Here's a collection of the most profound and provocative wit and wisdom in the English language in two lines or less. Edited by entrepreneur John M. Shanahan, who created the wildly successful Hooked on Phonics program, this wonderful book presents the best that has been thought and said on every imaginable topic.Classified by such themes as "Truth, Lies, and Deception," "Men, Women, and Relationships," and "Passions, Virtues, and Vices," these quotes contain timeless messages for all humankind. Oscar Wilde: "A man who marries his mistress leaves a vacancy in that position." Charles de Gaulle: "The cemetery is filled with indispensable men." Abraham Lincoln: "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." Sophocles: "Men of ill judgment oft ignore the good that lies within their hands, till they have lost it."Perfect for anyone who has ever been left speechless, this book will make you as glib as Oscar Wilde, as profound as Winston Churchill, and as wise as Aesop. Inspirational, entertaining, and thought-provoking, this is one collection that no library or bookshelf should be without.

    But whether your journey lasts five seconds or five days or (rather inconceivably) five years, all those who bravely take up this text and follow the tenets and trials laid out within will die knowing they were as ninja as they possibly could’ve been.For the true of heart or the extremely lucky, this powerful and honorable manuscript contains such phenomenal ninja wisdom as:•How to create and name your very own lethal ninja clan•The proper weapon to use when fighting a vampire pumpkin•Why clowns and robots are so dangerous on the Internet•Easy-to-follow charts showing when to slice and when to stab•How to execute such ultradeadly kicks as the Driving Miss Daisy•Why pretty much every ninja movie ever made sucks•How to make a shoggoth explode using well-placed foliage•What the heck a shoggoth is and why you’ll need to make it explode•Death Aide certification•And much more ninjafied enlightenment on every shuriken-sharp page!Remember: People do not take the Path, the Path takes people.

    It includes selected wireless essays of Donald Trefusis, the ageing professor of philology brought to life in Fry's novel The Liar, and the best of Fry's weekly column for the Daily Telegraph.Perfect to dip into but just as enjoyable to read cover to cover, this book, perhaps more than any other, shows the breadth of Fry's interests and the depth of his insight. He remains a hilarious writer on whatever topic he puts his mind to.

    Her previous works are now available stateside in one volume, complete with a new preface. With One Lousy Free Packet of Seed, a raucous comedy of errors, follows the exploits of Osborne Lonsdale, who writes a weekly column called "Me and My Shed" for a floundering gardening magazine. When the publication is taken over by a gung-ho management team, Lonsdale must learn to cope with his new coworkers. In Tennyson's Gift and Going Loco, Truss turns a fiendishly clever eye to the literary world. Tennyson's Gift is an imaginative cocktail of Victorian seriousness and farce that re-imagines the world of the nineteenth-century English poet laureate, placing him in the midst of eccentric company that includes dodgy Charles Dodgson (aka Lewis Carroll). Going Loco features a critic trying to write a definitive account of the doppelg�nger in gothic fiction, amidst the chaos of her domestic life, including paranoia that her cleaning lady is taking over her life. Making the Cat Laugh is a riotous collection of columns about single life. Truss comments on dating, secondhand smoking, shopping, holidays, and people who ask, "How's the novel going?" All the while, she continues an eighteen-year quest to make her cat laugh. Reportedly, the feline remains unimpressed. A feast of wit, The Lynne Truss Treasury will delight fans of Eats, Shoots & Leaves. Praise for Lynne Truss and her work: With One Lousy Free Packet of Seed Lynne Truss has written a perfect comic novel at the first attempt a witty, ingenious romp. Daily Telegraph This book will become a perennial comic delight this Truss must never be stopped. Sue Limb Sex, violence, murder and psychoanalysis lurk in the garden shed - a breezy, rude, pleasurable alternative to cutting the grass. Obeserver Making the Cat Laugh A small masterpiece of comedy...with abundant close observation, the familiar is made fresh...A continual hoot. The Times A truly inventive comic writer ... You should not attempt to read Making the Cat Laugh while travelling on public transport The Irish Times [Lynne Truss is] a social humorist of sharp insight and startling candour. Scotland on Sunday Tennyson s Gift A comic novel of subtle distinction ... richly entertaining and at times very moving. The Times The perfect summer book. No deck-chair will be complete without it. The Independent Terrific...Tennyson's Gift is witty, surprising, oddly compassionate and hugely assured. The Sunday Times Going Loco Truss lets her imagination explode in what can only be described as a riddle devised while coming down of hallucinogens. Time Out A classic comic novel, unashamed, exuberant, fiendishly clever, and a joy to read. The Daily Telegraph Going Loco is wonderfully underplayed, unpredictable and unexpectedly sinister. Sunday Express Author Bio: Lynne Truss is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, which has sold nearly one million copies and won Book of the Year at the British Book Awards. A novelist and journalist, she is also the author of numerous radio comedy dramas and for many years served as a television critic and sports columnist for The Times (London).

    There, a bore is "a person who talks when you wish him to listen," and happiness is "an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another." This is the most comprehensive, authoritative edition ever of Ambrose Bierce’s satiric masterpiece. It renders obsolete all other versions that have appeared in the book’s ninety-year history.A virtual onslaught of acerbic, confrontational wordplay, The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary offers some 1,600 wickedly clever definitions to the vocabulary of everyday life. Little is sacred and few are safe, for Bierce targets just about any pursuit, from matrimony to immortality, that allows our willful failings and excesses to shine forth.This new edition is based on David E. Schultz and S. T. Joshi’s exhaustive investigation into the book’s writing and publishing history. All of Bierce’s known satiric definitions are here, including previously uncollected, unpublished, and alternative entries. Definitions dropped from previous editions have been restored while nearly two hundred wrongly attributed to Bierce have been excised. For dedicated Bierce readers, an introduction and notes are also included.Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary is a classic that stands alongside the best work of satirists such as Twain, Mencken, and Thurber. This unabridged edition will be celebrated by humor fans and word lovers everywhere.

    Edited by his children, this title presents an anthology of writing from the former editor of 'Punch' and Radio 4 national treasure Alan Coren, who died in October 2007.

    According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM's devout followers, a.k.a. Pastafarians? Some say it's the assuring touch from the FSM's "noodly appendage." Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in pirate talk and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church's flimsy moral standards, religious holidays every Friday, or the fact that Pastafarian heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano? Intelligent Design has finally met its match—and it has nothing to do with apes or the Olive Garden of Eden.Within these pages, Bobby Henderson outlines the true facts—dispelling such malicious myths as evolution ("only a theory"), science ("only a lot of theories"), and whether we're really descended from apes (fact: Humans share 95 percent of their DNA with chimpanzees, but they share 99.9 percent with pirates!)See what impressively credentialed top scientists have to say:"If Intelligent Design is taught in schools, equal time should be given to the FSM theory and the non-FSM theory."—Professor Douglas Shaw, Ph.D."Do not be hypocritical. Allow equal time for other alternative 'theories' like FSMism, which is by far the tastier choice."—J. Simon, Ph.D."In my scientific opinion, when comparing the two theories, FSM theory seems to be more valid than classic ID theory."—Afshin Beheshti, Ph.D.

    A huge collection of incredible cautionary tales about the undignified ways you can kick the bucket - and they're all true! .the mechanic who blew himself up while trying to open a rocket-propelled grenade with a sledgehammer .A woman felled by a fatal flying lettuce .the octogenarian who caught a shopping trolley to a permanent vacation .the convicted murderer who electrocuted himself on the toilet as he repaired a tV these are all true reports which reveal the silliest ways you can bite the big one. Death may seem like a serious business, but this is a seriously funny book.

    Quotations are ordered not by A-Z, but by thematic categories: love; business; religion; celebrity, you name it, every category is covered. The collection includes all the classics from Oscar Wilde to Winston Churchill, Dorothy Parker to Groucho Marx but also mines many new hidden gems from lesser lights and includes many contemporary quotes by everyone from Jilly Cooper to Jonathan Ross. A standard companion for new collectors, and a fresh perspective for serious quotation addicts.

    In reality, mythology is more screwed up than a schizophrenic shaman doing hits of unidentified. Wait, it all makes sense now. In Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, Cory O’Brien, creator of Myths RETOLD!, sets the stories straight. These are rude, crude, totally sacred texts told the way they were meant to be told: loudly, and with lots of four-letter words. Skeptical? Here are just a few gems to consider: � Zeus once stuffed an unborn fetus inside his thigh to save its life after he exploded its mother by being too good in bed. � The entire Egyptian universe was saved because Sekhmet just got too hammered to keep murdering everyone. � The Hindu universe is run by a married couple who only stop murdering in order to throw sweet dance parties…on the corpses of their enemies. � The Norse goddess Freyja once consented to a four-dwarf gangbang in exchange for one shiny necklace. And there’s more dysfunctional goodness where that came from.

    With humor and insight, Melissa Mohr takes readers on a journey to discover how "swearing" has come to include both testifying with your hand on the Bible and calling someone a *#$&!* when they cut you off on the highway. She explores obscenities in ancient Rome and unearths the history of religious oaths in the Middle Ages, when swearing (or not swearing) an oath was often a matter of life and death. Holy Sh*t also explains the advancement of civility and corresponding censorship of language in the 18th century, considers the rise of racial slurs after World War II, examines the physiological effects of swearing and answers a question that preoccupies the FCC, the US Senate, and anyone who has recently overheard little kids at a playground: are we swearing more now than people did in the past?A gem of lexicography and cultural history, Holy Sh*t is a serious exploration of obscenity.

    Rather than feeling large and in charge, we feel little and belittled.Sound familiar? Bestselling "anti-guru" Sarah Knight has three simple words for you: YOU DO YOU. It's time to start putting your happiness first--and stop letting other people tell you what to do, how to do it, or why it can't be done. And don't panic! You can do it without losing friends and alienating people. Knight delivers her trademark no-bullsh*t advice about:The Tyranny of "Just Because"The social contract and how to amend itTurning "flaws" into strengths--aka "mental redecorating"Why it's not your job to be niceLetting your freak flag flyHow to take risks, silence the doubters, and prove the haters wrongPraise for Sarah Knight"Genius." --Cosmopolitan"Self-help to swear by." --Boston Globe"Hilarious... truly practical." --Booklist

    Acclaimed illustrator Keri Smith encourages journalers to engage in "destructive" acts-poking holes through pages, adding photos and defacing them, painting with coffee, and more-in order to experience the true creative process. Readers discover a new way of art and journal making-and new ways to escape the fear of the blank page and fully engage in the creative process.

     Marvel at the thief who steals electrical wires without shutting off the current. Gape at the lawnchair jockey who floats to a height of 16,000 feet suspended by helium balloons. Learn from the man who peers into a gasoline can using a cigarette lighter. All three -- and many more -- contend for Darwin Awards when their choices culminate in magnificent misadventures. These tales of trial and awe-inspiring error--verified by the author and endorsed by website readers--illustrate the ongoing saga of survival of the fittest in all its selective glory.

    Reprinted here for the first time is Franzen's controversial l996 investigation of the fate of the American novel in what became known as "the Harper's essay," as well as his award-winning narrative of his father's struggle with Alzheimer's disease, and a rueful account of his brief tenure as an Oprah Winfrey author.