(Can supply own time travel machine if required.)When Horace Tweed places an advertisement in a national magazine, the last thing he expects is to be commissioned to travel back through time in search of the long extinct Holey* Snail.But this isn’t just any old snail. The helix pertusa is possessed of an extraordinary and highly desirable property, and Horace’s quest leads him and his co-adventurers to Ancient Greece and a variety of near-death encounters with beings both mythological and not so mythological.Meanwhile, Detective Chief Inspector Harper Collins has her hands full trying to track down a secret order of fundamentalist monks whom she suspects of committing a series of murders – the same monks who are determined to thwart Horace in his... ...Quest for the Holey Snail. (* This isn’t a spelling mistake. The Holey Snail is so called because there are hundreds of tiny holes all over its shell.)PLEASE NOTE: Quest for the Holey Snail is not part of Rob Johnson’s Lifting the Lid series.

    His first mission: save a gazillion lives. When young Kevin has a chance encounter with a dying alien, he discovers not only that humans aren't alone in the universe, but that this encounter propels him into the middle of an intergalactic war. Now at the frontlines of a massive, far far away war, he’s sent to the last remaining ship of the losing side. The crew of the ship? All dead. His mission is simple: he must save the good guys from certain doom. From College reject to War Master, Kevin learns he must adapt quickly or billions will die.

    To take stock of WHERE HE IS and WHERE HE'S AT in order to figure out how BEST to get the MOST out of what he BELIEVES are the BEST YEARS yet to come.His typically positive and upbeat journey involves ONE HUNDRED DAYS of contemplation, research, focus, frustration and DECISION MAKING while SECRETLY:*Training for The London MARATHON*Bringing back his cult Nineties TV show TFI FRIDAY*And the small matter of suddenly being asked to take over TOP GEAR.HEALTH, LOVE, MARRIAGE, SEX, DEATH and even RELIGION all come under his witty microscope as he poses the conundrum - MIDLIFE: CRISIS vs OPPORTUNITY ?There can only be one winner.

    GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS is suitable for young readers and also as a read-aloud book to babies and toddlers.

    In a career spanning forty years, Barry has worked alongside the greatest producers and performers in show business: Tommy Cooper, Humphrey Lyttelton, Morecambe and Wise, Willie Rushton, Peter Cook, Kenny Everett, Rory Bremner to name but a few - this book is a veritable Who's Who of comedy.From humble beginnings at the Windmill Theatre and Expresso Bongo, to The Frost Report, Call My Bluff and I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue, Barry recalls the good, the bad, and the downright ugly in his own inimitable style.'Barry Cryer ...an anecdote jukebox whose whole life is basically one big chatshow.'Guardian

    For although Philly and Richard were on opposite sides of the mill floor, they recognised - both of them - that they were equally matched in strength of character and the capacity for overwhelming sexual passion. Thus began the forty years of conflict between the two families - the Swainbanks, cushioned by wealth but tearing each other to pieces with the violence of their emotions - and the Maguires, proud, betrayed, and led by the vibrant and magnificent Philly. A major saga of the Lancashire cotton mills - of the strong, violent, real people who both owned them, and worked in them - and of the dangerous things that love can do to families throughout the generations.

    Flames of Chaos spread, swallowing up all they can with horrific hunger, bringing pain and madness to all they cross. Across the ocean, the lands have long since begun to die. The Empire of mankind struggles to maintain against the pressing weight of drought, famine, and the long-standing dangers of the Eastern Mountains, where ancient Dwarven [Constructs] and monsters roam. The people whisper of a coming doom, and some say even the Emperor's own Seers claim the end has begun... But none of these things have anything to do with a Tiny Snake. Not in the slightest. ------ From the online web-serial, comes a story of reincarnation, comedy, and the winding path towards existential redemption: All Hail The Tiny Snake God!

    And it is Modi-led India that has this high honour. Prime Minister Modi rolls out the red carpet for the aliens. He receives them at the airport, shows them the sights in Delhi and convinces them to invest in the Make in India campaign. The leader of the alien delegation even holds a broom to promote Swachh Bharat. But what is the real reason the aliens have come to India? Are they friends? Or will they turn foes? Read this hilarious, rib-tickling novel from the author of Unreal Elections to find out.

    Now she’s back − a return less anticipated than a Browns’ Super Bowl win − to help her mom out of a funk. Sam heard it was bad, but now Mom's blowing off bingo? Sam begins to suspect that her mom’s depression may not be all it appears, but she gets side-tracked when her investigator brother Paul tosses her into a case. They’re on the hunt for a client’s missing wife, Tracy. Sam discovers she has an old connection to Tracy, but will that help Sam find her, or will it land her in a trap she can’t escape? Shadowing Sam in her hunt is Johnny Rosato, a warmer complication from her past. Sam's emotions are mixed, but her lower half has a strong opinion. An ancient and unfinished crush, a secretive mother, an aiding and abetting best friend, a hot cop, a salacious uncle, and a living garden gnome all compete to distract Sam as she stumbles down a distorted path. Can she find Tracy? And will childhood ties suck her back in for good?

    World War II is a full-blown nightmare for the survivors of the initial attack. American forces have been pushed to the brink and have been forced toward the center of the country in a frenzied bid to regroup and strike out, fending off the aggressors before it is too late and she falls completely under enemy control. Darlene Bobich and her group struggle to elude capture from the Sawyer clan, hell-bent on enslaving everyone in sight. Meanwhile, Mike, BT and what remains of the National Guard forces are caught up in a multi-national conflict that could spell the end of the American way.Can our heroes escape and can anything be done to turn the tide of a war that looks all but lost?

    The bookstore or library is half full of that kind of crap. What you're holding here is a collection of quips and observations with a refreshingly gloomy, sometimes twisted, always funny take on life. Or lack thereof.With illustrations by renowned artist Brian Andreas, this book is a glimpse inside the humorously askew mind of a writer whose witticisms have been featured on NPR, printed onto t-shirts, performed on stage in Germany, and posted online at the Washington Post, Wall Street Journal, and New York Times. He's been named one of the top funniest people on Twitter by the likes of Maxim, MSNBC and Mashable.

     Meet Wally Moscowitz. His day job is top secret. As ghostwriter for Oral B, the most famous gangsta rapper in the world, Wally is the real mastermind behind Godz-Illa Records' best-selling artist, and the best-kept secret in the Industry. But if word gets out about Wally's true profession, Godz-Illa's kajillion-dollar rap empire will be sunk, and Wally will be dead meat. When Wally comes home one particularly bizarre afternoon to find a ransom note and his best friend and dog, Dr. Barry Schwartzman, missing, Wally goes to great lengths to stop the dognappers while keeping the big secret under wraps. He must, if he wants to walk away with his job, not to mention his life, intact. The hunt for Dr. Schwartzman and the blackmailing thug who is trying to reveal hip-hop's biggest conspiracy becomes a wild-goose chase in which everyone becomes a suspect: Sue Schadenfreude, Wally's girlfriend, who makes a pretty penny massaging Barbra Streisand's papillon, Yenta; Pardeep Vishvatma, Wally's neighbor, who keeps a watchful eye on all the suspicious characters lurking about the hood; Jerry Silver, Wally's slick-rick, self-styled superagent; Abraham "Dandy" Lyons, Wally's boss and Godz-Illa's CEO-badass with Suge Knight's street cred and Tony Soprano's "friends"; Jem, the fiery, achingly familiar vixen who steals Wally's heart; Yo Yo Pa and Teddy Bizzle, Oral B's entourage; and the mysterious mob crew: Five-two Lou, Six-seven Kevin, and Balsamic Vinny, who show up when Wally needs them most. Duck Duck Wally is a hilarious romp through the absurdities of Los Angeles, the bombastic details of hip-hop culture, and a day in the life of what was supposed to be the painfully ordinary existence of Wally Moscowitz.

     All the best,Kerry and Kurtanp.s. Kurtan wants to make it clear that although this newsletter is in book format it does not make him any of the following:Book WormBook bummerBoffinNerd alertThe lion, the witch and the book wormp.p.s If you don't buy this newsletter that's fine, but we are getting a percent of the profits to donate to the Kerry Mucklowe eating fund, so if you don't buy it I'll basically starve. Which is fine if your conscience can deal with that utter headf***.

    We all know one! They like to groan and grumble, offering their own commentary on the shortcomings of modern life. Whether it is queues at the supermarket, the state of the health system, the price of a pint these days, the hairstyles of teenagers, or the number of Maltesers you actually get in a bag, there is always something that will get their goat. 'The Grumpy Old Git's Guide to Life' is a hilarious celebration of all these grumps, how to identify one, what exactly they find so irritating and why we find their rants quite so amusing.

    A novel by Alok Kumar.