Seuss's Oh, the Places You'll Go! But before your first day of actual work, you need to meet Dr. Suits for a dose of reality. You won't learn this stuff in high school, college, or gift books by world-famous authors. But fear not!With his unique blend of hilarious verse and images, Dr. Suits can help young grads get a handle on what's really about to hit them. Oh, the Meetings You'll Go To! is a brutally honest, and ultimately uplifting, take on the struggles of post-grad life that every 20-something will relate to.Tough love never made you laugh so hard.

    Sam Halpern, who is "like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair," has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:"That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.""Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking.""The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two."More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.

     From the author of the sensational bestseller I Was Told There'd Be Cake comes a new book of personal essays brimming with all the charm and wit that have earned Sloane Crosley widespread acclaim, award nominations, and an ever-growing cadre of loyal fans. In Cake readers were introduced to the foibles of Crosley's life in New York City-always teetering between the glamour of Manhattan parties, the indignity of entry-level work, and the special joy of suburban nostalgia-and to a literary voice that mixed Dorothy Parker with David Sedaris and became something all its own.Crosley still lives and works in New York City, but she's no longer the newcomer for whom a trip beyond the Upper West Side is a big adventure. She can pack up her sensibility and take us with her to Paris, to Portugal (having picked it by spinning a globe and putting down her finger, and finally falling in with a group of Portuguese clowns), and even to Alaska, where the "bear bells" on her fellow bridesmaids' ponytails seemed silly until a grizzly cub dramatically intrudes. Meanwhile, back in New York, where new apartments beckon and taxi rides go awry, her sense of the city has become more layered, her relationships with friends and family more complicated.As always, Crosley's voice is fueled by the perfect witticism, buoyant optimism, flair for drama, and easy charm in the face of minor suffering or potential drudgery. But in How Did You Get This Number it has also become increasingly sophisticated, quicker and sharper to the point, more complex and lasting in the emotions it explores. And yet, Crosley remains the unfailingly hilarious young Every woman, healthily equipped with intelligence and poise to fend off any potential mundanity in maturity.Show me the doll --Lost in space --Take a stab at it --It's always home you'll miss --Light pollution --If you sprinkle --An abbreviated catalog of tongues --Le Paris! --Off the back of a truck

    What really happens when you give in to your child's tantrums? The events that follow this seemingly simple act will test parents to the breaking point…while entertaining the millions of us who have been there ourselves (and lived to tell). Also a cautionary and instructive tale for new parents, If You Give a Kid a Cookie, Will He Shut the F**k Up? is a must-have for every family library collection. Just keep it on the top shelf.

    Filled with righteous fury, Pigeon loses his temper and complains bitterly about this terrible state of affairs. However, things aren't what they seem, and Duckling has a secret plan! Part of the bestselling Pigeon series by genius children's book author and illustrator Mo Willems.

    Bush and visitors included)! In these 128 pages, President Trump is mercilessly mocked, relentlessly ridiculed and savagely satirized. The book features MAD's best reprinted material with the sharpest satiric shots at "The Donald," comically chronicling his rise from obnoxious businessman to really obnoxious reality show host to uber obnoxious "Commander-in-Tweet." Please note: MAD will not offer refunds on this book when Trump is impeached!

    Begun as a personal challenge to create daily, the comics feature a variety of themes from the silly to the serious. Characterized by a charming drawing style and frequently featuring the cartoonist and her farcical feline Jimmy, these are the best Sunday comics you've never seen.

    When Max Andrews, the much-loved and handsome (lonely and gay) host of "Slumber Sunday Sundown" accidentally exposes himself in front of twenty million kids and their parents during a "Toys for Tots" segment, Sellevision faces its first big scandal. As Max fails to find a job in television, another host, the popular and perky Peggy Jean Smythe is receiving sinister emails about her appearance from a stalker. Popping pills and drinking heavily, she fails to notice that her husband is spending a lot of time with the very young babysitter who lives next door. Then there's Leigh, whose affair with Sellevision boss Howard Toast is going nowhere, until she exposes him on air; and Bebe, Sellevision's star host, who finds Mr. Right through the Internet--if she can just stop her shopping addiction from taking over.

    The Onion has quickly become the world's most popular humor publication, misinforming half a million readers a week with one-of-a-kind social satire both in print (on newsstands nationwide) and online from its remote office in Madison, Wisconsin.Witness the march of history as Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers and The Onion's award-winning writing staff present the twentieth century like you've never seen it before.

    No, not since Treasure Island... Actually, not since Jonah and the Whale has there been a sea saga to rival The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists, featuring the greatest sea-faring hero of all time, the immortal Pirate Captain, who, although he lives for months at a time at sea, somehow manages to keep his beard silky and in good condition. Worried that his pirates are growing bored with a life of winking at pretty native ladies and trying to stick enough jellyfish together to make a bouncy castle, the Pirate Captain decides it's high time to spearhead an adventure. While searching for some major pirate booty, he mistakenly attacks the young Charles Darwin's Beagle and then leads his ragtag crew from the exotic Galapagos Islands to the fog-filled streets of Victorian London. There they encounter grisly murder, vanishing ladies, radioactive elephants, and the Holy Ghost himself. And that's not even the half of it.

    Jelly is a no-nonsense jellyfish. The two might not have a lot in common, but they do they love waffles, parties and adventures. Join Narwhal and Jelly as they discover the whole wide ocean together.

    But Mike rose to the challenge, pulling no punches and stripping down Trump and his cronies with his signature wit and style. Covering Trump’s antics from the 2016 election through to the Mueller investigation, the cartoons in A Very Stable Genius tackle key moments in Trump’s political career, offering scathing insights on everything from his disastrous track record with women to his revolving-door cabinet to his suspiciously intimate relationship with a certain Russian leader. Woven through with searing commentary and personal anecdotes, Mike’s cartoons will shock and delight you, making you think as much as they make you laugh — when you’re not too busy being terrified.

    Throughout these pages, she catalogs her encounters with local eccentrics as well as the questions that plague her, such as, "What is the standard length of eyebrow hairs?" Whether she's helping someone scan his face onto an online dating site or explaining why the library doesn't have any dragon autobiographies, Sheridan's bizarre tales prove that she's truly seen it all.Stacked high with hundreds of strange-but-true stories, I Work at a Public Library celebrates librarians and the unforgettable patrons that roam the stacks every day.

    Patty has never been able to shake her mother's one-line witticisms from her brain, so she's collected them into a book, accompanied by full color illustrations by New Yorker staff cartoonist Roz Chast. These snappy maternal cautions include:If you feel guilty about throwing away leftovers, put them in the back of your refrigerator for five days and then throw them out.If you run out of food at your dinner party, the world will end. When traveling, call the hotel from the airport to say there aren't enough towels in your room and, by the way, you'd like a room with a better view.Why don't you write my eulogy now so I can correct it?Every child will want to buy this for mom on Mother's Day!

    For The Secret Lives of Men and Women, Warren has selected a never-before-seen collection of postcards bearing the explosive confessions and captivating revelations of men and women everywhere. Created using photographs, collages, illustrations, and more, the handmade cards offer a compelling dialogue on some of today’s most provocative topics—from marriage and infidelity, to parenting, office politics, repressed fantasies, and even abortion—daring us to consider how well we really know our friends, family, even ourselves.