But will those Nobel bastards honor them, too? Only God, our merciless and just God, knows."-Dave Eggers"The funniest publication in the United States."-The New Yorker"This publication is tasteless and destructive to our shared values. Read it for yourself and you'll see what I mean. Seriously, what else could make me laugh-much less laugh uproariously-while being offended week after week after week?"-Al Gore"The Onion is the funniest thing in news since Dan Rather's spooky stare."-Matt Groening"Brutal satire that rushes into the far reaches of race, class, sexuality, and culture where many publications-and critics-fear to tread."-Chicago Tribune"The Onion, unlike any other entity in our media culture, offers a refreshingly honest look at our complicated life."-Ken Burns

    . . From Wonderland Award Winner Kevin L. Donihe, comes a hilarious tribute to Night of the Living Dead A plague of assholes is infecting the countryside. Normal everyday people are transforming into jerks, snobs, dicks, and douchebags. And they all have only one purpose: to make your life a living hell. Today is the worst day of Barbara's life. The assholes are everywhere. They're picking fights, causing accidents, and even killing people. But she must remain calm. If you raise your temper to an asshole you'll become one of them. After losing her brother to the asshole onslaught, Barbara flees for her life. She finds safety in a desolate farmhouse with six other survivors. Cut off from the world and surrounded by a sea of assholes, they must figure out a way to last through the night. But more and more of those annoying bastards are gathering outside, preparing for the coming of something much worse. . .

    8 pages of illustrations.

    He has, however, been a disappointment to his family in several ways: In appearance he is insignificant looking both in face and figure; he went to the University of Florida instead of Harvard where his forbears had been mainstays of the varsity crew for generations, and he studied agriculture instead of pointing himself toward a career in banking, bonds, or law. To say the least he is not apparently the stuff from which heroes are fashioned.As an agricultural expert specializing in fruit farming, Arthur becomes a Peace Corps volunteer and is assigned to the Republic of San Marco in the Caribbean. This weak-chinned Don Quixote soon acquires his Sancho Panza in the person of a rascally eleven-year-old boy, Pepe, who makes a bargain to be paid 400 pesos each time he saves Arthur's life. (The payments mount alarmingly!)The island's dictator thinks he can use Arthur to obtain military supplies with which to wipe out the band of guerillas in the hills who oppose his corrupt dictatorship. Failing in this the dictator decides to murder Goodpasture and cause an international incident by blaming it on the guerillas. This, he reasons, will bring the U.S. in to help stamp out the rebels.This plan also backfires (with Pepe's help, of course) and Goodpasture is taken prisoner and when they see he is a harmless eccentric he is appointed chief cook for the guerillas. From then on Arthur's life becomes a series of misadventures through which he moves serenely and from which he generally emerges unscathed (again with Pepe's assistance) until he surprisingly finds himself the guerillas' leader.Following one of the funniest bloodless revolutions imaginable Arthur Peabody Goodpasture ends up as Arthur el Gavilan, the new dictator of San Marco. "His strength was as the strength of ten because his heart was pure."

    There's the pure and bounteous joy of the nail varnish museum. Not to mention the very best lies to tell if you find yourself on an Arctic cruise. She has words of advice for those fast approaching fifty. And she's here to tell you the secret secret truth about writers - well, this one anyway.You'll be wincing in recognition and scratching your head in incredulity, but like Marian herself you won't be able to stop laughing at the sheer delightful absurdity that is modern life - because each and every one of us is clearly making it up as we go along.

    Getting so tall and mature. Why, you can barely recognize yourself from just a few short months ago-back when you were so young. Your body is changing. Changes can be scary. Especially for girls, and, gosh, it can be confusing." Nope. No way. That's not this book. This is NOT your mother's coming-of-age manual. In the comedic likes of Chelsea Handler, author Jen Ashton breaks sex-education tradition and begins her hilariously endearing journey to womanhood with stories of growing up a tomboy in Middle America, circa the 1980's. Packed with iconic pop culture, nostalgic geekery, and a healthy dose of self-deprecation, Ashton foregoes the conventional route of learning how to be a lady and dives right in, enlisting the help of Cosmo, Hustler and her anal-loving housekeeper. Forget dancing around the dutiful explanations passed on from generation to generation-tales of 'the red curse' and 'your changing body.' Ashton's rites of passage are chock-full of unique life lessons learned the extracurricular way. From bodily functions to breast enlargement, pregnancy prevention to purgatory, learn the real facts of life as only she can describe them. If you're lucky, you might even discover the answer to the age-old question: Do Girls Poop? If you thought your journey through puberty was rough, be prepared to finally feel normal. Girls Don't Poop is a jaw-dropping, side-splitting adventure of one clueless tomboy's quest to figure out women, so that she could inevitably become one.

    The gloves are off as best-selling author RD Reynolds and his co-author Blade Braxton pull no punches in looking at some of wrestling’s biggest mistakes, most comical mishaps and most egotistical performers. Among the lists included in this cornucopia of wrestling nonsense are: • Sights Wrestling Fans Should Never Be Forced To See Again! • The Greatest Mullets in the History of the Game! • Porn Stars Who Moonlighted in Wrestling! • The Proof that DX is really, REALLY Gay! • The Greatest Mugshots — Featuring Your Favourite Wrestlers! • The Pieces of Definitive Evidence that WCW May Have Been Run By Nazis! • Pro Wrestling’s Stupidest Hometowns! • The Things That Vince McMahon Always Wants to Talk About (Half of Which Involve His Genitalia)! Of course, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the book’s craptastic main event: the 25 Worst Gimmicks of All Time. Irreverent, off-kilter, and certain to be offensive to all, The WrestleCrap Book of Lists! is pro wrestling’s very worst of the worst!

    Known for roles on the small screen such as "never-nude" Tobias Funke on "Arrested Development "and the role of "David" in "Mr. Show With Bob And David, "as well as a hugely successful stand-up routine full of sharp-tongued rants and rages, Cross has carved out his place in American comedy. Whether deflating the pomposity of religious figures, calling out the pathetic symbiosis of pseudo-celebrity and its leaching fandom, or merely pushing the buttons of the way-too-easily offended P.C. left or the caustic, double-standard of the callous (but funnier) right, Cross has something to say about everyone, including his own ridiculous self. Now, for the first time, Cross is weaving his media mockery, celebrity denunciation, religious commentary and sheer madness into book form, revealing the true story behind his almost existential distaste of Jim Belushi ("The Belush"), disclosing the up-to-now unpublished minutes to a meeting of Fox television network executives, and offering up a brutally grotesque run-in with Bill O'Reilly. And as if this wasn't enough for your laughing pleasure in these troubled times, some of the pieces splinter off with additional material being created online in exclusive video and animated web content created solely for the book-a historical first (presumably)! With a mix of personal essays, satirical fiction posing as truth, advice for rich people, information from America's least favorite Rabbi and a top-ten list of top-ten lists, I DRINK FOR A REASON is as unique as the comedian himself, and cannot be missed.

    He’s started telling the truth at work. He’s borrowed a stack of cash from a man with a gun, a speech impediment and no grasp whatsoever of APR. He’s also taking drugs and – God help him – he’s started dancing. Badly. To trance. And now he’s on the run with a human version of Muttley and a teenage girl called Fish.Which is strange, because a few weeks ago Murray didn’t even burn the candle at one end. But when his doctors tell him he has only months to live, he gives his boring old self the boot, relaunches a new, improved Murray and falls in love with a passion he didn’t know was in him.His old self, of course, would tell him he’s digging his own grave. But he’ll be needing one of those soon enough anyway, won’t he?

    Paul Saints--the most audacious bushleague ballclub ever to plumb the bottom of the pro sports barrel. Coowned by comedian Bill Murray and run by Mike Veeck--son of the infamous sports promoter Bill Veeck--this motley collection of mutts, hopefuls, and has-beens has become a national phenomenon for playing with as much gusto off the field as on ... while proudly adhering to the timeless sports credo that it takes heart, skill, and cheap theatrics to plant devoted butts in stadium seats. This is where Darryl Strawberry was rehabilitated (the first time) and began his long comeback climb to the Majors. Jack Morris--once baseball's winningest pitcher and biggest s.o.b.--joined the team only to vanish without a trace. Baseball's first female player, Ila Borders, made history on the mound of the Saints' ever-sold-out Midway Stadium. And St. Louis Cardinals phenom, J.D. Drew, played here for $300 a month while holding out for Major League millions. Here is the true story of one championship season and one complete collapse; a tale told with high spirits and genuine affection of frantic fans and baseball Annies, a back-rubbing nun, a blind sportscaster, and a 300-pound pig ballboy; a glorious celebration of the boys who still play the game for the best of reasons: SO THEY CAN GET CHICKS.In this era of spoiled millionaire athletes and Big Business baseball, the spirit of the Game is alive and well---if a bit deranged---in America's heartland.In SLOUCHING TOWARD FARGO, author Neal Karlen describes his two-year journey with the St. Paul Saints---the most audacious bush-league ballclub ever to plumb the bottom of the pro sports barrel. Co-owned by comedian Bill Murray and run by Mike Veeck---son of the infamous sports promoter Bill Veeck---this motley collection of mutts, hopefuls, and has-beens has become a national phenomenon for playing with as much gusto off the field as on...while proudly adhering to the timeless sports credo that it takes heart, skill, and cheap theatrics to plant devoted butts in stadium seats. This is where Darryl Strawberry was rehabilitated (the first time) and began his long come-back climb to the Majors. Jack Morris---once baseball's winningest pitcher and biggest s.o.b.---joined the team only to vanish without a trace. Baseball's first female player, Ila Borders, made history on the mound of the Saints' ever-sold-out Midway Stadium. And St. Louis Cardinals phenom, J.D. Drew, played here for $300 a month while holding out for Major League millions. Here is the true story of one championship season and one complete collapse; a tale told with high spirits and genuine affection of frantic fans and baseball Annies, a back-rubbing nun, a blind sportscaster, and 300-pound pig ballboy; a glorious celebration of the boys who still play the game for the best of reasons: SO THEY CAN GET CHICKS.In this era of spoiled millionaire athletes and Big Business baseball, the spirit of the Game is alive and well---if a bit deranged---in America's heartland.In SLOUCHING TOWARD FARGO, author Neal Karlen describes his two-year journey with the St. Paul Saints---the most audacious bush-league ballclub ever to plumb the bottom of the pro sports barrel. Co-owned by comedian Bill Murray and run by Mike Veeck---son of the infamous sports promoter Bill Veeck---this motley collection of mutts, hopefuls, and has-beens has become a national phenomenon for playing with as much gusto off the field as on...while proudly adhering to the timeless sports credo that it takes heart, skill, and cheap theatrics to plant devoted butts in stadium seats. This is where Darryl Strawberry was rehabilitated (the first time) and began his long come-back climb to the Majors. Jack Morris---once baseball's winningest pitcher and biggest s.o.b.---joined the team only to vanish without a trace. Baseball's first female player, Ila Borders, made history on the mound of the Saints' ever-sold-out Midway Stadium. And St. Louis Cardinals phenom, J.D. Drew, played here for $300 a month while holding out for Major League millions. Here is the true story of one championship season and one complete collapse; a tale told with high spirits and genuine affection of frantic fans and baseball Annies, a back-rubbing nun, a blind sportscaster, and 300-pound pig ballboy; a glorious celebration of the boys who still play the game for the best of reasons: SO THEY CAN GET CHICKS.

    They will offer tips on surviving the credit crunch for all those that need them.Expect a board game put together by Sir Digby Chicken-Caesar, a guide to the cheeses of Saudi Arabia, and news of the ever-expanding range of Mitchell and Webb products.This Mitchell and Webb book will be supported by a frankly enormous marketing budget and stunning publicity everywhere. This will be the best comedy book for a long time, not least because David and Robert have put every page together themselves.

    Beavis and Butt-head give us their view of the world from A to Z in their own version of an encyclopedia--just in time for Christmas. Illustrated.

    Never before has a single book combined awesome vans, unicorns, Billy Joel, and erotic fiction in such a potent combination. A writing tour de force? Perhaps. A reading experience that will sear itself into your consciousness like a red-hot branding iron? Without question. Comedian and basic cable superstar Michael Ian Black unleashes the full fury of his astonishing intellect in this collection of short comic essays. My Custom Van is a no-holds-barred assault to the funny bone that will literally beat you into submission with hilarity*. How did he do it? How did he create such a fine anthology? Answer: With love. Michael opened his heart and used the magical power of love to write more than fifty thought-provoking essays like, "Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow," and "An Open Letter to the Hair Stylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade." Maybe you think love is not a substitute for "good writing skills" and "spell check." Bull pucky! When it comes to writing books, love is the most powerful word processor of all. Sounds pretty great, right? And yet...something is still holding you back from paying the full purchase price of this book. What is it? Perhaps you secretly believe you do not deserve a book this good. Nonsense -- you deserve this book and so much more. In fact, if Michael could have written you all the stars in the sky, that's what he would have done. But he couldn't do that, due to his lack of knowledge in the area of astronomy. So he wrote this book instead. And this flap copy. Enjoy. * Michael Ian Black is not responsible for any actual injuries caused by reading this book.

    In THE LAWDOG FILES, he chronicles his official encounters with everything from naked bikers, combative eco-warriors, suicidal drunks, respectful methheads, prison tattoo artists, and creepy children to six-foot chickens and lethal chihuahuas. THE LAWDOG FILES range from the bittersweet to the explosively hilarious, as LawDog relates his unforgettable experiences in a laconic, self-deprecating manner that is funny in its own right. The book is more than mere entertainment, it is an education in two English dialects, Police and Texas Country. And underlying the humor is an unmistakable sympathy for society's less fortunate - and in most cases, significantly less intelligent - whose encounters with the law are an all-too-frequent affair.

    And people are going to be picking it up for many years to come, because — like the long-rerunning TV shows  — there's not a topical gag in the book anywhere, so it's going to be funny for the forseeable future. And as its title suggests, this is also a terribly useful book. Among its very many gems of advice, it shows how to cook with acetylene, take revenge on a lawn mower, measure your hat size with a two-by-four, reduce your carbon footprint (it involves moving into a fruit tree located next to a liquor store) and make your own alternative fuel (which involves an empty propane tank and a full septic one).