Everyone knows that if Scarlett O’Hara had an unlimited text-and-data plan, she’d constantly try to tempt Ashley away from Melanie with suggestive messages. If Mr. Rochester could text Jane Eyre, his ardent missives would obviously be in all-caps. And Daisy Buchanan would not only text while driving, she’d text you to pick her up after she totaled her car. Based on the popular web-feature, Texts from Jane Eyre is a witty, irreverent mashup that brings the characters from your favorite books into the twenty-first century.

    H. Dalton,” a professor of racialist studies and a leading authority on inferior people of all ethnicities, genders, religions, and sexual preferences. In the grand tradition of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion and Birth of a Nation, he is on a mission to clarify the truth about self-supremacy, drawing on eminent scholarship to enlighten a new generation of hate-mongers. Presenting evidence that everyone should be hated (even white people), A Practical Guide to Racism contains sparkling bits of wisdom on such subjects as: • The good life enjoyed by blacks, who shuffle through life unhindered by the white man’s burdens, such as reverse racism and white slavery, to become accomplished athletes, rhymesmiths, and dominoes champions. • The sad story of the industrious, intelligent Jews, whose entire reputation is sullied by their unfortunate taste for the blood of Christian babies. • A close look at the bizarre, sweet-smelling race known as “women,” who are not good at anything— especially ruling the free world. • A crucial manual to Arabs, a people so sensitive they are liable to blow up at any time. • A country-by-country breakdown of the “Yellow Peril,” with pointers for telling apart a race of people who all look the same. Also included is a comprehensive glossary of timeless epithets, with hundreds of pejorative words for everyone from Phoenicians to Jews. A Practical Guide to Racism is sure to spark honest, instructive discourse.

    Yet most of us utter that sound every day. And have used it all our lives...Uh-oh is way up near the top of a list of small syllables with large meanings...Uh-oh...is a frame of mind. A philosophy. It says to expect the unexpected., and also expect to be able to deal with it as it happens most of the time. Uh-oh people seem not only to expect surprise, but they count on it, as if surprise were a dimension of vitality."These words from the opening of Uh-oh describe a special vitality that, in fact, infuses the writings of Robert Fulghum with the incomparable joie de vivre and sense of wonder that have made his books, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten and It Was on Fire When I Lay Down on It, modern classic, translated into twenty-five languages.In this third volume, Fulghum explores a variety of subjects from both sides of the refrigerator door—from meatloaf to the Salvation Army Band, from fireflies to funerals, from hiccups to a watch without hands. One again, Fulghum celebrates everyday life in all its richness, subtly weaving a theme of balance throughout, balance between the mundane and the holy, between humor and grief, and between what is and what might be.

    Now for the first time, li'l ol' me shines front-and-center in a book of my very own! A Book of Jean's Own! features all-original, never-before-published material, and if that wasn't impressive enough, marks the very first Onion book by a solo writer! Historical, huh? My book is sure to find an eager audience among The Onion's ten-million-strong readership. Wait, ten million people? I had no idea! Frankly, that scares me a little. We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto! (Oh shoot, I should have put that hilarious phrase in my book!)A Book of Jean's Own! also marks a departure from past Onion books in that it isn't crammed with headlines and articles in teeny-weeny print! Instead, I write about the stuff that really matters: shopping, chocolate, part-time jobs, and hot Hollywood hunks! Whether you read my book on the bus, the beach, or the toilet, you're guaranteed to find something to chuckle at and deeply relate to!Among the many nuggets of fun:* I tell you the Twenty Things That Are Better Than Sex! * For the first time ever, you learn my maiden name!* I spill the secrets of my scrumptious chocolate-loaded desserts, such as Ooey Gooey Choco-Cocoa-Mocha Cupcakes With Raspberry Filling And Coconut-Cream Cheese-Cola Frosting!* Acquire valuable, real-world tips on coping with a job you dislike, getting through those rough teenage years, and styling a Jean hairdo of your very own!* Get a giggle out of my doodles and overdose on the words of wisdom that are my Jean Proverbs!* You've heard of pity parties—get my tips for throwing your very own self-pity party!* Check out my own cure for the blues, the Plush Jamboree!* Witness my nervous breakdown while writing this book (well, writing is hard, after all!)* Also for the first time ever, Hubby Rick speaks! (Spoiler: It's not entirely in grunts!) * Lots of exclamation points! (And phrases in parentheses!)I'm sure every single one of those ten million readers will buy my book! And who knows? They just may find something in it that will help them lead happier and better lives!

    Grown-Up! Sluggards, Ahoy! Sweet Solitude Penguin Feud Coffee Versus Gin The Early Worm Truffle Poisoning My Untold Story

    . . or it might have been last night, when you watched three episodes in a row. But either way, fifteen years after the show first aired, it's more popular than ever, and fans have only one problem--what to watch, or read, next.Fortunately, Rolling Stone writer Andy Greene has that answer. In his brand-new oral history, The Office: The Untold Story of the Greatest Sitcom of the 2000s, Greene will take readers behind the scenes of their favorite moments and characters. Greene gives us the true inside story behind the entire show, from its origins on the BBC through its impressive nine-season run in America, with in-depth research and exclusive interviews. Fans will get the inside scoop on key episodes from "The Dundies" to "Threat Level Midnight" and "Goodbye, Michael," including behind-the-scenes details like the battle to keep it on the air when NBC wanted to pull the plug after just six episodes and the failed attempt to bring in James Gandolfini as the new boss after Steve Carell left, spotlighting the incredible, genre-redefining show created by the family-like team, who together took a quirky British import with dicey prospects and turned it into a primetime giant with true historical and cultural significance.Hilarious, heartwarming, and revelatory, The Office gives fans and pop culture buffs a front-row seat to the phenomenal sequence of events that launched The Office into wild popularity, changing the face of television and how we all see our office lives for decades to come.

    (To date, it has won no fewer than 31 Emmys.) Seriously... I'm Kidding, Degeneres' first book in eight years, brings us up to date about the life of a kindhearted woman who bowed out of American Idol because she didn't want to be mean. Lively; hilarious; often sweetly poignant.

    Paul Kalanithi. As he nears the end of his 7-year residency he gets the report no one wants, cancer. Now his forty-year plan is scrapped. The hopes and dreams he and Lucy, his wife, have held to are dramatically altered. In this book you will find the story of a man that seeks out truth and meaning in a very detailed way. From his undergraduate literary pursuits to his combined goal of neuroscience and surgery Dr. Kalanithi desires to connect meaning to every aspect of human life. As cancer becomes his story the reader will see the emotional decisions made about starting a family and continuing his beloved career. Dr. Kalanithi begins to see how his care for his patients would be altered as he experiences the treatments himself. Through every emotion Paul and Lucy share the love for each other and life. Inside this SUMMARY READS Summary & Highlights of When Breath Becomes Air: Summary of Each Chapter Highlights (Best Quotes) BONUS: Critics Corner BONUS: Free Report about The Tidiest and Messiest Places on Earth - http: //sixfigureteen.com/messy.

    Estes Kefauver High School in Dacron, Ohio!  They’re all back in glorious black and white with color Magic Marker–Chuck U. Farley, Maria Teresa Spermatozoa, Purdy “Psycho” Lee Spackle, Faun Laurel Rosenberg, and, of course, Dacron’s most famous son, Larry Kroger.  Learn everything there is to know about Kroger’s past before he became the pop-culture legend Pinto (Tom Hulce), the virgin fraternity pledge in National Lampoon’s Animal House. With a hilarious “Where are they now?” addendum and a brilliantly funny new introduction by P. J. O’Rourke, the 39th Reunion Edition is sure to be the talk of the baby boomers who grew up with National Lampoon and of the new generation of comedy fans spawned by the success of The Onion.

    "Bailey White's sketches evoke a sort of real-life Lake Wobegon."--The New York Times.

    Afraid of looking like an idiot? Alexandra Petri lost Jeopardy! by answering “Who is that dude?” on national TV. Afraid of bad jokes? Alexandra Petri won an international pun championship.Petri has been a debutante, reenacted the Civil War, and fended off suitors at a Star Wars convention while wearing a Jabba the Hutt suit. One time, she let some cult members she met on the street baptize her, just to be polite. She’s a connoisseur of the kind of awkwardness that most people spend whole lifetimes trying to avoid. If John Hodgman and Amy Sedaris had a baby…they would never let Petri babysit it.But Petri is here to tell you: Everything you fear is not so bad. Trust her. She’s tried it. And in the course of her misadventures, she’s learned that there are worse things out there than awkwardness—and that interesting things start to happen when you stop caring what people think.

    Now the seven books of nonfiction that appeared between 1968 and 2003 have been brought together into one thrilling collection.Slouching Towards Bethlehem captures the counterculture of the sixties, its mood and lifestyle, as symbolized by California, Joan Baez, Haight-Ashbury. The White Album covers the revolutionary politics and the “contemporary wasteland” of the late sixties and early seventies, in pieces on the Manson family, the Black Panthers, and Hollywood. Salvador is a riveting look at the social and political landscape of civil war. Miami exposes the secret role this largely Latin city played in the Cold War, from the Bay of Pigs through Watergate. In After Henry Didion reports on the Reagans, Patty Hearst, and the Central Park jogger case. The eight essays in Political Fictions–on censorship in the media, Gingrich, Clinton, Starr, and “compassionate conservatism,” among others–show us how we got to the political scene of today. And in Where I Was From Didion shows that California was never the land of the golden dream.

    Christmas Exposed features more than one hundred shocking tales of Secret Santas, shopping mall mayhem, dysfunctional family dinners, and much, much more.

    . . and then screwing it all up.   Sarah believes we all struggle to grow up. Sometimes we want to have fun, not take things too seriously, and have that fourth margarita. Other times we would like to get married, stay in, order Chinese food, and have a responsible, secure life.   From her formative years in small-town Arkansas to a later career of dates, drinks, and questionable day jobs, Colonna attempts to reconcile her responsible side with her fun-loving side. Sometimes this pans out, and sometimes she finds herself in Mexico handing out her phone number to anyone who calls her pretty. She moves to Los Angeles to pursue acting, but for years is forced to hone her bartending skills; she wants a serious boyfriend, but won’t give up nights at the bar with her friends. She tries to behave like an adult, but can’t seem to stop acting like a frat boy. In the end, she discovers that there doesn’t have to be just one or the other. And if there’s one thing Colonna has learned from her many missteps, it’s that hindsight is always 100 proof.Includes a Foreword by Chelsea Handler

    Both Nick and his character, Ron Swanson, are known for their humor and patriotism in equal measure.After the great success of his autobiography, Paddle Your Own Canoe, Offerman now focuses on the lives of those who inspired him. From George Washington to Willie Nelson, he describes twenty-one heroic figures and why they inspire in him such great meaning. He combines both serious history with light-hearted humor—comparing, say, Benjamin Franklin’s abstinence from daytime drinking to his own sage refusal to join his construction crew in getting plastered on the way to work. The subject matter also allows Offerman to expound upon his favorite topics, which readers love to hear—areas such as religion, politics, woodworking and handcrafting, agriculture, creativity, philosophy, fashion, and, of course, meat.