I don’t have a text messaging plan. I paid 25 cents to get fired.Your girlfriend dumped you, your car broke down, your boss passed you up for the big promotion. Life’s not fair, but there is one sure-fire way to ease your pain–laughing at someone else who had an even worse day than you did. Enter the devastatingly funny world of F My Life, where calamity is comedy. Covering every disastrous pratfall in love, work, family-life, and more, F My Life proffers other people’s ruinous, real-life happenings to brighten your gloomiest day: someone getting dumped through a greeting card, ignored at their birthday party, or insulted by their own grandmother. Spanning everything from ironic twists of fate to down-right shameful moments, F My Life’s squirm-inducing stories are schadenfreude at its finest. So today, take solace in knowing that at least you’re not that guy. There now, don’t you feel better?Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 Playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said “That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream.”

    A chapter on understanding color principles offers novice spinners the skills needed to easily work with color while providing advanced spinning techniques for the expert dyer. A gallery of finished pieces as well as appendixes on dye workshops and metric conversions are included.

    Symptoms include:*Acute embarrassment at the mere notion of making a fuss;*Extreme awkwardness when faced with any social greeting beyond a brisk handshake;*An unhealthy preoccupation with meteorology.Doctors have also reported several cases of unnecessary apologising, an obsessive interest in correct queuing etiquette and dramatic sighing in the presence of loud teenagers on public transport. If you have experienced any of these symptoms, you may be suffering from VERY BRITISH PROBLEMS. VERY BRITISH PROBLEMS are highly contagious. There is no known cure.Rob Temple's hilarious new book reveals all the ways in which we are a nation of socially awkward but well-meaning oddballs, struggling to make it through every day without apologising to an inanimate object. Take comfort in misfortunes of others. You are not alone.

    Clever, awkward, & laugh-out-loud funny.”The Huffington Post

    While you’re waiting for your favorite knitting event to appear on the horizon of your calendar, you can content yourself with knitting up some of the best patterns from the fashion show. Every knitter is sure to fall in love with the patterns in this free eBook. A variety of patterns will keep you knitting all year long; these classy patterns will be a welcome addition to any wardrobe, and you’ll have a great time knitting them up and remembering all the fun you had at the last STITCHES show.

    You won’t find “home sweet home” here, but you will find “Can U Not” or “Don’t Be A Prick.” Renee Rominger, founder of Moonrise Whims, designs projects for a new generation. And whether you just started and need a solid foundation, or you’re an expert looking to enhance your art, Edgy Embroidery will teach you something new, fun and easy.Renee not only shows you how to conquer basic techniques, but also how to create more complex stitches like her unique Moonrise Roses. With pattern templates, detailed stitch tutorials and instructions on how to complete each design, every one of these 25 projects will be wall-worthy.This is definitely not your grandmother’s embroidery.

    Side-splittingly funny and profoundly moving, Drunk, Divorced, and Covered in Cat Hair is the true-life misadventures of Laurie Perry, aka Crazy Aunt Purl, a slightly neurotic, displaced Southerner trying to create a new life after her husband leaves her to 'get his creativity back.' (Whatever that means.) But will she get her groove back in a tiny rented apartment, with a mountain of boxes, visible panty lines, and a slight wine-and-Cheetos problem?"I was a thirty-something woman living alone with four cats. I was probably going to be divorced. I was on the short bus to crazy. I pictured my grandmother making hoop-skirted yarn cozies for the toilet paper. I pictured myself making doilies for furniture that I did not own. I saw my cats wearing knitted hats with lace appliqués. From my vantage point, knitting seemed like 100 percent of some road I did not want to walk down."Yet, surprisingly, it's knitting that saves her and emboldens her to become fully engaged in life again--to discover new friends; to take risks, however scary; and to navigate the ins and outs of the modern dating scene."Dating has changed in a decade. Now there is a higher chance of meeting someone who has an internet porn addiction than someone who has a job. In Los Angeles, your dinner companion might have served time in Pelican Bay or run a meth lab. Or, worst of all, he might spend all night talking about his agent, his craft, and what it means to grow as an actor. Then he'll ask you to read his screenplay."And such is life in this quirky, irreverent memoir, a spin-off of the blog phenomenon, www.crazyauntpurl.com, one of the most successful online diaries in history, exploding to an international fan base of enthusiastic readers. But don't worry, you don't have to knit to love Aunt Purl. You just have to know what it feels like to have loved, to have lost, or to have taken a leap of faith. We've all been there: Pass the wine.

    Chronicling the last few raucous years in American politics, Lithgow takes readers verse by verse through the history of Donald Trump's presidency.- Lampoons the likes of Betsy DeVos, William Barr, Rudy Giuliani, and dozens more.- Illustrated from cover to cover with Lithgow's never-before-seen line drawings.- Draws inspiration from A. A. Milne, Lewis Carroll, Edward Lear, and even Mother Goose.- Great for fans of A Very Stable Genius by Mike Luckovich, Win Bigly: Persuasion in a World Where Facts Don't Matter by Scott Adams, and The Donald J. Trump Presidential Twitter Library by The Daily Show with Trevor Noah.The poems collected in Dumpty draw inspiration from A. A. Milne, Lewis Carroll, Edward Lear, Rodgers and Hammerstein, Mother Goose, and many more. A feat of laugh-out-loud lyrical storytelling, this timely volume is bound to bring joy to poetry lovers, political junkies, and Lithgow fans alike.

    Whose lists? Who knows. The lists were found discarded in shopping carts, dropped on supermarket floors and parking lots, even tucked in returned library books. But the fact that they were discarded is not what's interesting about them. It's that they were found - found and/or collected by Bill Keaggy, proprietor of Grocerylists.org and the author of the world's first compilation of lost grocery lists. This book.If we are what we eat, then this book reveals deep and strange truths about the average food shopper (not to mention more mundane facts like a lot of people love vodka, banana is actually very difficult to spell and that butter used to be dyed yellow using marigolds).Separated into chapters - funny lists, sad lists, unhealthy lists, organized lists - the book also includes humorous commentary by the author and some delicious recipes created from found grocery lists. Quirky sidebars and odd food facts round out the menu.*Translation: Cabbage, bird food, noodles, buttermilk, dog yogurt (duh), bananas, shampoo, cream of celery soup.

    Also known as afghan stitch, this versatile technique is worked on a long needle with a crochet hook at one end. Choose from 13 gorgeous projects, including women's garments and accessories as well as home accents Learn a variety of stitches, from basic to more advanced, including some that look just like knitting Read a brief history of Tunisian crochet and find out why it's experiencing such a resurgenceVideo

    Challenging herself to capture the changing colors of the sky in her knitting, Redmond loaded up her yarn basket with shades of blue, gray, and white and set out to knit a strip reflecting each day's shades. In 365 days, she imagines having a one-year weather report in the shape of a scarf. This is just one of 30 adventurous knitting challenges she shares with readers in this whimsical, inspiring collection. These are knitting projects like no other, as the goal is not just to have a finished project but to have a one-of-a-kind piece that tells a story about the knitter's life experience. Some of the projects invite the knitter to engage with others: friends knitting two scarves at once on the same needles, or a grandmother sharing a "basket of berries" with her grandchildren through matching basketweave-patterned hats. Others encourage contemplation: a knit 1, breathe 1 meditation stitch; creating an heirloom scarf for a yet-to-be descendent; or using a map to a favorite place as the basis for a pattern stitch. Accompanied by basic instructions for all the needed stitches, techniques, and patterns, Knit the Sky is a complete creativity starter kit for any knitter looking for a fresh approach to the craft.

    No one who has lips will be able to read it without smiling; it s guaranteed. The fact is, we all have our bad days -- they are an intrinsic part of being human. As prescribed by The Blue Day Book in its delightful photo and text messages, the solution is to see each incident in perspective, recognize that our feelings of failure and loss are not unique, and acknowledge the absurdities of our existence, and glory in the potential we all have. In less than one hundred sentences, The Blue Day Book conveys this message with great compassion and humor. Its vehicle is charming black-and-white photographs of animals that are strangely human and completely free of judgment or pretension. The humble marriage of easy text and beautiful images takes us through the entire evolution of a blue day -- examines what it feels like, what causes it, and how to get over it.

    Containing 300 entries, this informative collection covers everything from knitting’s appearances in history, literature, folklore, and pop culture to little-known facts about wool, sheep, and fiber producers. Helpful tips and techniques are included, as well as tidbits on crochet, spinning, and weaving. With illuminating illustrations throughout, Knitting Ephemera will entertain knitters and needlecrafters everywhere.

    You may find it for free on the web. Purchase of the Kindle edition includes wireless delivery.

    Friends: They are there when we just want to hang out, or need someone to listen. They make us laugh, and lend a shoulder to cry on. Comic artist Liz Climo captures the true spirit of friendship with this quirkily charming collection. Her animal kingdom is a place where sharks, otters, porcupines, and even crustaceans come together to show the best of what friends have to offer. This little book will remind you to appreciate your own friendships . . . and inspire you to share with a special pal.