The slaves stole an ore carrier and escaped, and after failing at trade, desperation and hatred drove them to piracy. John was a hugely successful pirate, until forced to confront the horrors committed by his men. He grabs a ship and a bag of gems, and runs away, determined to regain his self-respect. Pursued by his former colleagues, he flees across man-settled space. Along the way, he learns that his ship is much more than a simple yacht, deals with a stowaway girl, almost accidentally buys an orbital scrap yard, finds himself responsible for a beautiful young woman, fights off a pirate attack, falls in love, makes a friend, and learns that his refuge has been invaded by another planet. John, now Cale, and his friends plan to use derelicts from his scrap yard to free his sanctuary planet. But can a bunch of resurrected hulks really defeat a planetary fleet? And just what IS a Privateer, anyway?

    Read it the way Kathy and Mark wrote it, that is, don't just look at it, but study it for its lessons! -Massad Ayoob Founder, Lethal Force Institute Author of "In the Gravest Extreme- These are serious words from Massad, the Master of self defense! Don't rely on others to protect yourself and your loved ones. "Lessons from Armed America" is the essential primer for self defense. Kathy and Mark are the experts that answer all your questions on stalking, real-life firefights, prevention and awareness, as well as carjacking and use of nonlethal force. They tell it like it is with candor and compassion, speaking through both experience and well-thought-out-research. If you're serious about protecting your family, this is the one book you MUST read!

    It's a simple plan - he's a simple man - except for the forces of the Random, a man called Joseph Kaye, and a cockroach that doesn't exist. Sci-fi comedy.

    Now she’s really in for a cleanup.Triana Moore lost her job as a maintenance technician when her boss discovered her true identity. But decluttering the galaxy isn’t just for janitors. When she visits the ringed planet Grissom with security agent Ty O’Neill for his sister’s wedding, Triana discovers just how messy life can get. Deported before she can finish her coffee, Triana barely misses an exploding shuttle. But in true space janitor fashion, she decides to investigate. With the help of a pair of mischievous twins, a hard-drinking grandma, and her old frenemy Vanti, will Triana save the wedding?Of course she will. But how crazy will it get along the way?The Rings of Grissom tells the continuing story of Triana Moore, (former) Space Janitor, but can be enjoyed by new readers as well. If you want to avoid spoilers, read Triana Moore, Space Janitor first.

    At the perpetual age of 650, this is really no longer an option. The Full Moon Event Paulie Vergen is a Vampire living the daily grind of life until a fateful day when a newly infected Werewolf landed on his doorstep. All Paulie wanted was peace and quiet, but life didn't often seem to care about his plans. He's now faced with helping the poor Werewolf navigate through the Underworld in order to find the help that he needs. Bob the Zombie Bob is a Zombie who was just going about his business when a band of thieves stole his hand so that they could make a batch of Elfagra in the Upperworld. While it's bad enough that they've stolen Bob's hand for such a purpose, it comes to the Zombie's attention that if the bad guys use the wrong technique it could cause a cosmic rift that will spell the real death of Bob...not just the long, drawn out one that's part of being a Zombie. Gappy's Gadgets Gappy Whirligig is an industrious Gnome who has yet to reach the Age of Tinkering. In a flash, Gappy's life flips upside down, leaving him to make the decision to either strike out on his own or become a 42-year-old foster child. Gappy demonstrates his industrious spirit as he leaves Hubintegler's rules and regulations behind and instead seeks to make his mark in the seedy town of Planoontik.These stories get their influence from Terry Pratchett's Discworld, Robert Asprin's Myth Adventures, Monty Python, and countless other comedic mediums. This omnibus edition includes the first four books in the Tales from the Land of Ononokin series. You'll get wizards, vampires, werewolves, dwarves, elves, gnomes, orcs, ogres, giants, gorgans, humans, trolls, zombies, and more ... and it's all set in a fantastical world that will keep you giggling for weeks.

    They have absolute power; after all, they are the ones with the weapons. The only other armed agency, the Peacemaker Guild, is far smaller and unable to bend them to their will. But absolute power has the tendency to corrupt absolutely, and this is becoming increasingly apparent as the guild’s members pursue their hidden agendas. Leeto, the Merc Guild’s Speaker, and the Veetanho General Peepo are no different than the rank and file. They will use any means necessary—within the law or not—to accomplish their goal of destroying humanity. With the invasion of Earth already complete, a single compliant Hunter could be the Guild’s perfect weapon to finally accomplish their goals. Except that Hunters aren’t known for their compliance. Sparks are sure to fly as the unstoppable force of the Mercenary Guild comes up against the immovable object that is the will of the galaxy’s deadliest assassins. Guns in the light battle knives in the dark as the Mercenary Guild takes on the Depik Hunters, and only one will emerge victorious. Who will survive to kill another day?

    

    This book is written by a stand-up comedian that takes you through tragedy after tragedy on its path to hilarity. Will it make you laugh? Eventually. Will it make you cry? Probably. But the hope is that it will also make you smile, dream, and reflect, while simultaneously inspiring you to never stop chasing your dreams (even if your very own family is constantly trying to derail them). Brandt tells his life story with candor, detailing the many pit stops, wrong turns, crazy connections, and lucky breaks he experienced along the way to his comedy career, all while trying to balance a toxic relationship with his jailbird dad. Brandt's storytelling will make you laugh (it better because that's his job!) and believe, as he does, that when it comes to defining family, blood isn't always thicker than water.

    Apparently it’s fine for Scrimshaw Travel to make last minute amendments to the holiday without incurring any penalties or reducing the price in any way. That’s what the indifferent courier tells him on day one of the tour as she arrives in a clapped-out, old coach being driven by a partially-sighted driver. With the spa hotel replaced by a rundown guest house staffed by a neurotic manager, decrepit waitress and under-sexed, Italian waiter there doesn’t appear to be much of the brochure-described holiday left. Thank goodness for Angela, the rather lovely woman Derek pals up with on the journey down. She might just make the trip bearable. If only the other members of the group would leave them alone long enough to get to know each other, but Derek has always had the ability to attract the eccentric characters to him and he can’t escape them. Still, perhaps they’ll surprise him as he learns about their lives and secrets as they move from one hilarious excursion to another. And maybe Angela will provide one or two surprises herself. Driven to Distraction is a fun romp through the English countryside with characters finding love and friendship while travelling at twenty miles an hour. (Well, it is a clapped-out, old coach).

    He couldn’t help himself; he was going for a ride with aliens from outer space! The aliens wouldn’t tell him where he was going, how long he would be gone, or if he was ever coming back, but a space trip sounded like more fun than beer and burgers at Benny’s Been There and Done That Bar and Grill. He had to go. “A BRILLIANT NOVEL!” says Melanie Tighe, reviewer for The CitySunTimes, Phoenix, Arizona Larry’s ride into deep space wasn’t just a Sunday jaunt. This space-faring species was in danger of being wiped off the galactic map. They offered Larry a ride because his assistance was vital to their survival, but they were xenophobic to the point of barely tolerating Larry in the same room. He was willing to help, but what could he do? Could he live long enough to save himself? What skills did Larry have to save an alien species threatened with annihilation? Every time he asked them for information, they stonewalled him.

    Hard-Hitting Insults for Every OccasionIncluding      •  Insulting Someone’s Intelligence      •  Insulting Someone’s Sexual Prowess      •  Insults for the Office      •  Insults on Game Day     •  Insults throughout History     •  Insults from around the WorldPlus insulting gestures, backhanded compliments, comebacks, all the things you should never say about someone's mama, and much more!

    Note: These texting fails contain profanity, not for children.When are people going to learn that autocorrect can't be trusted? With FAILS like these, we actually hope that's not for a long time.This book complies 101 of the funniest, most viral and cringeworthy autocorrect screenshots to date.Guaranteed to put you on the floor laughing!

    She is addicted to the feeling of being on stage, looking out at expectant, up-turned mouths, waiting for the first laugh to hit. A first laugh that will not happen unless she creates it. But Brenda is clueless. The on-off girlfriend of a prolific comedian, it is only after she realises his best stage material consists of recycled versions of her own restless, smart-arsed energy that she begins to wonder whether she might be better off keeping her jokes for herself - and so she finds herself making her very first walk to the mark on stage in front of a bare brick wall, with just a spotlight and a PA system for cover, wondering what we all wonder from time to time: am I funny? A book as much about the thrill of performance as it is about what goes on when the microphone is switched off, Brenda Monk is Funny is a blackly humourous and devastatingly candid snapshot of the reality, the brutality and fragility of the comedy industry from an exciting new voice in fiction.

    for lads!For Billy Ellis, life is one series of disasters after another. His haemorrhoids have just cost him promotion, his new boss is threatening to move in next door, and on the very occasions he need a condom, he can’t even buy a packet without almost getting arrested. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he’s suddenly woken up to the fact that he’s almost thirty, still single and has the looks that give a new meaning to the word ‘average’.But at the end of last year, as always, Billy read his ‘Log of Life’ and vowed to make things better.And this year, he succeeded. Eventually.Billy’s Log reveals the frustrations of life for a single male and the never-ending battle to understand the workings of the female mind.

    When he released his debut album, Dice, in 1989, the parental advisory label simply read “Warning: This album is offensive.” His material stretched the boundaries of decency and good taste to their breaking point, and in turn he became the biggest stand-up comic in the world.In The Filthy Truth, Dice chronicles his remarkable rise, fall, and triumphant return. Brooklyn-born Andrew Clay Silverstein started out at Pips Comedy Club in Sheepshead Bay and eventually made a name for himself a decade later with a breakout appearance on the Rodney Dangerfield HBO special Nothing Goes Right. With that single TV appearance he became the new king of comedy, and Dicemania was born. He was the first and only comedian to sell out over three hundred sports arenas across the country to an audience of more than twelve million people. He was also the first comedian to sell out Madison Square Garden two nights in a row.But Dice’s meteoric rise and spectacular fame brought on a furious backlash from the media and critics. Billboards for his album produced by Rick Rubin and for his movie The Adventures of Ford Fairlane were defaced and ripped down as fast as they were put up. By the mid-nineties, though still playing to packed audiences, the turmoil in his personal life, plus attacks from every activist group imaginable, led him to make the decision to step out of the spotlight and put the focus on raising his boys.The Diceman was knocked down, but not out. Taking inspiration from what Frank Sinatra once told him—“You work for your fans, not the media. The media gets their tickets for free”—Dice is now back with critically acclaimed roles in HBO’s Entourage and Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine, and is once again playing to sold-out audiences.Filled with no-holds-barred humor and honesty, The Filthy Truth sets the record straight and gives fans plenty of never-before-shared stories from his career and his friendships with Howard Stern, Sam Kinison, Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, Axl Rose, and countless others.