if it would just cut to the chase. Stripped of its arcane language and its interminable passages of poetry, genealogy, and law, every book of the Bible is condensed down to its core message, in no more than a few pages each. Written by Mark Russell with cartoons by New Yorker cartoonist Shannon Wheeler, God Is Disappointed in You is a frequently hilarious, often shocking, but always accurate retelling of the Bible, including the parts selectively left out by Sunday School teachers and church sermons. Irreverent yet faithful, this book is a must-read for anyone who wants to see past the fog of religious agendas and cultural debates to discover what the Bible really says.

    But long before the world took notice, Chip was a serial entrepreneur who was always ready for the next challenge, even if it didn’t quite work out as planned. Whether it was buying a neighborhood laundromat or talking a bank into a loan for some equipment to start a lawn-mowing service, Chip always knew that the most important thing was to take that first step.In Capital Gaines, we walk alongside him as he relives some of his craziest antics and the lessons learned along the way. His mentors taught him to never give up and his family showed him what it meant to always have a positive attitude despite your circumstances. Throw in a natural daredevil personality and a willingness to do (or eat!) just about anything, and you have the life and daily activity of Chip Gaines.Capital Gaines is the perfect book for anyone looking to succeed not only in business but more importantly in life.

    It’s probably socially irresponsible even to attempt to cheer up.But if you’re determined to give it a go, you might enjoy this eclectic collection (or eclection) of David Mitchell’s attempts to make light of all that darkness. Scampi, politics, the Olympics, terrorism, exercise, rude street names, inheritance tax, salad cream, proportional representation and farts are all touched upon by Mitchell’s unremitting laser of chit-chat, as he negotiates a path between the commercialisation of Christmas and the true spirit of Halloween. Read this book and slightly change your life!

    It was just that she was a Siamese. Animal lovers Doreen Tovey and her husband Charles acquire their first Siamese kitten to rid themselves of an invasion of mice, although they worry about the cat attacking the birds. But Sugieh is not just any cat. She's an iron hand in a delicate, blue-pointed glove; an actress, a prima donna, an empress of cats, and she quickly establishes herself as queen of the house. Finding themselves thus enslaved, Doreen and Charles try to minimise the chaos she causes daily: screaming like a banshee, chewing up telegrams, and tearing holes in anything made of wool. But there is worse to come, as soon Sugieh decides she is ready to become the Perfect Mother. She and her adorable kittens devote themselves to tightening their grip on the Tovey household.

    With saucy detail on every page, this no-nonsense guide reveals why a strong woman is much more desirable than a "yes woman" who routinely sacrifices herself. The author provides compelling answers to the tough questions women often ask: · Why are men so romantic in the beginning and why do they change? · Why do men take nice girls for granted? · Why does a man respect a woman when she stands up for herself? Full of advice, hilarious real-life relationship scenarios, "she says/he thinks" tables, and the author's unique "Attraction Principles," Why Men Love Bitches gives you bottom-line answers. It helps you know who you are, stand your ground, and relate to men on a whole new level. Once you've discovered the feisty attitude men find so magnetic, you'll not only increase the romantic chemistry—you'll gain your man's love and respect with far less effort.

    You will be born in New Mexico. You will get your big break at an acting camp. You will get into a bizarre confrontation outside a nightclub with actor Scott Caan. Even better, at each critical juncture of your life, you will choose how to proceed. You will decide whether to try out for Doogie Howser, M.D. You will decide whether to spend years struggling with your sexuality. You will decide what kind of caviar you want to eat on board Elton John’s yacht. Choose correctly and you’ll find fame, fortune, and true love. Choose incorrectly and you’ll find misery, heartbreak, and a hideous death by piranhas. All this, plus magic tricks, cocktail recipes, embarrassing pictures from your time as a child actor, and even a closing song. Yes, if you buy one book this year, congratulations on being above the American average, but make that book Neil Patrick Harris: Choose Your Own Autobiography!

    With 60% of the book featuring entirely new material never before available on the website, Emails from an Asshole offers fans a fresh opportunity to revel in people's gullibility. Posing as a customer or seller, Lindsay responded to a variety of classified ads, making ridiculous offers to unsuspecting victims. Their responses, and the ensuing conversations, will have readers simultaneously laughing non-stop and gasping with disbelief.

    In this new, no-holds-barred account of life on the ridiculous side, Chelsea mines the wealth of material that is her family, her sex life, her career, and her distinctively outrageous worldview. Here is young Chelsea discovering "The Feeling" during a third-grade sleepover and getting shafted by clueless parents over Cabbage Patch dolls...and grown-up Chelsea at the mercy of the remote control, Lean Pockets, and Sex and the City --but still managing to convince her boyfriend that there are Swiss Army knives in the soles of her $16,000 shoes. Through it all, Chelsea never lets anyone off the hook, even herself, as she delivers page after page of irreverent humor, biting wit, and deliciously off-kilter entertainment.

    On the winter day that the ailing, tick-infested feral pup was rescued by Steve Duno, neither dog nor man had a clue as to what they were getting into, or where the relationship would lead.Last Dog on the Hill tells the story of an indigent young Rottweiler mix who, after abandoning his pack and the hills of his birth, went on to change the lives of hundreds of people and dogs, including the author's, whose career as a behaviorist and writer was made possible through Lou's extraordinary intelligence and heart. Lou won the respect of gang members, foiled an armed robbery, caught a rapist, fought coyotes and kidnappers, comforted elderly war veterans and Alzheimer patients in their final days, taught ASL to kids, learned scores of unique behaviors and tricks, amassed a vocabulary of nearly 200 words, helped rehabilitate hundreds of aggressive dogs and saved them from euthanasia. He was also a clown, consummate performer and Steve's best friend for sixteen years. His story will make readers laugh and cry in equal measures.

    From Senator Al Franken - #1 bestselling author and beloved SNL alum - comes the story of an award-winning comedian who decided to run for office and then discovered why award-winning comedians tend not to do that.This is a book about an unlikely campaign that had an even more improbable ending: the closest outcome in history and an unprecedented eight-month recount saga, which is pretty funny in retrospect.It's a book about what happens when the nation's foremost progressive satirist gets a chance to serve in the United States Senate and, defying the low expectations of the pundit class, actually turns out to be good at it.It's a book about our deeply polarized, frequently depressing, occasionally inspiring political culture, written from inside the belly of the beast.In this candid personal memoir, the honorable gentleman from Minnesota takes his army of loyal fans along with him from Saturday Night Live to the campaign trail, inside the halls of Congress, and behind the scenes of some of the most dramatic and/or hilarious moments of his new career in politics.Has Al Franken become a true Giant of the Senate? Franken asks readers to decide for themselves.

    The heartwarming, true story of an excessively mischievous dog that had been shuffled from owner to owner since no one could control his crazy behavior. He was on his way to meet his fate at the local shelter when a mere coincidence connected him with his current owners. While he no longer had to switch homes, the hilarious acts he committed, from ingesting bottle caps to barging into a stranger's house, caused his current owners to almost reconsider their decision. Buddy was a dog that no one wanted, yet he became one of the quirkiest, friendliest, smartest and most cherished of dogs. The reader is not only drawn into the book, but learns from the unfortunate mistakes of others and how to think outside of the proverbial box. It gives the reader hope that if they are going through a similar ordeal, they can also successfully overcome any related obstacle.If you are looking for a great gift for both dog lovers and even non-dog lovers, this book is perfect. *A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this book will be donated to an animal rescue group.

    Find out how being conceived in an air-raid gave her curly hair; what pranks led to her being known as the naughtiest girl Oxford High School ever had; how she ended up posing nude for Augustus John as a teenager; why Bob Monkhouse was the best (male) kiss she's ever had; and what happened next after Warren Beatty asked 'Do you fuck?'From declaring her love to Vanessa Redgrave to being told to be quiet by the Queen, this book is packed with hilarious stories. With a cast list stretching from Scorsese to Streisand, a cross-dressing Leonardo di Caprio to Isaiah Berlin, This Much Is True is as full of life and surprises, as its inimitable author.

    Shirtless guys and puppy dog eyes take over with this collection of Hot Guys and Baby Animals by Audrey Khuner and Carolyn Newman.Hot Guys and Baby Animals features photos of gorgeous guys and their fuzzy friends, along with tongue-in-cheek captions detailing the likes and dislikes of each guy and baby animal. Let the "ohs" and "ahs" begin as male models play with puppies, snuggle kittens, nuzzle lambs, and even coo at a few chicks (baby chickens, that is). Perhaps the Sundance Channel says it best in its review of the California calendar that started it all: "Hot guys + baby animals = genius."

    But when she came upon Bea, a scrawny beagle abandoned by the roadside, she couldn't turn away. Bea became part of her family, and changed it forever.Disheveled, malnourished, and terrified of human contact, Bea seemed damaged beyond repair. But, gradually, she began to trust von Kreisler. After resisting her touch again and again, the dog one day leaned in and nuzzled her neck. From that moment, Bea began to give love as well as receive it. With the typically unforgettable personality of a beagle, over the next decade and a half she taught von Kreisler the value of living utterly in the present, of meeting each day with a good bark, and of moving forward in life without being dragged down by past grief.Written with rare eloquence and down-to-earth wit, this memoir of Bea and von Kreisler's fifteen-year love story will charm "beaglers" and touch the heart of anyone who has ever loved a dog.

    Chronicling the last few raucous years in American politics, Lithgow takes readers verse by verse through the history of Donald Trump's presidency.- Lampoons the likes of Betsy DeVos, William Barr, Rudy Giuliani, and dozens more.- Illustrated from cover to cover with Lithgow's never-before-seen line drawings.- Draws inspiration from A. A. Milne, Lewis Carroll, Edward Lear, and even Mother Goose.- Great for fans of A Very Stable Genius by Mike Luckovich, Win Bigly: Persuasion in a World Where Facts Don't Matter by Scott Adams, and The Donald J. Trump Presidential Twitter Library by The Daily Show with Trevor Noah.The poems collected in Dumpty draw inspiration from A. A. Milne, Lewis Carroll, Edward Lear, Rodgers and Hammerstein, Mother Goose, and many more. A feat of laugh-out-loud lyrical storytelling, this timely volume is bound to bring joy to poetry lovers, political junkies, and Lithgow fans alike.