. . and The Douchebag Jar.Originally devised to do nothing more than alter Schmidt's wardrobe, hairstyle, and personality, the Douchebag Jar has become an apartment-wide phenomenon, forever changing the way douche-like behavior is viewed, policed, and penalized.Compiled and annotated by Schmidt himself, The Douche Journals catalogs the jar's first years in existence. Every jar-worthy outfit, faux pas, and innuendo is captured exquisitely and for all time, transporting fans and scholars alike into the inner orbit of a master douche at the height of his powers. Comprehensive, unflinching, and fully illustrated, The Douche Journals delves deep into the annals of douchery.

    'Kevin and I in India' is the unexpurgated, often outrageous, diary of their travels – from the hill-stations of the deep south to the Taj Mahal in the north, from the Goan beaches of the west to the sacred Ganges and the Bodhi Tree in the east. Full of anecdotes, observations and travellers’ tales, the two Englishmen weave a crazy, erratic path through a variety of adventures and misadventures, in constant battle against officialdom, insects, heat, dust, ticket-queues and mad traffic. Here is the real India – stripped of illusion, but adorned with humour and exuberance. Here is a kaleidoscopic potpourri of fascinating sights, scenes and people, with each day of the journey more exciting, more packed with incident, than the last.

    Is there a knack to being happy? From paddle-boarding down the Thames in a Santa hat, to wild swimming in a glacial river and cooking sausages on a campfire, Bill revels in the exhilaration of the outdoors, as well as the quieter pleasures of letter-writing, or of simple reflection.In this beautiful and uplifting book, Bill Bailey explores all this and more while delving into the nature of happiness, all in his own, remarkable, way.Packed with wisdom and humour, and with delightful illustrations by the comedian himself, Bill Bailey aims for the heart of pure joy and contentment - and how we can all achieve it.

    But despite a brave new world of Casio hand-held calculators and digital watches, one thing remained the same: the family holiday. For the Seventies child, summer holidays didn't mean the joy of CentreParcs or the sophistication of a Tuscan villa. They meant being crammed into a car with Grandma and heading to the coast. With just a tent for a home and a bucket for the necessities, we would set off on new adventures each year stoically resolving to enjoy ourselves.For Emma Kennedy, and her mum and dad, disaster always came along for the ride no matter where they went. Whether it was swept away by a force ten gale on the Welsh coast or suffering copious amounts of food poisoning on a brave trip to the south of France, family holidays alwaysleft them battered and bruised.But they never gave up. Emma's memoir, The Tent, the Bucket and Me,is a painfully funny reminder of just what it was like to spend your summer holidays cold, damp but with sand between your toes.

    Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in:* A zombie apocalypse? It could happen. 50% of humans are infected with a parasite that can take over your brain.* The FDA wouldn't let you eat bugs, right? Actually, you might want to put down those jelly beans. And that apple. And that strawberry yogurt.* Think dolphins are our friends? Then these sex-crazed thrill killers of the sea have you right where they want you.* The most important discovery in the history of genetics? Francis Crick came up with it while on LSD.* Think you're going to choose whether or not to buy this book? Scientists say your brain secretly makes all your decisions 10 seconds before you even know what they are.If you’re a fan of The Oatmeal or Frak.com and hate being wrong about stuff, you’ll love what you find in You Might Be a Zombie from the twisted minds at Cracked.

    In reality, mythology is more screwed up than a schizophrenic shaman doing hits of unidentified. Wait, it all makes sense now. In Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, Cory O’Brien, creator of Myths RETOLD!, sets the stories straight. These are rude, crude, totally sacred texts told the way they were meant to be told: loudly, and with lots of four-letter words. Skeptical? Here are just a few gems to consider: � Zeus once stuffed an unborn fetus inside his thigh to save its life after he exploded its mother by being too good in bed. � The entire Egyptian universe was saved because Sekhmet just got too hammered to keep murdering everyone. � The Hindu universe is run by a married couple who only stop murdering in order to throw sweet dance parties…on the corpses of their enemies. � The Norse goddess Freyja once consented to a four-dwarf gangbang in exchange for one shiny necklace. And there’s more dysfunctional goodness where that came from.

    Flora Poste, a recently orphaned socialite, moves in with her country relatives, the gloomy Starkadders of Cold Comfort Farm, and becomes enmeshed in a web of violent emotions, despair, and scheming, until Flora manages to set things right.

    "Know all the sunny places.""Flaunt your hair loss.""Get mad when you're stepped on.""Take some time to eat the flowers.""Be tolerant-but not overly accommodating.""Make your own hours.""Scratch when it itches.""Depend on others without losing your independence.""Avoid company you do not like."Altogether, here are over 90 simple life lessons, irresistibly illustrated in full-color. Proving what all cat fanciers suspect about their own pets, Suzy Becker's cat is a fount of wisdom. The book covers everything from grooming, health, and diet to being completely well-adjusted, and imparts perhaps the most valuable piece of advice a cat could give: "There is always time for a nap."

    The right way, the wrong way and the Top Gear way. Although, on reflection, that's usually just the wrong way, but faster and with more shouting. Anyway, the good news is that this third way of doing things can be applied to almost anything, and that includes motoring in general. All you need is the right guidance, which is where the brand new Top Gear Alternative Highway Code comes in. Top Gear's Altnernative Highway Code will show you how to bring the ambitious but rubbish philosophies of the world's most popular TV programme to your driving, containing advice on general motoring, as well as specific tips on how to deal with common eventualities like a rapidly sinking amphibious camper van, a caravan airship that's just crashed into a small bush, or a stupid home-made limousine that's snapped in half while transporting a top celebrity to an awards ceremony.Road users should not leave home without it.

    Rude Bitches Make Me Tired will provide answers to all your mannerly questions as Celia discusses the social conundrums of our day and age, including:Navigating the agonies of check splitting ("Who had the gorgonzola crumbles and should we really care?")The baffling aspects of airline travel (such as "Recline Monster" and other animals)The art of the visit (always leave them wanting more . . . much more)Gym and locker etiquette (hint: no one wants to talk to you while you're buck naked)Office manners ("Loud talkers, cake hawkers, and Britney Sue's unfortunate cyst")And much more!Good manners have never been so wickedly funny!

    . . For over a decade, Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode have been sharing their film expertise with each other (and occasionally the odd listener) on the airwaves. Now they are donning their surgical scrubs and bringing their unique blend of deep movie knowledge and medical ignorance to their new guise as the Movie Doctors. Mayo and Kermode are armed and ready to offer improbable cinematic cures for the dilemmas of modern life. Suffering with insomnia and need a cinematic alternative to counting sheep? The Movie Doctors prescribe The Piano. Tinnitus driving you up the wall? A dose of Interstellar can help. Stressed and anxious? The Big Lebowski is what you need. If you're feeling your age, look no further than The Godfather. And what about movies themselves? Doctors Mayo and Kermode are also taking their scalpel to 'sick' movies, dissecting the perils of excessive length, the ill effects of glowing praise and warning how cosmetic surgery can change the face of a film. Celluloid or humanoid, the Movie Doctors are here to help.

    Barbecue-Smith, who writes 1,500 publishable words an hour by "getting in touch" with his "subconscious," to Henry Wimbush, who is obsessed with writing the definitive "History of Crome." Denis's stay proves to be a disaster amid his weak attempts to attract the girl of his dreams and the ridicule he endures regarding his plan to write a novel about love and art. Lambasting the post-Victorian standards of morality, Crome Yellow is a witty masterpiece that, in F. Scott Fitzgerald's words, "is too ironic to be called satire and too scornful to be called irony."

    Not only was his number one single ‘Living Doll’ the saviour of rock 'n' roll but he also rescued the British film industry with the vast revenues created by his legendary movie Drop Dead Fred. In 1998, he survived an assassination attempt and spent five days in a coma before he literally came back from the dead. Having completed countless phenomenal feature films, TV series, live extravaganzas and radio voice-overs since then, Rik Mayall is now poised on the brink of a whole new epoch-shattering revolution.For the first time ever, Rik reveals in print the deep inner truth behind his gargantuan ascent to the pinnacle of international light entertainment – the mental hospitals he has broken out of, the television executives he has assaulted, the drugs he has definitely not taken, the charities he has bankrupted, the countless pregnancies he has engendered, and so much more.

    The columnist-author sheds light on some of the important matters of life, such as the care of Willie Nelson albums and the problems of finding clean underwear when you live alone

    It wasn’t drugs, alcohol, or sex: it was film. After moving to Los Angeles, Oswalt became a huge film buff (or as he calls it, a sprocket fiend), absorbing classics, cult hits, and new releases at the famous New Beverly Cinema. Silver screen celluloid became Patton’s life schoolbook, informing his notion of acting, writing, comedy, and relationships.Set in the nascent days of LA’s alternative comedy scene, Silver Screen Fiend chronicles Oswalt’s journey from fledgling stand-up comedian to self-assured sitcom actor, with the colorful New Beverly collective and a cast of now-notable young comedians supporting him all along the way.