I struggled to get the kids off to school. I talked myself into getting ready for work. I packed lunches, checked backpacks, planned crock pot meals, and wished I was somewhere else. Yes, that's right. I wished I was somewhere other than my kitchen listening to my children fight over the last pack of fruit snacks. I dreamt about a life that was less stressful and more enjoyable. These thoughts made me cry on the way to drop off my kids at school. These thoughts made me feel like a terrible person.These thoughts made me feel like I was the worst Mother on the planet. I was ashamed to have these thoughts. I felt like I was failing at life. I was overworked, under appreciated, and dreaming of wanting more. Why wasn't I happy? Life seemed to be a chronic shit storm and I was the imbecilic meteorologist who forgot her umbrella. I decided that I needed to chase my dreams. I decided I had to find a way to scoop the poop and find my passion.

    His humor and short fiction appear in various publications throughout the Southeast.

     In a culture that idealizes motherhood, it’s scary to confess that, in your house, being a mother is beautiful and dirty and joyful and frustrating all at once. Admitting that it’s not easy doesn’t make you a bad mom; at least, it shouldn’t. If I can’t survive my daughter as a toddler, how the hell am I going to get through the teenage years? When Jill Smokler was first home with her small children, she thought her blog would be something to keep friends and family updated. To her surprise, she hit a chord in the hearts of mothers everywhere. I end up doing my son’s homework. It’s wrong, but so much easier. Total strangers were contributing their views on that strange reality called motherhood. As other women shared their stories, Jill realized she wasn’t alone in her feelings of exhaustion and imperfection. My eighteen month old still can’t say “Mommy” but used the word “shit” in perfect context. But she sensed her readers were still holding back, so decided to start an anonymous confessional, a place where real moms could leave their most honest thoughts without fearing condemnation. I pretend to be happy but I cry every night in the shower. The reactions were amazing: some sad, some pee-in-your-pants funny, some brutally honest. But they were real, not a commercial glamorization. I clock out of motherhood at 8 P.M. and hide in the basement with my laptop and a beer. If you’re already a fan, lock the bathroom door on your whining kids, run a bubble bath, and settle in. If you’ve not encountered Scary Mommy before, break out a glass of champagne as well, because you’ll be toasting your initiation into a select club. I know why some animals eat their young. In chapters that cover husbands (The Biggest Baby of Them All) to homework (Didn’t I Already Graduate?), Confessions of a Scary Mommy combines all-new essays from Jill with the best of the anonymous confessions. Sometimes I wish my son was still little—then I hear kids screaming at the store. As Jill says, “We like to paint motherhood as picture perfect. A newborn peacefully resting on his mother’s chest. A toddler taking tentative first steps into his mother’s loving arms. A mother fluffing her daughter’s prom dress. These moments are indeed miraculous and joyful; they can also be few and far between.” Of course you adore your kids. Of course you would lay down your life for them. But be honest now: Have you ever wondered what possessed you to sign up for the job of motherhood? STOP! DO NOT OPEN THIS BOOK UNTIL YOU RECITE THESE VOWS! I shall remember that no mother is perfect and my children will thrive because, and sometimes even in spite, of me. I shall not preach to a fellow mother who has not asked my opinion. It’s none of my damn business. I shall maintain a sense of humor about all things motherhood.

    If you are purchasing the KINDLE/EBOOK version the baby and toy noises are NOT included but links are provided to download and purchase the 14 tracks of baby and toy noises. Do you have a much-loved dog? Your 'fur kid'? Are you expecting or trying for a baby? Does your dog know? Do you want to learn how to prepare your dog for the new addition? Tell Your Dog You're Pregnant offers a practical, intuitive approach for creating a loving bond between your dog and your new baby. Written by renowned veterinarian and behaviorist, Dr Kirkham has packed this book full of information, helpful tips and the latest behavioral knowledge. It is a must read for any dog owning family who is expecting a baby - your dog's and baby's future relationship may just depend on it. In this step-by-step guide you will learn how to: Prepare your dog for the baby; Accustom your dog to numerous baby sounds, including toy noises; Read and interpret your dog's body language; Adjust your routine and the household to keep your dog calm; Introduce your dog and baby for the first time; Recognize your dog's warning signs; Know when you need professional assistance.

    We all know one! They like to groan and grumble, offering their own commentary on the shortcomings of modern life. Whether it is queues at the supermarket, the state of the health system, the price of a pint these days, the hairstyles of teenagers, or the number of Maltesers you actually get in a bag, there is always something that will get their goat. 'The Grumpy Old Git's Guide to Life' is a hilarious celebration of all these grumps, how to identify one, what exactly they find so irritating and why we find their rants quite so amusing.

    Congratulations! You’re pregnant! Now, where do you turn to for the best advice? What if you could bottle the wisdom of all those women who came before you—and combine it with the solid medical advice from a renowned Beverly Hills’ OB/GYN and nationally known pediatrician? Expecting 411 is the answer: smart, up-to-date and refreshingly free of paranoia, this is the book you’ll turn to for quick answers to your most pressing questions.

     OB staff members write in with their strangest encounters, medics recall embarrassing moments, and nurses vent about frustrating incidents. We learn about even more odd things patients have gotten stuck in their orifices, and we share the laughter and confusion with the healthcare professionals who treated these patients. So, take this book to your nurses lounge to flip through while you're on break (WHAT BREAK?!), read it while you're staging, catch up on all the drama on your day off, or relive all the craziness while you're enjoying your retirement. You WILL laugh as you read firsthand accounts from healthcare professionals who share their experiences as a reminder that you are NOT alone, and you're not losing your mind!

    This is storytelling at its funniest.If laughter is the best medicine, then this book is your prescription. Turn off the news and spend a few days not following current events. Instead, return to the basics—humanity’s ability to laugh at itself. Maybe you should even do a news cleanse for a few days! Hide under the covers and read these stories instead. Or read a chapter a day, or a story a day for 101 days. These pages contain the antidote to whatever is troubling you. They will definitely put you in a good mood. No one is safe from our writers— from spouses to parents to children to colleagues and friends. And of course the funniest of all are the stories they tell about their own mishaps and those “most embarrassing moments.” There’s no holding anything back in these pages, so prepare for lots of good, clean (and not so clean) fun.

    Could you keep your cool while talking to all levels of stupid? Would you be able to wear a headset all day without wanting to throw it out of the window? All calls are recorded, analysed and timed to the second. Average handling time (AHT) is discussed as if it's the very meaning of life and managers are always coming up with new ways to shave milliseconds from each call. Is it acceptable to only have a total eight minutes a day for visits to the toilet or coffee machine? Imagine not being allowed to hang up on someone who is screaming abuse down the line at you. Welcome to the Call Centre! Izabelle worked in call centres for many years; from insurance to home shopping, from selling advertising to discussing loans. Finally in the early hours one morning, she decided enough was in fact far too much and left her final call centre job the same day, never to return. On her way out of the door for the final time she vowed she would write a book about life in a call centre. Here is that book. Read about call centres in general, memorable customers and staff. How do staff stay sane? What is Big Red? Are cranberries the true meaning of Christmas? Why would you have leather trousers round your ankles in a lift? How not to impress your boss. Izabelle shares these and many other true tales from her years of incarceration in UK call centres.

    From the experts at Parenting magazine and popular mommy blogger Meagan Francis, The Happiest Mom brings the latest happiness research--and the experience of a mother of five--to moms who want to make parenting a little more joyful. With its straightforward humor, honesty, and insight, The Happiest Mom is a must-have for both new and veteran moms.In The Happiest Mom, author Meagan Francis shows us that motherhood is not an obstacle to joy. Drawing on recent happiness research, conversations with hundreds of other moms, and her own experience as a mother of five, Francis shares her ten secrets to happy motherhood in this down-to-earth, funny, and accessible book. Praise for The Happiest Mom: "This book takes the revolutionary approach that you can be a good parent while actually enjoying yourself."--Ada Calhoun, author of Instinctive Parenting "The Happiest Mom is packed with the sort of advice you need when you are about to lose it. Every mom needs this book."--Jenna McCarthy, author of The Parent Trap "I found myself underlining passages and laughing out loud in recognition. This thoughtful, hilarious look at motherhood is a terrific resource for anyone who wants to be the happiest mother she can be."--Gretchen Rubin, author of The New York Times bestseller The Happiness Project "Reading this book is like chatting with your girlfriend and getting all the support, advice, and laughs you need."--Brett Paesal, author of Mommies Who Drink "The Happiest Mom is stuffed with tips that made us feel relieved rather than burdened."--Heather Flett and Whitney Moss, coauthors of The Rookie Mom's Handbook

    Hilarious, wise, and full of empathy, The Diaper Diaries helps new mothers maintain the one thing they can't survive without-a sense of humor. Cynthia Copeland, a mother of three, knows the real poop—figuratively and literally—on being a new mother, and she has the wit, skill, and generosity to share it. Illustrated throughout with the author's wonderful cartoons, The Diaper Diaries chronicles the first year of motherhood, from the hospital stay (nominees for the world's worst labor coach anyone?) to baby's first birthday and contemplating the unimaginable—having another. There are lists, quizzes, timelines, charts, and real-life stories. Birth announcement faux pas. Names and nicknames and what they really mean. Pacifier tales. A guide to Nana-speak. How a 4-mile car trip can take 2 hours. Why it's impossible to get to work without finding spit-up or rice cereal somewhere on your clothing. Ten reasons to be happy you're up at 3:15 a.m. And, with Mr. Phrenology-like illustrations, a section on the new mother's brain before and after baby, featuring: The Travel Section (Then: How to flirt your way into first class. Now: How to sweet talk your jogging stroller onto the plane), And The Sex Section (Then: Exact location of G-spot. Now: ________).

    The fourth trimester has more in common with the nine months that came before than with the lifetime that follows. This comprehensive, intimate, and much-needed "operating manual" for newborns presents a new paradigm of a baby's early life that shifts our focus and alters our priorities.Combining the latest scientific findings with real-life stories and experiences, Susan Brink examines critical dimensions of newborn development such as eating and nutrition, bonding and attachment, sleep patterns, sensory development, pain and pleasure, and the creation of foundations for future advancement. Brink offers well-informed, practical information and the reasons behind her advice so that parents and caretakers can make their own decisions about how to care for a newborn during this crucial period. The Fourth Trimester assures readers that infants are as biologically capable as they are physically helpless. They thrive on what is readily available in every household: consistent, loving attention.

    Your great-grandmother would be amazed to learn that toilet training has become one of Mom's greatest sources of anxiety and frustration during her child's early years. To Great-Grandma, it was no worse than teaching her child to use a spoon. Rosemond does not write from the perspective of a psychologist, but with the common sense and authority derived from 30 years of counseling parents, and from his two children and seven grandchildren, some of whom he helped toilet train. He advises an old-fashioned approach to toilet training that would have earned Grandma's stamp of approval. This book is helpful, revealing, and funny. Best of all, the method works! Thousands of parents have used it to discover how easy toilet training can be. With his trademark parents-take-control style, Rosemond covers everything from the basic how-to and troubleshooting issues to successful testimonies and proper encouragement. His straightforward and no-nonsense advice utilizes simple steps with proven results. No arguing, bribing, or cajoling necessary. It helps parents avoid common toilet-training mistakes, and leads the way to a diaper-free household.

    This book offers a large menu of strategies, resources, organizations, tips and suggestions for parents to find optimal learning opportunities for their kids, covering the gamut of talent areas, including academics, the arts, technology, creativity, music and thinking skills.The focus of this definitive resource is on giving parents the tools needed to ensure that their gifted kids are happy and successful both in and out of school. Additional topics covered include information on volunteering at your child's school, different school options and specialty programs for gifted kids, tips for handling special circumstances and strategies for finding the best resources for parents on the Web. This easy-to-read book is sure to be a favorite of parents of gifted kids for years to come!Texas Association for the Gifted and Talented 2009 Legacy Book Award Winner - Parenting