From bloopers and blunders to Signs of the Times to Mixed Up Metaphors...from Two-Headed Headlines to Mangling Modifiers, Anguished English is a treasury of assaults upon our common language.

    Beginning with an introduction to array formulas, this manual examines topics such as how they differ from ordinary formulas, the benefits and drawbacks of their use, functions that can and cannot handle array calculations, and array constants and functions. Among the practical applications surveyed include how to extract data from tables and unique lists, how to get results that match any criteria, and how to utilize various methods for unique counts. This book contains 529 screen shots.

    Featuring authors and tomes of yesteryear and yesterday, from Tolkien's Middle- earth to Jeffrey Eugenides's Middlesex, you'll sections such as: You Don't Say?: Commonly-used words and phrases that were coined or popularized in classic words of fiction--sometimes with very different meanings. Gruesomely Ever After: The original endings of some of the world's most cherished fairy tales--"Snow White," "The Little Mermaid," "Cinderella," and more. Parental Guidance Suggested: Banned works of fiction and the controversy surrounding them. Lions and Tigers and Bears (Oh My!): The real-life stories and inspirations behind beloved "leading creatures." Time to Make the Doughnuts: Odd jobs of famous authors. Tell Me a Story: Dahl's short stories, Seuss's political cartoons; the lesser-known, and sometimes shocking, adult writings of beloved children's authors. The Long Con: Shocking (and sometimes shockingly long-lived) literary hoaxes: Frey, JT Leroy, The Education of Little Tree, The Day After Roswell, etc. Science Fiction, Science Fact: If alien monoliths are ever found on the moon, the safer bet is that they would be translucent crystal; Sir Arthur C. Clarke is celebrated for making accurate predictions of various technologies, years ahead of their time. A look at which of his predictions held true and the same feats of other authors. Yes, But is it Art?: The weirdest books ever written: books without verbs, without punctuation...or without the letter "e". Make this and all of the Blackboard Books(tm) a permanent fixture on your shelf, and you'll have instant access to a breadth of knowledge. Whether you need homework help or want to win that trivia game, this series is the trusted source for fun facts.

     Written by a paramedic and writer with a decade of experience, 10 BS Medical Tropes covers exactly that: clichéd and inaccurate tropes that not only ruin books, they have the potential to hurt real people in the real world. In this book, you’ll discover why these ten clichés make readers throw their books across the room and their remotes at their TVs, from the ever-present “gunshot to the shoulder” to the ubiquitous “knocking out the henchmen.” You’ll learn why they’re so incorrect, with easy-to-read medical explanations that may just spark your creativity. But more importantly, you’ll be inspired about what to write instead, to solve the same plot point challenges in more believable—and interesting—ways! Download 10 BS Medical Tropes that Need to Die… TODAY!

    Sure, sometimes being diminutive gets you the short end of the stick, but there are also plenty of unique advantages to being under 5’4”—and Murphy has compiled the 100 best reasons in the delightfully whimsical I’d Rather Be Short. Illustrated in a charming, quirky style, I’d Rather Be Short highlights the benefits of being petite, from the sensible to the absurd, including: ·        You get the best of both worlds: kids’ meals and cocktail parties·        You’re never expected to help your friends move·        Concertgoers usually won’t hassle you when you shimmy up to the front·        You’re less likely to get struck by lightning·        Skirts can be dresses; dresses can be skirts·        You’re just the way you should be Witty and heartwarming, I’d Rather Be Short is a celebration of self-acceptance—and an instant ego boost to pint-sized ladies everywhere.

     Sometimes society is wrong. Meet the best of the absolute worst-the perpetrators of the most wretched demonstrations of moral conduct ever:Super Snorer Terrible Baby Namer Hot Water User-Upper Express Checkout Cheater No-Umbrella Etiquette Lady Eight-Minute Voicemail Leaver Dude Who Takes Board Games Too SeriouslyPeople Who Deserve It exposes everyone and everything whose behavior, life choices, and sometimes odor leave humanity with only one painful option: a punch to the face.

     “Absolutely hilarious! One of the funniest books of the year.” The Guardian “Guaranteed to leave you in stitches.” The Boston Globe “I once stabbed a stripper in the car park of Paradise City Gentlemen’s Club. Her body is buried in a field at coordinates 38°51'40.1"N 78°51'41.2"W.” JM, senior citizen

    Based on his column in the acclaimed magazine "mental_floss," this collection of conversations is incredibly funny, but each interview is also based on serious research, so in addition to laughing, readers actually learn real history. "The Dead Guy Interviews" includes discussions with: Alexander the Great Beethoven Napol?on Bonaparte Buddha Julius Caesar Caligula George Washington Carver Catherine the Great Winston Churchill Cleopatra Confucius Crazy Horse Salvador Dal? Charles Darwin Emily Dickinson Albert Einstein Benjamin Franklin Sigmund Freud Genghis Khan Vincent van Gogh Henry VIII J. Edgar Hoover Harry Houdini Thomas Jefferson Joan of Arc Robert Johnson Frida Kahlo Leonardo da Vinci Abraham Lincoln Mao Tse-tung Karl Marx Michelangelo Montezuma Mozart Nostradamus Edgar Allan Poe William Shakespeare Sun Tzu Mae West Oscar Wilde

    BIZARRE STUFF, AMAZING FACTS, ASTONISHING MYSTERIES, NATURAL WONDERS, LITTLE-KNOWN PEOPLE, USEFUL TIPS AND MUCH, MUCH MOREFrom crime, movies and music to science, history and literature, this book offers an incredible array of intriguing top-10 lists, including:•Urban Legends—Debunked•Influential People Who Never Lived•Ancient Methods of Execution•Poisonous Foods We Love to Eat•Inventions of the Middle Ages•Gruesome Fairytale Origins•Secret Societies•Amazing Film Swordfights•Bizarre Animal Mating Rituals•Misconceptions About Evolution•Tips for Frugal Living•Fascinating Graveyards You Must See

    It's teeming with savages, thugs, angry toddlers, and disgruntled clowns. And every one of them is secretly mulling a scenario that ends with them kicking you square in the junk. What do you do if you want to take on The Batman and live to brag about it to your kids? What do you do if a rabid alligator picks a fight with your little sister? What do you do if the beloved star of "Forrest Gump" tells you to "shut the hell up" in front of a huge crowd?You read this book. It offers simple, effective instructions for beating up zombies, robots, co-workers—anything. The only limits are your imagination... and your habit of not following through on things, and possibly your uncoordinated, at times comically frail body.

    Full of the personality that David brings to every wedding he plans and every TV show or magazine article he appears in, Big White Book of Weddings is the book every bride needs to make her wedding unforgettable for all the right reasons!Includes sections such as:- Create engaging menus and creative cocktails in "Eat, Drink and Be Married!"- Be Perfectly Polished with "Etiquette for the Elegant"- Make your entertainment a hit without needing a rock-star budget in "Strike up the Band"- Go from "Ordinary to Extraordinary" with decor and floral tips from the pro

    But reading his comments is like having a chat with an old friend, with intervals of belly laughs."--The Richmond-Times DispatchLewis Grizzard is not the only one who had fun. Over the course of seventeen books and countless columns, this feisty son of the South established himself as one of the most entertaining raconteurs--and provocateurs--across the nation. Whether he's trying to make you laugh, make you mad, or make you misty, his mixture of opinionated humor and down-home philosophizing is impossible to resist. Now this definitive collection brings together the cream of Grizzard's comic crop."STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART."--The Indianapolis Star"VERY MOVING, VERY FUNNY."--Headland Observer"RECOMMENDED."--Library Journal

    It's a Chick Thing is a collection of forty spirited stories about the special and unique times that strengthen the bonds of women's friendships and create shared history. It takes a look at women's friendship at its wildest, adventurous best the antics, the escapades, the risk taking, the loyalty, the irrepressible humor and merriment.Read about Dolly Parton's escapades with her friends in high school, Fergie's and Diana's night on the town during Andrew's bachelor party, how Sharon Stone literally gave Mimi Craven the shirt off her back, and the time when Patsy Cline and Loretta Lynn faced down the Coal Miner's Daughter's detractors. Readers will delight in reading about Cirque du Chien, a group of partyloving chicks who dress up like French poodles and drink French champagne. Or La Bella Mafia, a girl gang dedicated to glorious divadom who right wrongs and overdress for every occasion. It's a Chick Thing also includes chick resources such as "Shoo Fly Be Gone," a list of verbal comebacks for getting rid of those pesky men who interrupt your girls' nights out and "Chick Stars," an astrological guide to finding your most compatible (and incompatible) friends. There are also handy chickcentric lists including "Chicks That Rock," "Chick Reads," "Chick Flicks," and "Chick Cliques."

    Or remember the time you were at a party and someone asked, "Who knows how to perform open-heart surgery?" and you were the only one who didn't raise your hand?Well, put all of that embarrassment behind you. Want to dazzle crowds with your wondrous knowledge of Shakespeare and surgeries? Want to learn to woo just like history's greatest minds? Well, start reading already! The Genius Instruction Manual is a foolproof finishing school for polishing your brain. All you've got to do is dive in.

    His clear explanations and down-to-earth style make exploring this operating system painless -- even fun! With complete coverage of all versions of DOS, as well as DOS under Windows 98, DOS For Dummies, 3rd Edition (the latest edition of this best-selling guide), offers frustrated DOS users more help than ever before. Inside, find helpful advice on how to Graps the facts and features of MS-DOS in Windows 98 Share data between DOS programs and Windows -- easily Find that lost file and retrieve your program if it crashes Handle error messages in DOS -- without panicking Work with all versions of DOS Discover more about modems and DOS utilities Understand complex terminology with clear explanations in a glossary of terms Run programs directly from the DOS prompt