Packed full of zingers and hilarious illustrations, if this doesn't put a smile on your face, nothing will. What's not to like:The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it. I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one. Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.' Velcro. What a rip-off. Black Beauty. He's a dark horse. I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

    The silence is so heavy that you can hear your blood thundering through your veins. The stir of dry leaves in the darkness could be your friend finding his way back, but it sounds more like a primordial monster stalking its prey. And the lights between the trees? And the haunting songs which lure you ever deeper?  It's time to admit that you aren't afraid of being alone in the woods. You're afraid of not being alone.  Journey through the minds of 22 horror authors who have teamed up to reveal the most terrifying aspects of the forest. Over 400 pages of original supernatural and psychological horror stories include: ghosts, demons, serial-killers, true stories and unsolved mysteries, unique monsters, classic myths and legends, and above all else, a profound respect for the terror hidden within the mysterious trees. About Haunted House Publishing: We're passionate about publishing horror stories for adults, scary books for teens, and all sorts of dark fiction. We've got new horror kindle books every month, specializing in supernatural stories, supernatural book collections, and paranormal books for adults. We've got zombie books, demonic horror, ghosts and specters, angels and demons, gothic novels, and haunted houses and ghosts novels. We promise some of the top horror books 2018.

    Be Very Afraid.From ghosts, vampires, and zombies to serial killers, cannibalistic hillbillies, and haunted Japanese videocassettes, How to Survive a Horror Movie shows how to defeat every obstacle found in scary films. Readers will discover:- How to Perform an Exorcism - What to Do If You Did Something Last Summer - How to Persuade the Skeptical Local Sheriff - How to Vanquish a Murderous Doll - How to Survive an Alien Invasion - How to Tell If You've Been Dead Since the Beginning of the Movieand much, much more. Complete with useful instructions, insane illustrations, and a list of 100 important films to study, How to Survive a Horror Movie is essential reading for prom queens, jocks, teenage babysitters, and anyone employed by a summer camp.

    Like a real world Kilgore Trout, cult author Carlton Mellick III has been pumping out dozens of the weirdest, trashiest, most imaginative books you've probably never heard of... even though you definitely should. "Hammer Wives" collects six of his most popular novelettes and short stories, including:SIMPLE MACHINES A man discovers that his body is actually a machine run by dozens of miniature clones of himself.RED WORLD A recovering junky must save his 8-year-old brother from a life of prostitution in a surreal version of New York City... a place where street kids mutate into fish-like creatures, the homeless stilt-walk through oceans of insects, and the only colors left visible to the human eye are shades of red.HAMMER WIVES A young man inherits ten eternally youthful wives from an estranged uncle he never knew he had... which wouldn't have been such a bad thing if they didn't have giant hammers for heads or a tendency of bludgeoning people to death for fun, food, or sexual pleasure.LEMON KNIVES 'N' COCKROACHES Cockroach-like children survive the zombie apocalypse by hiding between the walls of on old school building.WAR PIG In a steam-powered underworld, a bloodthirsty pig-man boxer will sacrifice everything to prevent his son from following in his footsteps.THE MAN WITH THE STYROFOAM BRAIN The recently departed reflect on the stupid reasons why they sold their souls to the devil.

    Poe The Girl by Lola St Vil Rest For The Wicked by Cate Dean Drowning Mermaids by Nadia Scrieva I Bring the Fire: Part I Wolves by C. Gockel The Witch Hunter by Nicole R Taylor Beyond the Fortuneteller's Tent by Kristy Tate Nolander by Becca Mills The Medium by C.J. Archer Dream Student by J.J. DiBendetto Deception by Stacy Claflin The Black Parade by Kyoko M The Thought Readers by Dima Zales

    

    It didn't give you the date and it didn't give you specifics. It just spat out a sliver of paper upon which were printed, in careful block letters, the words DROWNED or CANCER or OLD AGE or CHOKED ON A HANDFUL OF POPCORN. It let people know how they were going to die." Machine of Death tells thirty-four different stories about people who know how they will die. Prepare to have your tears jerked, your spine tingled, your funny bone tickled, your mind blown, your pulse quickened, or your heart warmed. Or better yet, simply prepare to be surprised. Because even when people do have perfect knowledge of the future, there's no telling exactly how things will turn out. Featuring stories by: * Randall Munroe* Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw* Tom Francis* Camille Alexa* Erin McKean* James L. Sutter* Douglas J. Lane* and many others.Featuring illustrations by: * Kate Beaton* Kazu Kibuishi* Aaron Diaz* Jeffrey Brown* Scott C.* Roger Langridge* Karl Kerschl* Cameron Stewart* and many others

    This lenticular journal cover sets in motion images of slithering, shuffling zombies from the bestselling graphic novel The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks. Filled with lined pages, this all-purpose journal is perfect for jotting down notes, making to-do lists, plotting your own survival strategy, and is just the creepy thing for zombie fans everywhere.

    For those readers who have followed this remarkable talent since the beginning, here are all those amazing stories gathered together in one place, with some extra surprises as well. For the many who are newly come to Card, here is chance to experience the wonder of a writer so versatile that he can handle everything from traditional narrative poetry to modern experimental fiction with equal ease and grace. The brilliant story-telling of the Alvin Maker books is no accident; the breathless excitement evoked by the Ender books is not a once-in-a-lifetime experience. In this enormous volume are forty-six stories, plus ten long, intensely personal essays, unique to this volume. In them the author reveals some of his reasons and motivations for writing, with a good deal of autobiography into the bargain.Contents: Introduction (Book 1: The Hanged Man, Tales of Dread) • essay by Orson Scott Card Eumenides in the Fourth Floor Lavatory (1979) / novelette by Orson Scott Card Quietus (1979) / short story by Orson Scott Card Deep Breathing Exercises (1979) / short story by Orson Scott Card Fat Farm (1980) / short story by Orson Scott Card Closing the Timelid (1979) / short story by Orson Scott Card Freeway Games (1979) / short story by Orson Scott Card A Sepulchre of Songs (1981) / novelette by Orson Scott Card Prior Restraint (1986) / short story by Orson Scott Card The Changed Man and the King of Words (1982) / novelette by Orson Scott Card Memories of My Head (1990) / short story by Orson Scott Card Lost Boys (1989) / short story by Orson Scott Card Afterword (Book 1: The Hanged Man, Tales of Dread) • essay by Orson Scott Card Introduction (Book 2: Flux, Tales of Human Futures) • essay by Orson Scott Card A Thousand Deaths [Tales of Capitol] (1978) / novelette by Orson Scott Card Clap Hands and Sing (1982) / short story by Orson Scott Card Dogwalker (1989) / novelette by Orson Scott Card But We Try Not to Act Like It (1979) / short story by Orson Scott Card I Put My Blue Genes On (1978) / short story by Orson Scott Card In the Doghouse (1978) / short story by Orson Scott Card and Jay A. Parry The Originist [Foundation] (1989) / novella by Orson Scott Card Afterword (Book 2: Flux, Tales of Human Futures) • essay by Orson Scott Card Introduction (Book 3: Maps in a Mirror, Fables and Fantasies) • essay by Orson Scott Card Unaccompanied Sonata (1979) / short story by Orson Scott Card A Cross-Country Trip to Kill Richard Nixon (1980) / novelette by Orson Scott Card The Porcelain Salamander (1981) • short story by Orson Scott Card Middle Woman (1981) / short story by Orson Scott Card The Bully and the Beast (1979) / novella by Orson Scott Card The Princess and the Bear (1980) / novelette by Orson Scott Card Sandmagic [Mither Mages] (1979) / novelette by Orson Scott Card The Best Day (1984) / short story by Orson Scott Card A Plague of Butterflies (1981) / short story by Orson Scott Card The Monkeys Thought 'Twas All in Fun (1979) / novelette by Orson Scott Card Afterword (Book 3: Maps in a Mirror, Fables and Fantasies) • essay by Orson Scott Card Introduction (Book 4: Cruel Miracles, Tales of Death, Hope, and Holiness) • essay by Orson Scott Card Mortal Gods (1979) / short story by Orson Scott Card Saving Grace (1987) / short story by Orson Scott Card Eye for Eye (1987) / novella by Orson Scott Card St. Amy's Tale (1980) / novelette by Orson Scott Card Kingsmeat (1978) / short story by Orson Scott Card Holy (1980) / novelette by Orson Scott Card Afterword (Book 4: Cruel Miracles, Tales of Death, Hope, and Holiness) • essay by Orson Scott Card Introduction (Book 5: Lost Songs, The Hidden Stories) • essay by Orson Scott Card Ender's Game [Ender Wiggin] (1977) / novelette by Orson Scott Card Mikal's Songbird (1978) / novelette by Orson Scott Card Prentice Alvin and the No-Good Plow [The Alvin Maker Saga] (1989) • poem by Orson Scott Card Malpractice (1977) / short story by Orson Scott Card Follower (1978) / short story by Orson Scott Card Hitching (1978) / short story by Orson Scott Card Damn Fine Novel (1989) / short story by Orson Scott Card Billy's Box (1978) / short story by Orson Scott Card The Best Family Home Evening Ever (1978) / short story by Orson Scott Card Bicicleta (1977) / short story by Orson Scott Card I Think Mom and Dad Are Going Crazy, Jerry (1979) / short story by Orson Scott Card Gert Fram (1977) / short story by Orson Scott Card Afterword (Book 5: Lost Songs, The Hidden Stories) • essay by Orson Scott Card

    Jimmy Rabbitte hates jazz, always has. But his wife Aiofe loves it, and Jimmy loves Aiofe. So when, in attempt to convert him, she buys him two tickets for a Keith Jarrett concert he decides to take Outspan, former member of Jimmy's band The Commitments, who has come back into his life after a chance meeting in the cancer clinic. Jarrett is famous for being intolerant of any noise at all - a cough, a sneeze, a wheeze - from the audience, stopping playing and shaming the perpetrator. And Outspan's diagnosis is lung cancer, it's pretty bad, and he needs an oxygen cylinder to breathe properly.Will Outspan create havoc? Will Jimmy learn to love jazz at last?

    The only catch is that she has to look after a pet dog in exchange for board.She soon finds herself trying to juggle auditions, the demise of a long-term relationship and a blossoming fling, all whist hiding a sinister secret concealed within her suitcase.

    * New Edition. * Includes a new translation of 'Fotikchand'.

    “Signatures of the Dead” tells the story of the vampire massacre that made Jane Yellowrock a household name.And in “Cajun with Fangs,” Jane makes a new friend who turns out to have old enemies, and finds herself drawn into a vicious blood feud, fueled by dark magic and ancient grudges.

    Knight, artillerist, swordsman. Mercenary for hire. Ill-starred lover.Mister Fitz. Puppet, sorcerer, loremaster. Practitioner of arcane arts now mostly and thankfully forgotten. Former nursemaid to Hereward.Sir Hereward and Mister Fitz. Agents of the Council of the Treaty for the Safety of the World, charged with the location and removal of listed extra-dimensional entities, more commonly known as gods or godlets.Travellers. Adventurers. Godslayers . . .For the first time, the two award-winning novellas and a short story featuring Sir Hereward and Mister Fitz’s exploits are gathered together in a single volume. From the New York Times-bestselling writer Garth Nix, author of The Abhorsen Trilogy (Sabriel, Lirael, Abhorsen), Shade’s Children, The Seventh Tower series, The Keys to the Kingdom series and Troubletwisters (with Sean Williams).Reader Advisory: Though some of Garth Nix’s books and stories are for children, this one is not. It is for adult readers.

    14 original teen paranormal short stories YA talent, united with the common theme of road trips.Contents:Introduction by Melissa Marr & Kelley Armstrong1 Giovanni’s Farewell by Claudia Gray2 Scenic Route (The Forest of Hands and Teeth #0.5) by Carrie Ryan3 Red Run by Kami Garcia4 Things About Love (Genies #1.5) by Jackson Pearce5 Niederwald (Soul Screamers #4.5) by Rachel Vincent6 Merely Mortal (Wicked Lovely #5.5) by Melissa Marr7 Facing Facts (Darkest Powers #3.6) by Kelley Armstrong8 Let’s Get this Undead Show on the Road by Sarah Rees Brennan9 Bridge (Shade #2.5) by Jeri Smith-ReadySkin Contact (The Body Finder #2.5) by Kimberly Derting10 Leaving by Ally Condie11 At The Late Night, Double Feature, Picture Show by Jessica Verday12 IV League by Margaret Stohl13 Gargouille by Mary E. Pearson14 The Third Kind by Jennifer Lynn Barnes15 Automatic (The Morganville Vampires: Extras) by Rachel Caine