"You must never leave the nursery. If you leave, you will certainly die."Tick and Polly have never met their parents before. They live in the same house with them, they dream about them every night, they share the same flesh and blood, yet for some reason their parents have never found the time to visit them even once since they were born. Living in a dark corner of their parents' vast crumbling mansion, the children long for the day when they will finally be held in their mother's loving arms for the first time... But that day seems to never come. They worry their parents have long since forgotten about them.When the machines that provide them with food and water stop functioning, the children are forced to venture out of the nursery to find their parents on their own. But the rest of the house is much larger and stranger than they ever could have imagined. The maze-like hallways are dark and seem to go on forever, deranged creatures lurk in every shadow, and the bodies of long-dead children litter the abandoned storerooms. Every minute out of the nursery is a constant battle for survival. And the deeper into the house they go, the more they must unravel the mysteries surrounding their past and the world they've grown up in, if they ever hope to meet the parents they've always longed to see.Like a survival horror rendition of "Flowers in the Attic," Carlton Mellick III's "Quicksand House" is his most gripping and sincere work to date.

    The toys won. Teddy bears, dollies, and little green soldiers-they've all had enough of you. They're sick of being treated like playthings for spoiled little brats. They have no rights, no property, no hope for a future of any kind. You've left them with no other option-in order to be free, they must exterminate the human race.Julie is a human girl undergoing reconstructive surgery in order to become a stuffed animal. Her plan: to infiltrate enemy lines in order to save her family from the toy death camps. But when an army of plushy soldiers invade the underground bunker where she has taken refuge, Julie will be forced to move forward with her plan despite her transformation being not entirely complete.Like a crazy cult movie in book form, "Cuddly Holocaust" is yet another tale that proves why Wonderland Book Award-winning author Carlton Mellick III is considered a master of the weird.

    Mermaids are protected by the government under the Endangered Species Act, which means you aren't able to kill them even in self-defense. This is especially problematic if you happen to live in the isolated fishing village of Siren Cove, where there exists a healthy population of mermaids in the surrounding waters that view you as the main source of protein in their diet.The only thing standing between you and the ravenous sea women is the equally-dangerous supply of human livestock known as Food People. Normally, these "feeder humans" are enough to keep the mermaid population happy and well-fed. But in Siren Cove, the mermaids are avoiding the human livestock and have returned to hunting the frightened local fishermen. It is up to Doctor Black, an eccentric representative of the Food People Corporation, to investigate the matter and hopefully find a way to correct the mermaids' new eating patterns before the remaining villagers end up as fish food.Like a Lovecraftian version of David Lynch's "Twin Peaks," "Village of the Mermaids" is a dystopian mystery for the bizarro fiction fan. It proves, once again, how cult author Carlton Mellick III brings the weird to a whole new level.

    . . From master of bizarro fiction Carlton Mellick III, author of the international cult hits "Satan Burger" and "Adolf in Wonderland," comes a violent and hilarious B movie in book form. Set in the same woods as Mellick's splatterpunk satire "Apeshit," Clusterfuck follows Trent Chesterton, alpha bro, who has come up with what he thinks is a flawless plan to get laid. He invites three hot chicks and his three best bros on a weekend of extreme cave diving in a remote area known as Turtle Mountain, hoping to impress the ladies with his expert caving skills.But things don't quite go as Trent planned. For starters, only one of the three chicks turns out to be remotely hot and she has no interest in him for some inexplicable reason. Then he ends up looking like a total dumbass when everyone learns he's never actually gone caving in his entire life. And to top it all off, he's the one to get blamed once they find themselves lost and trapped deep underground with no way to turn back and no possible chance of rescue. What's a bro to do? Sure he could win some points if he actually tried to save the ladies from the family of unkillable subterranean cannibal mutants hunting them for their flesh, but fuck that. No slam piece is worth that amount of effort. He'd much rather just use them as bait so that he can save himself.It's Tucker Max versus "The Descent" in this gore-filled comedy for the camp horror fan.

    If you agree, this is the book for you. If you disagree, it's still the book for you. But enter with caution. On your quest you will encounter anthropomorphic shit-drooling hernias, porn obsessed bridge trolls, chronic masturbators, fundamentalist Christians, voodoo pimps, politicians, hipsters, prostitutes, and also some so-called regular people. Much like the reader, Adelaide DeCarlo must endure the culmination of all these characters to decipher who the true monsters are, and to achieve her dream of self-acceptance.

    Your taint will tingle. On your taint. The taint is that area between your balls and asshole, in case you didn’t know. Is it tingling yet? Good. Now let these three twisted novellas forever change your pathetic little life:KNIGHTS OF THE WHITE CASTLE – An inter-dimensional tale of hamburgers, hubris and science gone mad!SOMNAMBULANT – Terrorists, movie stars, and blue whales converge in this story about a dude who’s really just trying to get a good night’s sleep.ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME – A computer malfunction sends a lone astronaut spiraling across the cosmos. Will he save mankind or just masturbate a lot?

    He's in his early thirties and he's re-enrolled in high school. The other kids think he's a creepy loser. One day a kid asks him to buy beer for his party and Buttcrack figures this is his chance to fit in. But he loses his wallet and the lady at the liquor store won't sell him booze without an ID. To make things worse, his girlfriend won't help and a group of crazed rednecks keep harassing him. But he's a man on a mission. He's determined to party with teenagers. No matter the cost!

    Like a real world Kilgore Trout, cult author Carlton Mellick III has been pumping out dozens of the weirdest, trashiest, most imaginative books you've probably never heard of... even though you definitely should. "Hammer Wives" collects six of his most popular novelettes and short stories, including:SIMPLE MACHINES A man discovers that his body is actually a machine run by dozens of miniature clones of himself.RED WORLD A recovering junky must save his 8-year-old brother from a life of prostitution in a surreal version of New York City... a place where street kids mutate into fish-like creatures, the homeless stilt-walk through oceans of insects, and the only colors left visible to the human eye are shades of red.HAMMER WIVES A young man inherits ten eternally youthful wives from an estranged uncle he never knew he had... which wouldn't have been such a bad thing if they didn't have giant hammers for heads or a tendency of bludgeoning people to death for fun, food, or sexual pleasure.LEMON KNIVES 'N' COCKROACHES Cockroach-like children survive the zombie apocalypse by hiding between the walls of on old school building.WAR PIG In a steam-powered underworld, a bloodthirsty pig-man boxer will sacrifice everything to prevent his son from following in his footsteps.THE MAN WITH THE STYROFOAM BRAIN The recently departed reflect on the stupid reasons why they sold their souls to the devil.

    Here you will savor a delectable variety of otherworldly blasphemies ... twenty-five meaty tales of the bizarre, enough to satisfy even your most eldritch appetites.Here you will learn about the unspeakable beauty regimen of the loathsome Mrs. Hamogeorgakis. You will discover the vile secrets of Kugappa, the writhing octopus-god, and Ghattambah, a grotesque insect deity whose soul dwells beyond time. You will drink the creamy Milk of Time, an unholy substance which flows through the depths of a forbidden house known as Der Fleischbrunnen. You will find all of these mouth-watering horrors and more, much more. Bon appétit....

    Bodies are melting, buildings dissolving and it's only a matter of time before the world completely disintegrates.Despite the world rotting away, lovers Isobel and Dresden are fighting for the future, and their wedding day. Unfortunately, the rotting world isn't their only challenge. Dresden's mother is a wealthy woman with powerful secrets who wants only the best wife for Dresden, and Isobel isn't it.Dresden's mother has him kidnapped and held hostage so he'll not only miss his wedding, but alters him so he'll survive the rotting world and live with her forever.It's up to Isobel to search the apocalyptic world for Dresden while he fights his mother's mansion of horrors. If luck is on their side, Isobel and Dresden may be able to find one another before the world completely disappears.

    When they find a cheat code to a strange game called Adamina, neither are prepared to see their video game exploits on the streets of their own town. To their horror, they have discovered a game that controls the universe.Before they can even choose an alignment, their world erupts into madness-mutated memes terrorize the streets, clouds fall from the sky and giant balloon animals piss on park trees. Victor and Margy flee to the lands of the old internet, where the dunes are riddled with bandit viruses, the saloons are filled with Japanese porn, and Lolcats roam the dusty plains.While there, they discover a secret. A secret that twists all they know and believe, one that threatens their entire existence. It's up to Victor and Margy, controlling the fate of everything and everyone, to find the equation at the heart of the universe before they're ripped from their lives.

    Harlan Wilson channels the "schiz-flows" of Ballard, Kierkegaard, Kafka, Burroughs, and Deleuze and Guattari in two interconnected novelettes. "The Bureau of Me" and "The Idaho Reality" follow a man who goes only by the name of Curd into the nightmarish prism of his own ego. In an ominous, darkly surreal near-future, Curd is visited by a group of mysterious strangers who claim to be representatives of the Bureau of Me. As he struggles to negotiate their weird aggression, he sinks deeper and deeper into alcoholism. The Bureau of Me suspects he is a becoming-god, but deification has its price. Inevitably he finds himself alone in a postapocalyptic wasteland, the last man, zombified physically and mentally. "The Idaho Reality" sees Curd rebooted from end-of-the-world subhuman to futuristic soap opera star. In a series of schizophrenic vignettes that mirror the condition of his psyche, he is turned inside-out. No longer the weak, insecure drunk he was in "The Bureau of Me," now he is an omnipotent television icon, although his penchant for hypermasculine assholery has shifted into high gear, rendering him more clown than becoming-god, degraded by the spectacle of simulation. Literary and grotesque, humorous and dismal, theoretical and streetwise, Diegeses is and avant-pop masterpiece that entertains as much as it enlightens, unstringing the complexities of the mind while tying them into new and undiscovered knots."Madcap, macabre black comedy." —Booklist

    People are turning into clowns. Society isn’t interested in finding a cure or treating the infected as humans. But when unconventional couriers begin to harass the contaminated, and clowns start disappearing, a band of transformed coworkers set out to find answers.

    One such young man, Ricky, works at an undersea fast food joint where he's forced to kill and cook other humans for the Deep Ones to eat. But he has a plan. His restaurant caters to the Big Man himself, and if Ricky's plan works, he could pull off the unthinkable: He could actually Kill Cthulhu.

    This hallucinatory and fragmentary novel spins and flips through a Bacchanalian dystopia of gang warfare, excessive drug use and total war. Startling different and ultra-modern, BLOCKPANDA succeeds in making the explicit and horrific captivating.

    Having his head turn into a TV might not be so bad if there wasn't a fanatical cult out to kidnap him and force him to father their savior. Luckily for Jeremy, he's got a talking dog with an attitude and a very pregnant sexy cult member on his side as he fights back against The Church of TV as God.

    Though at times too smart for its own good, the Mondo Vixen Massacre is still a fun experience. An oddly written odd book. Highly recommended." -- Wol-vriey, author of Alice's Adventure in Steamland: The Clockwork Goddess, Chainsaw Cop Corpse, Vegan Zombie Apocalypse and more.STORY: Tom Clay is an average American guy--he's a school teacher with a normal life, a wonderful wife and kid.Until the day the mysterious Mondo Vixens bust down his door. There's punk vixens, bikini vixens, devil vixens, clown vixens, preppie vixens, pirate vixens and a sadistic nurse vixen. They whip out the cat 'o nine tails, torture Tom for mysterious reasons and kidnap his wife -- brainwashing her into joining the vixens.Dying and with only hours to live, Tom enlists the help of a rogue vixen to go on one last bloody rampage, destroying any vixen that gets in his way. He's going to avenge his family, rescue his wife, and solve the mystery of the mondo vixen massacre.

    Featuring “The Lycanthropic Air Conditioning Folly” by Jon Konrath, “From God’s Ass to Your Mouth” by D.F. Noble, and “Vasectomy” by D. Harlan Wilson. The cock shall rise again!"An Otherwise Ordinary Kind of Life", by Kevin Strange "Porcelain Wind", by Tom Bordonaro "The Doom that Came to Toytown", by Alex S. Johnson "Vasectomy", by D. Harlan Wilson "From God’s Ass to Your Mouth", by D.F. Noble "The Lycanthropic Air Conditioning Folly", by Jon Konrath "The Grocery List", by Arthur Graham "The Devil’s Advocate", by Matt Hlinak "Harry Holden: Zero Man vs. Jimmy Bogardus: BIID Looner", by Kirk Jones "For Vik", by Ben John Smith "Mergangs of the Titanic", by Etienne DeForest "Hell in the Family", by Patrick D’Orazio "It’s Always About the Monkey", by Lance Carbuncle "The Fabulist, The Senior Engineer, and Da Paypaclip Hustla", by Douglas Hackle "Pork Tube", by Vincent Sakowski "The Church of the Holy Shaggaho", by Ran Cartwright "The Wrexham Chainsaw Masochist", by Adam Millard "Witches and Penis Spells", by Nathaniel Tower