Then got out of bed and had a brisk rub down with the pumice stone. I opened the curtains and saw that the sun was shining brightly. (A suspicion is growing in my mind that the BBC is not to be trusted.)Margaret Hilda Roberts is a rather ambitious 14 � year old grocer's daughter from Grantham. She can't abide laziness, finds four hours of chemistry homework delightful and believes she is of royal birth - or at least destined for great things. But Margaret knows that good things never come to those who wait . . .These are the secret diary entries of a girl born into an ordinary life, yet who might just go on to become something really rather extraordinary, and she is brilliantly brought vividly to life by bestselling author Sue Townsend, Britain's favourite comic writer for over three decades.'Essential reading for Mole followers' Times Educational Supplement'Wonderfully funny and sharp as knives' Sunday TimesSue Townsend is Britain's favourite comic author. Her hugely successful novels include eight Adrian Mole books, The Public Confessions of a Middle-Aged Woman (Aged 55�), Number Ten, Ghost Children, The Queen and I, Queen Camilla and The Woman Who Went to Bed For a Year, all of which are highly acclaimed bestsellers. She has also written numerous well-received plays. She lives in Leicester, where she was born and grew up.

    Sadly, most of these "professional" players will wind up broke. While many people play, few win consistently. In Getting Started in Hold 'em, noted poker authority Ed Miller guides you onto the winning path. As someone who made the leap from beginner to professional in less than a year and a half, Ed is uniquely qualified to show new players the quickest route to hold 'em success. This book presents the critical principles that expert players use: preflop hand valuation, domination, betting for value, protecting your hand, semi-bluffing, pot equity, pot odds, implied odds, free card plays, the importance of stack size, why chips change value in tournaments, and much more. Whether you want to play limit, no limit, or tournament hold 'em, this book provides you a solid foundation. It's perfect, not just for the would-be pro, but for anyone who wants a serious edge on the competition. Getting Started in Hold 'em teaches you more than just how to play; it teaches you to win.

    The perfect book for the Nana of today, it will make you laugh, it will make you cry...it will make you want to run out and buy something nice for your grandchild!

    After thirty years of waiting for the follow-up, Jenkins returns to the world of big-time golf in The Money-Whipped Steer-Job Three-Jack Give-Up Artist and finds a world where endorsements and course fashion matter more than the side bet. His hero, Bobby Joe Grooves, is a hell-raising two-iron-wielding rogue trying to turn his one annual tournament win and considerable Texas charm into a spot on the Ryder Cup team. Standing between Bobby Joe and his little spot of golf heaven are two ex-wives, a girlfriend, various pious PGA officials, and his embarrassing lack of a career major. A book that will teach you more about golf history than any weepy sunset-over-the-eighteenth-green retrospective, The Money-Whipped Steer-Job Three-Jack Give-Up Artist is an uproarious portrait of what it’s really like to play on the PGA Tour. It’s vintage Dan Jenkins.

     In her late twenties, M.E. Evans hops on a plane to Italy on a mission to change her life and that’s exactly what happens. Unfortunately, personal growth isn’t always easy. In Naked, bestselling author, M.E. Evans tackles the dysfunctional family narrative and travel memoir in a way that is refreshingly honest, painfully vulnerable, and wildly entertaining. If you’ve ever set foot in a foreign country or picked up a travel memoir you probably think you already know what Naked is about: a dreamy personal account of the life-altering beauty that is Italy. And sure, that’s in there, nestled somewhere between the profound grief, bruised ego, debilitating anxiety, chronic depression, vagina paintings, a boyfriend with billowing chest hair and a mother-in-law who forcibly irons your underwear. Evans’ dream of a magical life abroad is marred by forbidden love, the death of her younger brother, and a batshit crazy family, yet she skillfully merges tragedy and humor for a wild emotional journey exploring what it means to be human–flaws and all. Evans’ wit, compassion, and vulnerability make reading this book a rarely authentic and relatable experience. You’ll cry, you’ll cackle, and you’ll want Evans to be your best friend.

    Call it the algebra oracle: By plugging in the right variables, GEEK LOGIK answers life’s most persistent questions. It covers Dating and Romance, Career and Finance, and everyday decisions like Should I get a tattoo? Can I still wear tight jeans? Is it time to see a therapist? How many beers should I have at the company picnic? How does it work? Take a simple issue that comes up once or twice a week: Should I call in sick? Fill in the variables honestly, such as D for doctor’s note (enter 1 for “no,†10 for “yes,†and 5 for “yes, but it’s a forgeryâ€), R for importance of job (1-10, with 10 being “personally responsible for Earth’s orbit around Sunâ€), Fj for how much fun you have at work (1-10, with 10 being “personal trainer for underwear modelsâ€), N for how much you need the money (1-10, with 10 being “I owe the mobâ€), then do the math, and voilà—if the product, Hooky, is greater than 1, enjoy your very own Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Includes a pocket calculator so that prospective geeks can immediately solve the equation on the back cover: Should I buy this book?

    The book follows the author's death-defying 200-mile journey in his antique Thomas Crapper bath - not just across the Channel, but around Kent - right up to the tremendous reception and huge media attention which awaited him under Tower Bridge. Tim met the Queen, and his bath now resides in the National Maritime Museum of Great Britain.

    With over a billion views and millions of subscribers to his name, he is the undisputed king of social media. But despite this success he is a self-confessed bell-end. Excessively posting selfies, oversharing about his dead nan, spending all day scouring Tinder and suffering from red-hot Fifa rage, are just some of his undesirable online habits. However, with acceptance comes salvation and now KSI is blowing the doors off the internet to find the cure. No one is spared, as KSI takes down fellow YouTubers, trolls, paedos, Tinder catfishers and Nigerian scammers in an all-out assault on the online universe. Along the way he also reveals how to become a YouTube kingpin as well as his hot Fifa tips, before he unveils his online revolution to help save the next generation from his fate.So, if you want to avoid becoming a total bell-end, then calm your tits, and simply take the medicine KSI is dishing up.

    She's never short of advice, a kind word and a cup of tea (making sure to scald the teapot first, of course).Bring the coat anyway. If it's too hot you can take it off.Comedian Colm O'Regan explores the phenomenon of the Irish Mammy and what she might say about everything from the 'new mass' to the cardinal sin of not owning a cough bottle and the importance of airing clothes properly. The global influence of the Irish Mammy, through history, science, politics and literature, is undeniable. Did you know, for instance, that Hamlet had an Irish Mammy?So if you're an Irish Mammy, have one, know one or suspect you might be turning into one, this book will act as your guide. But be aware that though this book might think it knows it all, it doesn't, only Mammy knows it all.

    Every Friday night Ruckus and his roommate Fred sneak out of Shady Grove Home for the Mentally Insane for a ride in their orderly’s convertible. A trip to the used book store and the Dairy Queen is Ruckus’s one little routine among the chaos of pissing all over the lunch trays. There is nothing routine about Apple, another Shady Grove resident who wants to go joyriding with the boys. It quickly becomes obvious she has bigger plans than getting an ice cream cone— plans that could land them in jail or even worse. When their lives are threatened by three angry ex-cons and a crooked cop, it’s up to Ruckus to get his friends back to Shady Grove in one piece. But first, they all need to face reality and confront their tragic pasts. It doesn’t take long for Ruckus to realize that if Apple doesn’t drive him totally nuts, she just may be the one to help restore his sanity."Driving Me Nuts! will surely tickle your funny bone!" Five Stars and Reviewer Top Pick - Diana Coyle, Night Owl Reviews

    With an estimated word count of well over 700,000 words, the book is not an undertaking for the casual reader. The book can be a very tedious and boring read. This turns many people off from wanting to commit any time to understanding the foundational doctrine of Christianity. However, as atheists we really need to have at least a basic understanding of the Bible if we are going to make a judgment call about the religion. No matter which sect of Christianity someone subscribes to, the Bible is the foundation of Christian belief. This book is a mere 7,000 words to tell a slimmed down version of the basic story of the Bible. This book focused on the narrative rather than any underlying allegory or metaphor inherent in the narrative. The author attempts to challenge the notion of biblical literalism by showing that the story in its most basic form is simply too fantastic for any rational person to believe.

    Due to its amusing contents, the writings still could be made relevant to the current situation.

    And who is funnier?"- Edna O'BrienThe cream of Flann O'Brien's comic tour-de-force, the Keats and Chapman stories began in O'Brien's column in the Irish Times. He called them "studies in literary pathology" -- monstrously tall tales that explore the very limits of the shaggy dog story. As one critic wrote, they will accumulate the fantasy to the point of sadism, and then cash home with the flat, desolating pun."The Brother" is another of O'Brien's funniest creations. He is the archetypal Dublin man -- an authority on every one of mankind's ills, from the common cold to the court case. Forget the experts, The Brother knows best."The best comic writer I can think of."- S. J. Perelman

    These parlances might not fit the modern hoity toity rhetoric you're used to seeing in print or hearing on TV, and that's exactly why they're more refreshing than an ice cube in July. In Butter My Butt and Call Me a Biscuit, Author Allan Zullo offers up more than 200 vernacular verses presented in themes, such as:* Admitting You're Wrong--The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets the harder it is to swallow.* Congress--Gettin' a politician to do somethin' good for our country is like tryin' to poke a cat out from under the porch with a rope.* Ego--Some people are so full of themselves, you'd like to buy 'em for what they're worth and sell 'em for what they think they're worth.* Teenage Boys--You kinda wish they used their heads for somethin' besides hat racks.* Revenge--Two wrongs don't make a right, but they sure do make it even.* Surprises--Sometimes you get so surprised by life there ain't nothin' else to say but, 'Butter my butt and call me a biscuit.'"

    OTHERS ARE LESS COMPLIMENTARY. Buckle up for a comedic roller coaster ride, with bad wigs, waxing disasters, holiday scams, a deluded hitman, lust, arson and murder. Albert Trollop takes refuge at his allotment and the betting office, while his wife, Gretyl, lives for the shopping channels, car boot sales and local gossip. After fifty years of marriage, she’s thinking of a new life, somewhere hot. He’s thinking of the crematorium. She’s thinking of stuffing herself in a bikini. He's thinking of a taxidermist. The Londoners continue their separate lives until a mysterious letter turns their world upside down. In Essex, Dave and Sharon Soddall are struggling on benefits and looking for a get-rich-quick solution. With the help of a devious financial advisor, they concoct a plan and ‘Costa Soddall Travel’ is born. Will the Soddalls pull off the con of a lifetime? Can Gretyl be silenced? Will Albert end up missing Gretyl? "'Missing Gretyl' is a rare treat - a brilliantly written comedy novel that's genuinely funny." Mark Stibbe, best selling, award-winning writer. Missing Gretyl is also available as a Kindle eBook through Amazon.