The Onion has quickly become the world's most popular humor publication, misinforming half a million readers a week with one-of-a-kind social satire both in print (on newsstands nationwide) and online from its remote office in Madison, Wisconsin.Witness the march of history as Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers and The Onion's award-winning writing staff present the twentieth century like you've never seen it before.

    Chaos ensued as people sought to take advantage. Because there will always be nutters who want to change history...And so the Time Police were formed. Internationally sanctioned thugs whose task it was to keep the timeline straight by any and all means possible. And they succeeded. The Time Wars are over. The Time Police won. But who will win the peace?Doing Time follows three hapless new Time Police recruits - Jane, Luke and Matthew - as they try to navigate their first year on the beat. It's all going to be fine. Obviously.

    Written in dear memory of Sir Terry Pratchett and with all proceeds going to Alzheimer’s Research UK, these seventeen tales of magic (and the occasional automaton) will move you from giggles to tears and back again."This book is a fitting tribute to Terry Pratchett, a little man with a great big heart and an imagination that could not be constrained within the boundaries of our world. His work reached out to millions and will in the future reach out to millions more. Memory is everything and Terry will always be remembered." - Robert RankinTABLE OF CONTENTS:Thanks for the Memory Cards - Luke KempThe Heart of the Labyrinth - DK MokHow Fell the Towers Three - Peter KnightonMemoryarian - Scott A. ButlerThere's a Tattoo, But the Robes Hide It - Mike Reeves-McMillanThe Shells of Lethe - Laura MayAckerley's Genuine Earth Antiques - Michael K. SchaeferThe Chicken Gospel - Phil ElstobDoris - Sorin SuciuThe Wondrous Land of Nib - Lyn GodfreyStrangers - Robert McKelveyThe Tale of the Storyteller - Caroline FriedelBubble Trouble - Charlotte SlocombeThe Vividarium - Steven McKinnonThe Archive of Lost Memories - Anna MattaarIf Only I'd Known - Simon EvansThe Olivie Crowne Affair - Choong Jay Vee

    Like the radio series, but with added jokes, extra bits of story, additional dimensions to characters and masses more paper. Unless you're reading it as an e-book in which case... masses more digital information bits.Bleak Expectations recounts the remarkable adventures of young Pip Bin as he tries to repair his destroyed family and distinctly damaged life, aided by his best friend Harry Biscuit and definitely not aided by his cruel and ironically named guardian Mr Gently Benevolent and his accomplices, the fearsome Hardthrasher siblings.Weep! As Pip is sent to Britain's nastiest boarding school, St Bastard's.Gasp! As the true extent of his despicable guardian's plan becomes clear.Worry! As our hero is committed to the Workhouse, where he meets the hideous poverty-punishments of the treadmill, the grindstone and the painwheel.Sigh! As Pip finds love with London's most eligible frail beauty, Miss Flora Dies-Early.Find a tenterhook and sit on it!Grim circumstances, mistaken identities, unlikely inheritances, nightmarish court cases, ridiculous names, convenient coincidences to resolve plot problems, over-sentimental death scenes and lots and lots of adjectives: Bleak Expectations is the novel Charles Dickens might have written after drinking far too much gin.

    This is the first ever fully-illustrated version of the original Discworld novel.Rincewind the "Wizzard" lives in the city of fair Ankh-Morpork, a metropolis placed atop the Discworld, a flat earth being carried through space on the backs of four giant elephants, who in turn rest on the back of an even more gigantic celestial turtle, the Great A'Tuin. A failed mage, Rincewind only wants to have a peaceful and unexciting life. So it is extremely unfortunate for him when he runs into the Discworld's first tourist, Twoflower, come sightseeing to Ankh-Morpork from the fabled, and often believed to be mythical, Agatean Empire, accompanied by his homicidally sentient Luggage. As one of the few people able to communicate with Twoflower in a language the tourist understands, the extremely reluctant Rincewind finds himself forced to become Twoflower's guide by Ankh-Morpork's ruler, the Patrician, who fears the Agatean Emperor's wrath should something untoward befall a citizen of that empire within the bounds of crime-ridden Ankh-Morpork. Unfortunately for the city, Twoflower works in "inn sewers ants", and once he explains the concept of people agreeing to pay out if you make a bet with them that your business won't burn down, he inspires the first attempt at insurance fraud on the Disc.As a result, the unlikely companions are forced to flee the burning city, and venture into the wilds beyond. Out of the frying pan, and into the fire...

    Based on Stephen Clarke's own experiences and with names changed to "avoid embarrassment, possible legal action, and to prevent the author's legs being broken by someone in a Yves Saint Laurent suit," A Year in the Merde provides perfect entertainment for Francophiles and Francophobes alike.

    Oh, not the mere love spells used by country folk, but real sorcery capable of thwarting ambitions and destroying life. In Sorcery & Cecilia, a great deal is happening in London and the country this season. For starters, there's the witch who tried to poison Kate at the Royal College of Wizards. There's also the man who seems to be spying on Cecelia. (Though he's not doing a very good job of it--so just what are his intentions?) And then there's Oliver. Ever since he was turned into a tree, he hasn't bothered to tell anyone where he is. Clearly, magic is a deadly and dangerous business. And the girls might be in fear for their lives . . . if only they weren't having so much fun! Cecy and Kate are determined to discover who the stranger with the lethal chocolate is and how to put a stop to the malevolent flow of sorcery before anyone else can be harmed. But there are forces at work that are equally determined to put a stop to them...In The Grand Tour, Kate and Cecy and their new husbands, Thomas and James, are off on a Grand Tour. Their plans? To leisurely travel about the Continent, take in a few antiquities, and--of course--purchase fabulous Parisian wardrobes.But once they arrive in France, mysterious things start to happen. Cecy receives a package containing a lost coronation treasure, Thomas's valet is assaulted, and Kate loses a glove. Soon it becomes clear that they have stumbled upon a dastardly, magical plot to take over Europe. Now the four newlyweds must embark on a daring chase to thwart the evil conspiracy. And there's no telling the trouble they'll get into along the way. For when you mix Kate and Cecy and magic, you never know what's going to happen next!

    In this book, leading alientologist Justin Richards finally blows the lid off the biggest conspiracy to radically alter our world since The Scarlioni Incident.Not only is there proof that alien life exists. The aliens are already here. Based on exclusive access to classified UNIT and Torchwood files—shocking information that has been suppressed for centuries—The Secret Lives of Monsters reveals the terrifying truth behind the rumors and legends.Packed with iconic photographs, eyewitness accounts, diagrams and illustrations, and sixteen removable color prints, The Secret Lives of Monsters offers background details on a diverse range of alien species—including planetary and genetic origins, habits, social organization, and first human contact. If you want to know why the Sontaran’s probic vent is his weak point or what it is used for; how Daleks reproduce; or how to determine whether your best friend is a Zygon, the answers—as well as everything you need to know to survive future invasions—are here in The Secret Lives of Monsters.

    Now, in The Turtle Moves!, Lawrence Watt-Evans presents a story-by-story history of Discworld’s evolution as well as essays on Pratchett’s place in literary canon, the nature of the Disc itself, and the causes and results of the Discworld phenomenon, all refreshingly free of literary jargon littered with informative footnotes.Part breezy reference guide, part droll commentary, The Turtle Moves! will enlighten and entertain every Pratchett reader, from the casual browser to the most devout of Discworld’s fans.

    Well, now it's 2011 and Danny is back - and he's even more confused than ever! A lot has happened to Danny Wallace in the past year. He has had a baby and has been hobnobbing with the powers that be in Hollywood. But that hasn't made him any less awkward. Being more of a grown up brings its own baffling etiquette and expected social graces, and no-one has told Danny. Join Danny once again on his very funny stumble through more Awkward Situations. It's not easy being a man!

    Milk and Vine is truly a delight for the sensations, bringing back the riveting quotes we all laughed at together as a united internet community. From Ms. Kiesha to diesel jeans, this book encapsulates the most entertaining, nostalgic vines that are sure to have you laughing again. Keep the fire of authentic comedy ablaze in your home, and purchase a copy of Milk and Vine today.

    No, not since Treasure Island... Actually, not since Jonah and the Whale has there been a sea saga to rival The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists, featuring the greatest sea-faring hero of all time, the immortal Pirate Captain, who, although he lives for months at a time at sea, somehow manages to keep his beard silky and in good condition. Worried that his pirates are growing bored with a life of winking at pretty native ladies and trying to stick enough jellyfish together to make a bouncy castle, the Pirate Captain decides it's high time to spearhead an adventure. While searching for some major pirate booty, he mistakenly attacks the young Charles Darwin's Beagle and then leads his ragtag crew from the exotic Galapagos Islands to the fog-filled streets of Victorian London. There they encounter grisly murder, vanishing ladies, radioactive elephants, and the Holy Ghost himself. And that's not even the half of it.

    It is the moment when the universe suffers a crisis of conscience. Should it expand or make a great big bang? It decides to wind the clock back a decade to 1991, making everyone in the world endure ten years of deja-vu and a total loss of free will - not to mention the torture of reliving every nanosecond of one of the tawdiest and most hollow decades. With his trademark wicked wit, Vonnegut addresses memory, suicide, the Great Depression, the loss of American eloquence, and the obsolescent thrill of reading books.

    Robots have descended on us from outer space, escaped from top-secret laboratories, and even traveled back in time to destroy us.Today, scientists are working hard to bring these artificial creations to life. In Japan, fuzzy little real robots are delivering much appreciated hug therapy to the elderly. Children are frolicking with smiling robot toys.It all seems so innocuous. And yet how could so many Hollywood scripts be wrong?So take no chances. Arm yourself with expert knowledge. For the sake of humanity, listen to serious advice from real robotics experts. How else will you survive the inevitable future in which robots rebel against their human masters?

    His whole life was a party, adrenalin charged and cocaine fuelled. If he hadn't met Monica he would probably have ended up either dead or in rehab.But Jimmy was as lucky in love as he was at betting on dodgy derivatives, so instead of burning out, his star just burned brighter than ever. Rich, pampered and successful, Jimmy, Monica and their friends lived the dream, bringing up their children with an army of domestic helps.But then it all came crashing down. And when the global financial crisis hit, Jimmy discovers that anyone can handle success. It's how you handle failure that really matters.