Forced to live as a human under the name of Jeremy Clovenhoof, the dark lord not only has to contend with the fact that no one recognises him or gives him the credit he deserves but also has to put up with the bookish wargamer next door and the voracious man-eater upstairs.Heaven, Hell and the city of Birmingham collide in a story that features murder, heavy metal, cannibalism, armed robbers, devious old ladies, Satanists who live with their mums, gentlemen of limited stature, dead vicars, petty archangels, flamethrowers, sex dolls, a blood-soaked school assembly and way too much alcohol.Clovenhoof is outrageous and irreverent (and laugh out loud funny!) but it is also filled with huge warmth and humanity. Written by first-time collaborators Heide Goody and Iain Grant, Clovenhoof will have you rooting for the bad guy like never before.F Paul Wilson: Clovenhoof is a delight. A funny, often hilarious romp with a dethroned Satan as he tries to adjust to modern suburbia. The breezy, ironic prose sets a perfect tone. If you need some laughs, here's the remedy.

    Okay yes, all that stuff too, but I'm not talking about that right now. The government has also been lying to us about space aliens. Aliens have landed on the National Mall and are asking to speak with the President of the United States. For the sake of the planet, diplomat Michael Wallenson is tasked with keeping them away from Donald Trump at all costs. Will Michael succeed? Or will these heavily armed, easily offended aliens succeed in reaching our leader? Building the border dome, coal-powered missiles, and the true identities of the men in black - all in Take Us To Your Trump, another hilarious satirical comedy from author Andrew Stanek.

    He’s also a vampire. He lives alone and avoids the other vampires in L.A., but Pete’s simple life goes haywire when he falls for Angie, the cute bartender at a Sunset Strip dive -- and when sinister vampire lord Carson Fitzgerald returns to claim his children, Pete learns that nothing's ever easy for a creature of the night.

    Rowling (the HARRY POTTER series), Darren Shan (CIRQUE DU FREAK), R.L. Stine (the GOOSEBUMPS series), and Stephen King (IT)! Volume Three in the PETER AND THE MONSTERS series! Follow the adventures started in PETER AND THE VAMPIRES (Volume One) and PETER AND THE WEREWOLVES (Volume Two)!Tragedy has struck Peter’s best friend Dill. In his effort to help, Grandfather might have actually made things worse. But help is on the way in the form of a new ally, and important information surfaces that might explain the Curse now haunting Peter and his family. In this volume, Peter battles more supernatural mayhem, including:A scientist who pieces together a family of monstrous creations…A pack of small creatures that kill the local baker, and plan to make Peter their next victim…Peter’s own dark side, which rears its ugly head in a violent rampage…A mysterious ‘snow demon’ out of Native American legend that menaces Peter on a ski trip…And a couple of ‘walking dead’ who try to put Peter in the morgue during a visit to the hospital. The PETER AND THE VAMPIRES series is for teens and adults who, when they were kids, were looking for stories that kicked butt. The protagonist might be young, but the stories are dark, funny, and edge-of-your-seat suspenseful.PETER AND THE FRANKENSTEIN is the third in an ongoing series that includes PETER AND THE VAMPIRES (Volume 1) and PETER AND THE WEREWOLVES (Volume 2). This book is 150,000 words (450+ pages) and contains some mild language, violence, and scary situations.

    You should not have touched this flyer with your bare hands. NO, don't put it down. It's too late. They're watching you. My name is David Wong. My best friend is John. Those names are fake. You might want to change yours. You may not want to know about the things you'll read on these pages, about the sauce, about Korrok, about the invasion, and the future. But it's too late. You touched the book. You're in the game. You're under the eye. The only defense is knowledge. You need to read this book, to the end. Even the part with the bratwurst. Why? You just have to trust me.The important thing is this: The drug is called Soy Sauce and it gives users a window into another dimension. John and I never had the chance to say no. You still do. I'm sorry to have involved you in this, I really am. But as you read about these terrible events and the very dark epoch the world is about to enter as a result, it is crucial you keep one thing in mind: None of this was my fault.

    Or not. No, definitely not, because the grim reaper's lost his job. He's been stripped of his scythe and banned from reaping. The angel of death has officially fallen, and he's crash-landed at 24/7 Demon Mart.It doesn't take long for DeeDee, Lloyd, and Kevin to figure out that living with the angel of death isn't easy. Lost souls. Angry exes. Ancient curses. Will the grim reaper ever get his afterlife together? The outlook is not so good.The reaper isn't the only angel who's out of sorts. Lloyd's devilish boss Faust hasn't been the same since a tentacle monster spit him out of an alternate dimension, and his ex-girlfriend tried to start the zombie apocalypse. And Angel eight ball? He's having a hell of a time juggling a terrible new boss and saving Lloyd from eternal damnation.As unreaped souls stack up and the specter of death looms larger, what's the Demon Mart crew to do? Find out in this grim reaper comedy.

    Some live boring. Some even die boring. Fred managed to do all three, and when he woke up as a vampire, he did so as a boring one. Timid, socially awkward, and plagued by self-esteem issues, Fred has never been the adventurous sort.One fateful night – different from the night he died, which was more inconvenient than fateful – Fred reconnects with an old friend at his high school reunion. This rekindled relationship sets off a chain of events thrusting him right into the chaos that is the parahuman world, a world with chipper zombies, truck driver wereponies, maniacal necromancers, ancient dragons, and now one undead accountant trying his best to “survive.” Because even after it’s over, life can still be a downright bloody mess.

    She resides in Limbo City, the modern capital of the collective afterlives, where she likes to stick it to the man (the legendary Grim Reaper himself) by harvesting the bare minimum of souls required of her. She’d much rather be hanging out with Gabriel, her favorite archangel, at Purgatory Lounge. But when a shocking promotion falls in Lana's lap, she learns something that could unravel the very fabric of Eternity. If the job isn’t completed, there could be some real hell to pay.

    The dead are called Histories, and the vast realm in which they rest is the Archive.Da first brought Mackenzie Bishop here four years ago, when she was twelve years old, frightened but determined to prove herself. Now Da is dead, and Mac has grown into what he once was: a ruthless Keeper, tasked with stopping often violent Histories from waking up and getting out. Because of her job, she lies to the people she loves, and she knows fear for what it is: a useful tool for staying alive.Being a Keeper isn't just dangerous—it's a constant reminder of those Mac has lost, Da's death was hard enough, but now that her little brother is gone too, Mac starts to wonder about the boundary between living and dying, sleeping and waking. In the Archive, the dead must never be disturbed. And yet, someone is deliberately altering Histories, erasing essential chapters. Unless Mac can piece together what remains, the Archive itself may crumble and fall.In this haunting, richly imagined novel, Victoria Schwab reveals the thin lines between past and present, love and pain, trust and deceit, unbearable loss and hard-won redemption.

    she used to be a Demon Hunter.Now retired, she's more interested in the domestic than the demonic. So when she catches sight of a demon in Walmart, she tells herself it's some other Hunter's problem. But when that demon attacks her in her kitchen, retirement is no longer an option.Now Kate has to kick a little demon butt, figure out why the creatures are trying to take her out and take over her home town, and at the same time take care of her 2-year-old, deal with a hormonal 14-year-old, get the family to Mass on time, and try to keep her past a secret from her daughter and her husband.She's a little out of practice, but hey ... if she can juggle two kids and an impromptu dinner party, ridding the town of demons should be a piece of cake. Like the saying goes, Carpe Demon ... and Kate intends to do just that.

     Joe was just an average guy with an office job, a synthesizer band, and crush on a girl in the marketing department, until a horrible misunderstanding on a date with friends turned him into a real-life vampire. It didn’t take long for him to find out the afterlife isn’t nearly as glamorous as he’s been led to believe; it ruined his already-struggling love life, damaged things with his best friend, and pushed him away from his crazy family. So he’s letting the whole world know what it’s really like to be a card-carrying member of the undead, fighting his ridiculous situation every step of the way. But not everyone is happy to find out the truth, and for every ally he finds in the vampire world, there’s an enemy lurking in the real one, just waiting for a chance to show Joe a little vampire truth of their own... What readers are saying: "The vampire's humanity that Anne Rice strives for in The Vampire Chronicles? [Luna] captures it perfectly and smartly in his modern tale of the supernatural everyman." "I absolutely loved this book. It was full of witty sarcasm, humor, heartbreak and suspense." "Joe Vampire is a laugh out loud hysterical, sometimes poignant, read. I recommend this book to anyone looking for a funny, sarcastic look at the undead life." "I laughed out loud several times reading this book and giggled so many times my husband made me leave the room to go read elsewhere!"

    With no idea how to cure himself of this odd new compulsion, he decides to let it take its course and go for a drive, hoping that once he proves to himself that there is nowhere to go, he can return to his normal life. Instead, he finds himself hurled headlong into a nightmare adventure across a fractured Wisconsin as the dream reveals itself one heart-pounding detail at a time. <br><br>Horror, science fiction, dark fantasy. From the author of The Temple of the Blind. 84,000 words.

    Now, they've been recruited by a leprechaun who loves IKEA and a centuries-old wizard (who may or may not think he’s Gandalf) to break the evil vampire dwarf’s curse and save the town… The thing is, there are a lot of weird and frightening things sneaking around their town, and not all of them are friendly. Cats the size of ponies. Ponies that eat people. Little people that eat people, and who have horrible taste in hats. And, pom-pom girls with goat feet. All-in-all, it’s a pretty messed up situation, and it looks like Colin and Jesse are the only ones who can do anything about it – which makes it even more messed up. But if they fail, it could mean an end to their town… and an even bloodier end for Colin and Jesse. About “Colin McCool and the Vampire Dwarf”: “Colin McCool and the Vampire Dwarf” is an exciting new entry among fantasy adventure books for kids 9-12, and is a unique and entertaining addition to the YA books genre. If you enjoy vampire books for kids or kids adventure books, then you’ll love the Colin McCool children’s fantasy book series. “Colin McCool and the Vampire Dwarf” classifies as middle grade fiction for ages 9 and up, grade levels 4 and up.

    Giles has spent her life mining the ruins of the elves who vanished from the Four Kingdoms a thousand years ago. But when her patrons begin disappearing too—and then turning up dead—she finds herself unemployed, restless, and desperate. So she goes looking for other missing things: as a bounty hunter. Tracking her first fugitive—the distractingly handsome and strangely charming Alric—she unearths a dangerous underworld of warring crime lords, demonic squirrels, and a long-lost elven artifact capable of unleashing a hell on earth.Chased, robbed, kidnapped, and distressingly low on rent money, Taryn just wants one quiet beer and to catch her fugitive. But there’s more to Alric than his wicked grin—is he a wanted man or the city’s only hope? With menacing mages in pursuit and her three alcoholic faery sidekicks always in her hair, Taryn’s curiosity might finally solve the mystery of the elves… or be the death of her and destroy her world.

    At her sixteenth birthday party, held in the basement of her dad’s church, she finally finds the courage to talk to him. Turns out, the devastating crush is mutual.As Avery takes her hand and leads her out onto the makeshift dance floor, Zellie is overwhelmed by her first vision of his death; shocking because not only are they both covered in his blood, but they’re old, like thirty-five, and she is pregnant.Afraid to tell anyone about the vision, (she’d just be labeled a freaky black magic witch, right?) Zellie keeps the knowledge of Avery’s future to herself and tries to act like any other teenager in love. When they get caught on their way to a secret rendezvous by her mom and his dad, they are forbidden to see each other.Convinced that their parents are freaking out unnecessarily, Avery and Zellie vow to be together no matter what. They continue their relationship in secret until Zellie learns that their parents are just trying to prevent her and Avery from suffering like they did. The visions are hereditary, they’re dangerous, and if they stay together the visions will come true.Now Zellie must choose between severing all ties with Avery, like her mom did to prevent his father’s death, and finding a way to change Avery’s future.