Like the bungling burglar who logged on to his own Facebook page at his victim's house - and forgot to turn the computer off when he left, or the stupid bank robber who made his escape in his own car - complete with personalised number plates, or the idiotic criminal who tried to hand himself into the police... in order to collect the reward. Award-winning writer Andrew Penman has scoured the country for this hilarious collection of those who are not just bad, but also dim very dim. 'Andrew Penman enjoys a laugh at the expense of Britain's most stupid burglars' - The Mirror 'Exploits so dim-witted it's surprising they ever managed to keep themselves breathing long enough to commit any crime' - Wales Online Illustrated with cartoons drawn by Neil Kerber.

    It will keep you entertained for hours. It's the very unusual story of Paul Henry - from his eventful childhood to his adventurous career in journalism to his recent outrageous comments on television which divided the country.A natural-born story teller, Paul spins many great yarns in this book. It's fascinating insight into his complex character. He's surprising -- he doesn't adhere to any prescribed set of beliefs. He's bold -- he set himself up as an international news correspondent working out of his Masterton lounge. And he's versatile -- turning his hand to running a cafe, running for Parliament and running from terrorists.

    As he looks squarely at his next decade of life his smartphone convinces him the time is ripe for a change. A gift from his grandfather provides the means, so he embarks on the path of blues artists and beatniks before him-and hits the road. He immediately meets a damsel in hitchhiking distress who says her name is Mona. Her presence persuades him that the bright lights and dark clubs of Chicago might be his kind of town. So on a summer Saturday night they settle into a fancy hotel overlooking the beaches of Lake Michigan. On Sunday...Mona disappears.But she leaves behind more than a sweet memory that involves Tommy in a brand new cash flow problem he never imagined. While trying to sort out how to stay on the right side of the law and get back on the road, he meets a young criminologist who helps him, a DJ who doesn't, and a librarian who teaches him about the city, women, and the art of the makeover. After truth and lies are stirred like a blue martini, being assaulted by a pink monkey, and witnessing a drive-by shooting that drowns a Ferrari-Tommy is desperate to help Mona.If he can find her.Praise for Joe Klingler:"...dramatic, vivid, evocative, and perfectly detailed."--San Francisco Book Review"Fierce writing chops...balance action and subterfuge...effortlessly clever prose."--Kirkus Reviews"Klingler is skilled at writing action scenes. He puts the reader directly in the line of fire, and doesn't let up."--Foreword Clarion Reviews

    The profession requires cops to see people at their worst. They see death, tragedy, crime, and despair on a daily basis. The very nature of the tasks cops perform and the things cops see skews their sense of humor. Sometimes, a sense of humor is the only defense mechanism in a police officer's tool box. Stripped of the ability to laugh, or forced to be politically correct in a politically incorrect work environment can be hazardous to one's health. Coping becomes an essential component of a police officer's arsenal. One of the primary coping mechanisms utilized by cops is humor. A cop can find something funny about almost anything, regardless of how tragic the circumstances. Dark humor involves making light of a serious, disturbing or taboo subject matter. It is sometimes viewed as morbid, cruel, offensive, and graphic in nature and is yet, still found funny. This is the story of the author's twenty-year police career with the New York City Transit Police and NYPD as he worked with some of New York City's darkest knights - those cops who did and said the funniest things under the most difficult circumstances.

    This new model replaces the popular D5000 and creates a nice bridge between the more beginner-level D3100 and the high-end D7000.This book has one goal: to teach D5100 owners how to make great shots using their new Nikon camera. Users learn how to use the D5100 to create the type of photos that inspired them to buy the camera in the first place. Everything in the book is in service of creating a great image.Starting with the top ten things users need to know about the camera, photographer Rob Sylvan carefully guides readers through the operating features. Owners get practical advice from a pro on which settings to use when, great shooting tips, and even end-of-chapter assignments.

    As he walked around looking for help wanted signs, a series of unfortunate accidents occurred resulting in him entering a coma. When he woke up, he discovered he'd been granted a mysterious system. Moreover, the system finally provided him with some direction about what he should do with his life. Follow Alan as he explores his new found calling!

    Another adventure of Milo Snotrocket based on Star Wars saga.

    And really, does the victor have to be that hot? If this is the Stockholm syndrome, it sure didn’t take her long to catch it!Lucy’s kidnapper calls himself Will but looks suspiciously like ’80s child TV star Ricky Baines, whose acting career was cut short when he himself was snatched and held for ransom 25 years ago in a notorious cold case that remains unsolved. Will’s gang includes an aging French bombshell, an outlandish Irish giant with a mysterious past and a thing for Will’s sister, and long-lost Cousin Hal—a charming fellow who neglects to mention that he happens to be the twisted sociopath who kidnapped Will when he was still America’s favorite little star. Hal spent the past quarter century in the slammer for an unrelated murder, and now he’s out and determined to locate the $2 million ransom Will’s family paid. Someone else dug up the cash while Hal was behind bars, and that sort of thing tends to make twisted sociopaths a tad grouchy.Fortunately (or not), Lucy’s bigamous ex is on the case. But so are a gay private eye in a fat suit and a bad-tempered parrot with an ax to grind, so no worries. Everyone has a secret and no one is who he seems when Kidnap Fever strikes.

    But even as she began that long ride down from the mining camp, a silver coin was being tossed into the air a few miles away that would change everything.

    In the early days of AA, sponsors would come to the alcoholic's home and talk him through Steps 1 and 2, and when they were thoroughly convinced he was ready, they would start him on the program. Step 12 is the foundation of sponsorships: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, to practice these principles in all our affairs." Carry This Message addresses McQ's concern that sponsors have lost some skills in working with alcoholics. AA sponsors need to refocus on the Big Book, on the Twelve Steps, and on their message, urges McQ, to recognize the value of the program and to return to its roots and essence. Directed to sponsors, this is a companion book to The Steps We Took, offering tools for helping others find recovery and new life through the Twelve Step program.

    Meet Bridget and Joan: Thelma and Louise on mobility scooters, reluctant residents of the Second Best Magnolia Retirement Home, and lifelong friends joined at the artificial hip.It’s been a wild year for the two rebellious wrinkletons: sherry and shoplifting, Sanatogen and sexting, and a mysterious toy boy who threatens their lifelong friendship and possibly even more…

    What doesn’t he get? Just about everything. That’s why he walks around with a little camera attached to his glasses that records his entire life. Then he watches it all later to try to figure out the things he didn’t get before – which, as you’ll recall, is just about everything – and he makes a weekly video blog for all to see. Unfortunately, Hugh’s cluelessness leads him to run for Student Council President. Even his little sister knows that this school election thing is just “not him”, but Hugh, as always, has to find out the hard way. At least Hugh’s campaign gets him the attention of the very confident, very pretty – and very intimidating – Molly MacLaine. But will Molly be able to help Hugh survive his disastrous campaign, or will he crash and burn… and bring the whole school down with him? If you like the Middle School series and Diary of a Wimpy Kid, you’ll love HughTube. This book is for anybody who’s ever been baffled by the secrets, contradictions and unwritten rules of middle school. Tweens and teens will easily relate to the comic mishaps of our hapless hero. This funny coming of age, middle grade story is the first in a series, so if you like it, there's more to come! Don't forget to look for the surprise after Chapter 1!

    Her dream, since childhood, has been to own some land for herself to feel independent and free. However, being a woman has almost set her dream on fire. Is there any chance that her dream could turn into reality? Sometimes what seems like a great opportunity can turn into great disappointment.Jesse Flynn is a mistake-ridden Boston businessman who inherited the neighboring ranch of Ariel's family. He arrived in the small town of Pinevale with intentions that are not immediately obvious. Will he manage to achieve his plan before someone finds out? When he sets his eyes upon her he feels for the first time in his life that he's found his place. How will Jesse's past failures follow him and put in danger his new life and happiness?Sparks fly when the lady rancher meets the businessman. They go about the property operations, side by side as business partners, while secretly, they each long for something more from the other than a good work ethic. Will they find a way to solve their differences, when clouds appear on the horizon or the rain will destroy everything? Is a single mistake enough to break them apart?"A Liberating Love to Set Her Free" is a historical western romance novel of approximately 80,000 words. No cheating, no cliffhangers, and a guaranteed happily ever after.

    ...and never left the hospital. Trapped and alone, what hope does he have when nobody even knows where to look? Prize-winning journalist Elizabeth is in a slump. After taking down the mayor in a career-defining story, nothing else measures up. Desperate for anything she follows a vague lead from a spooked informant to the local hospital. Under the guise of a regular story, Elizabeth starts digging for answers. She can sense there’s a story, but doesn’t know how big it is. Until it’s too late. A powerful conspiracy is keeping Nathan under their control and his existence a secret. Can Elizabeth uncover the truth and free Nathan? Or will she be silenced forever? You’ll love this mystery thriller because of the twists and turns, the excitement of piecing together the clues, and the shocking secret behind it all. Get it now.

     Mare Internum. Mesogeios. The Mediterraneus. That sea has been known by many names since the creation of the world. To the people living around its shores, it was the entire world. Myron had no use for the myriad of gods that the people of his village worshiped - and cursed. And it was obvious to himself that those immortals, in turn, had no interest in a young man whose future would be bound by the reed pools and swamps of the Nilos delta. His disinterest was such that he seldom even bothered to bash the ears of whichever deity was supposedly responsibility for the daily misfortunes of an orphan. Then came the evening when the marauders struck... Had he been given even a glimpse of his future from that moment on, he would have dismissed it as the ravings of a drunken myth weaver. In fact, the story might have been similar to the tales that were told on occasion, around the evening fires, by an itinerant bard who entertained the village in return for a bone to gnaw and a jar of bitter beer to quaff. But, sanctioned by the gods or no, his future would take him to the far reaches of the known world. And his rise from the lowest drudge to the command of men was certainly not derived from bending his knee to some vaporous deity, but by innate skill and the ability to take the measure of a man. Indeed, his story was the kind of tale that a bard loved and would cause his listeners sit in total silence to hear. After all, why would a man in reality, who had fought his way to power and riches, would give them up for a mere woman and an uncertain future? Of course, only the gods knew of his unique gift...