giayvia --The lion sleeps tonight / Sarah Franklin --No strings attached / Paige Porter --Y2K in Kandahar / Hannah Bloch --Prada on the Plaka / Michele Peterson --Honeymoon in Hell / Marrit Ingman --The occidental tourist / Judy Wolf

    “When bad sex happens to good people, there is no recourse like full disclosure,” is the motto of Worst Laid Plans, a collection of forty probably-too-intimate, but shockingly funny, true-life tales of lust gone wrong.  The stories are divided into themed sections including Foreign Affairs (“When bad sex goes abroad”), Self-Help (“Love thyself…but do it carefully”), On the Rebound (“The art of getting back in-and-out-there”), Mob Mentality (People will do things in groups they would never do alone”), and The End of Innocence (“A memorial to virginity”) among others.  The book evolved out of a storytelling event originally staged at Upright Citizen Brigade, the highly influential comedy organization co-founded by Amy Poehler, who along with Janeane Garofalo and SNL’s Casey Wilson, performed at the show that continues today.  Part Vagina Monologues, part car crash, and wholly hilarious, the volume features contributions from shameless actors, comedians, and writers who will shamelessly spread the word via blogs, on-line videos, tweets, on-going WLP performances, film/TV/media contacts, and further sexual conquests.“[A] hilarious testimonial to the vast array of consequences we face afterhaving ignored that little voice inside that says: ‘Don’t.’ ‘This isn’t agood idea.’  ‘Leave now.’”—Laraine Newman (Saturday Night Live, The Groundlings)   “Irrefutable evidence that one should wait until marriage to have sex.”—Joel McHale (The Soup, Community)   “This book will make you laugh, scream, and want to be a lesbian.”—Whitney Cummings (Chelsea Lately, Comedy Central)   “This is the best kind of comedy; that which makes you both laugh anderect.”—Rob Corddry (The Daily Show)

    In her latest work It’s Not Me, It’s You, she unabashedly showcases a life well lived, ignoring all wisdom, but yet somehow, coming out on top. Combining her trademark biting wit and straightforward common sense, the anticipated comedic memoir delivers outrageous tales from all periods of her life and family history. From Taylor’s outlook on working hard (audition for a game show instead) to getting her husband to propose (forget The Rules: try nagging and physical violence) these stories venture beyond daycare, sure to entertain both parents and non-parents alike. Covering a wide range of topics that explore the anxiety, frustration, and exhaustion that accompany the rewarding, comical, awe-inspiring, and life-altering roles of parent, teenager, wife, and daughter, It’s Not Me, It’s You offers readers an escape, empathy, and plenty of laughs.

    Determined to turn her life around, she created the hugely successful weblog The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl and, hiding behind her Lycra-clad roly-poly alter-ego, her transformation from couch potato to svelte goddess began. Today, 8,000 miles, seven years and twelve-and-a-half stone later, the gloriously gorgeous Shauna is literally half the woman she used to be.In turn hysterically funny and heart-wrenchingly honest, The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl follows the twists and turns of Shauna's lard-busting adventure as she curbs the calories and learns to love the gym. There are travel tales from Red Square to Reykjavik, plus romance and intrigue as she meets the man of her dreams during a pub quiz in Glasgow. As her UK visa rapidly runs out, will she be deported back to Australia or will love triumph?Entertaining and action-packed, this is the uplifting true story of a young woman who defeated her demons and conquered her cravings to become a weight-loss superhero to inspire us all.