He tells us why Junior Leaguers don't do it in groups, why Baptists won't do it standing up, and why Richard Nixon never did it, among other things. From the Paperback edition.

    The hilarity of TheOatmeal.com is now presented in book form with 35 never-before-seen pieces and 25 classic favorites from the Web site, including 6 Types of Crappy Hugs and 17 Things Worth Knowing about Your Cat.In Matthew Inman's New York Times best selling 5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth (And Other Useful Guides), samurai sword-wielding kittens and hamsters that love .50-caliber machine guns commingle with a cracked out Tyrannosaur that is extremely hard to potty train. Bacon is better than true love and you may awake in the middle of the night to find your nephew nibbling on your toes.Inman creates these quirky scenes for theoatmeal.com, which launched in July 2009 and already has more than 82 million page views. In fact, every 15 to 30 seconds, someone Googles one of theoatmeal.com's creations. Now, 60 of Inman's comic illustrations and life-bending guides are presented in full-color inside 5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth (And Other Useful Guides). Consider such handy advice as: 4 Reasons to Carry a Shovel at All Times, 6 Types of Crappy Hugs, 8 Ways to Tell if Your Loved One Plans to Eat You, 17 Things Worth Knowing About Your Cat, and 20 Things Worth Knowing About Beer.

    In spades.We ask that when you pore over this glorious work you spare some thought for the humble cartographers and surveyors who made journeys into the darker corners of our metropolis - no less dangerous than the wilds of Skund or Bhangbhangduc. To some the only memorial is the map you now possess. Others, in their quest for knowledge, paid the highest price that scholarship demands, which is to say, a day off in lieu.And so we dedicate this map and these accompanying words to the officers, councilors and members of the Merchants' Guild and to all who will find in its pages paths yet to tread and places yet to explore within the magnificentbwonder that is the city of Ankh-Morpork.

    For more than 33 million viewers, the Emmy Award-winning television show has become a Thursday night ritual. Even though the show has ended, Jerry Seinfeld's distinct brand of humor can still be yours.In his #1 New York Times bestselling book, SeinLanguage, Jerry Seinfeld has captured on the page his views on topics ranging from Raisinettes to relationships, from childhood to cop shows, and from parents to power suits. This must-have book for all fans--and who isn't a fan?--remains available in both paperback and hardcover.

    In the tradition of Jonathan Tropper and Tom Perrotta comes Matthew Norman's Domestic Violets—a darkly comic family drama about one man’s improbable trials of love, loss, and ambition; of attraction, impotence, and infidelity; and of mid-life malaise, poorly-planned revenge, and the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.

    From paying taxes and getting up for work to dancing with kittens and starting a band, readers everywhere will relate to the ongoing struggle between Heart and Brain.Heart and Brain: An Awkward Yeti Collection illustrates the relationship between the sensible Brain and its emotionally driven counterpart, the Heart.Boasting more than one million pageviews per month, TheAwkwardYeti.com has become a webcomic staple since its creation in 2012.

    She opened her laptop, pulled out some bread and cheese, and then, as one does, started drinking. The video was called "Butter Yo Sh*t" and online sensation My Drunk Kitchen was born.My Drunk Kitchen (the book!) includes recipes, stories, color photographs, and tips and tricks to inspire your own adventures in tipsy cooking. Hannah offers cocktail recommendations, culinary advice (like, remember to turn off the oven when you go to bed), and shares never-before-seen recipes such as:The Hartwich (Knowledge is ingenuity! Learn from the past!) Can Bake (Inventing things is hard! You don't have to start from scratch!) Latke Shotkes (Plan ahead to avoid a night of dread!) Tiny Sandwiches (Size doesn't matter! Aim to satisfy.) Saltine Nachos (It's not about resources! It's about being resourceful.)In the end, My Drunk Kitchen may not be your go-to guide for your next dinner party . . . but it will make you laugh and drink . . . I mean think . . . about life.

    

    In it you'll find essays on such topics as: - Menopause Spurs Thoughts of Death and Turkey- I Dreamed a Dream That My Lashes Were Long- Twitter Woes: I've Got Plenty of Characters, Just No Character- Movie To-Do List: Cook Like Julia, Adopt Really Big Kid - Charlie Bit Your Finger? Good! - And other thoughts on the virus that is YouTube- And much more!And much more! For any woman who longs for the good old days when Jane Fonda in legwarmers was the only one who saw you exercise, YOU DON'T SWEAT MUCH FOR A FAT GIRL is comfort food in book form.

    The subject of the book will greatly appeal to grown-ups.

    Contrary to what you see on TV and in the movies, most urbanites aren't party-hopping in slinky dresses and strappy stilettos. But lucky for us, Lancaster knows how to make the life of the lower crust mercilessly funny and infinitely entertaining. Whether she's reporting rude neighbors to Homeland Security, harboring a crush on her grocery store clerk, or fighting-and losing-the Battle of the Stairmaster- Lancaster explores how silly, strange, and not-so-fabulous real city living can be. And if anyone doesn't like it, they can kiss her big, fat, pink, puffy down parka.

    They understand the agony of social awkwardness, the power of the perfect smoky eye, and the arm-(or wing)-flapping terror of having a bee in the car. In fact, these winged characters get into the same sticky situations we all do. They are Penguins with People Problems. So meet your favorite new flightless friends. They're brutally honest (except when they're lying), comically insecure, and totally relatable.

      With bright, quirky, and colorful line drawings, Jacobson brings to life actual and imagined items found in the pockets and purses, bags and glove compartments of real and fantastical people—whether it’s the contents of Oprah’s favorite purse or Harry Potter’s duffel bag, Amelia Earhart’s pencil case or Bernie Madoff’s suitcase.   How many self-tanning lotions are in Donald Trump’s weekender? What’s inside Martha Stewart’s hand-knit fanny pack? What kind of protein bars does Michelle Obama hide in her tiny clutch at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner? Carry This Book provides a humorous and insightful look into how the things we carry around every day can make up who we are.

    You will probably wish you still didn’t.YouTube sensation Stuart Ashen is back with his second instalment of terrible old computer games you’ve probably never heard of... because what the world needs right now is to know exactly how bad Domain of the Undead for the Atari 8-bit computers was.Attack of the Flickering Skeletons is even bigger than the original Terrible Old Games You’ve Probably Never Heard Of – this second excavation of gaming’s buried past will not only unearth more appalling excuses for digital entertainment, but also feature guest contributors and several special interest chapters not based around single specific games.These are NOT the games you’ve heard of a million times in YouTube videos. This is a compilation of truly obscure and dreadful games. Dripping with wry humour and featuring the best, worst graphics from the games themselves, this book encapsulates the atrocities produced in the days of tight budgets and low quality controls.These are even more appalling games that leaked from the industry’s tear ducts, taken down from the dusty shelves of history by the man who has somehow made a living by sticking rubbish on a sofa and talking about it.

    Or maybe there’s just something wrong with her. Here, she examines the basic human condition of rudeness—other people’s rudeness, that is—in her latest uproariously funny collection. In her trademark irreverent style, she uses her biting wit to cover other people’s bad behavior ranging from bathroom etiquette (interpreting a coworker’s failure to wash her hands after leaving the bathroom as a personal affront) to dinner party conundrums (did he really just pick food off of my plate?). Laurie recounts in detail such unfortunate situations as discovering that she wasn't on the viewable Facebook invite list for a good friend’s party, or standing behind a woman in the pharmacy line who says to the clerk, “Hi. I was wondering if you could tell me what a staph infection looks like?” and proceeds to embark on a fifteen-minute conversation that includes sentences like, “Infection can burrow.”So if you’ve ever found yourself wondering if the person seated next to you on the plane is being earnest when he tells the stewardess he will handle the emergency door in the event of a crash landing or spotted a chunk of something that could be chocolate under your keyboard and desperately wanted to eat it, then this collection of sometimes bizarre and always entertaining observations is for you.