You could say we're the #1 nation at being the best at greatness.But as perfect as America is in every single way, America is broken! And we can't exchange it because we're 236 years past the 30-day return window. Look around--we don't make anything anymore, we've mortgaged our future to China, and the Apologist-in-Chief goes on world tours just to bow before foreign leaders. Worse, the L.A. Four Seasons Hotel doesn't even have a dedicated phone button for the Spa. You have to dial an extension! Where did we lose our way?!It's high time we restored America to the greatness it never lost!Luckily, AMERICA AGAIN will singlebookedly pull this country back from the brink. It features everything from chapters, to page numbers, to fonts. Covering subject's ranging from healthcare ("I shudder to think where we'd be without the wide variety of prescription drugs to treat our maladies, such as think-shuddering") to the economy ("Life is giving us lemons, and we're shipping them to the Chinese to make our lemon-flavored leadonade") to food ("Feel free to deep fry this book—it's a rich source of fiber"), Stephen gives America the dose of truth it needs to get back on track.

    No era or tome emerges unscathbed as Beaton rightly skewers the Western world's revolutionaries, leaders, sycophants, and suffragists while equally honing her wit on the hapless heroes, heroines, and villains of the best-loved fiction. She deftly points out what really happened when Brahms fell asleep listening to Liszt, that the world's first hipsters were obviously the Incroyables and the Merveilleuses from eighteenth-century France, that Susan B. Anthony is, of course, a "Samantha," and that the polite banality of Canadian culture never gets old. Hark! A Vagrant features sexy Batman, the true stories behind classic Nancy Drew covers, and Queen Elizabeth doing the albatross. As the 5600.000 unique monthly visitors to harkavagrant.com already know, no one turns the ironic absurdities of history and literature into comedic fodder as hilarious as Beaton.

    I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way: I share my adventures with the world. —from the IntroductionActual reader feedback: "I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist." "I'll stay with God as my lord, but you are my savior. I just finished reading your brilliant stories, and I laughed so hard I almost vomited. I want to bring that kind of joy to people. You're an artist of the highest order and a true humanitarian to boot. I'm in both shock and awe at how much I want to be you." Now with 16 Pages of Photos and a New Introduction

    It’s time to jump in, embrace your inner self, and release the things that are holding you back from wholeness. Enter the Millenneagram.The Enneagram is an ancient personality typing system that has a sneaky way of revealing who we are and why we do the things we do. Using nine types, it gets to the root of our fears and motivations, unveiling our inner-most selves.Millenneagram reinvigorates the Enneagram by putting a modern spin on the classic nine types. Hannah Paasch, creator of the popular #millenneagream threads on Twitter, reveals how this system acts as a map toward our authentic selves. For Hannah, the Enneagram is not about changing who we are, but rather nurturing and loving our whole selves, even the pain in the ass qualities. “Only from this position of wholeness, rootedness in who we are, what we believe, and what kind of story we are writing, will we be able to act bravely for the sake of justice and humanity – to approach our f*cked-up world with the grounded courage it asks of us.”With her trademark irreverent humor and empowering affirmations, Millenneagram reframes the classic Enneagram types with a fresh perspective and new names that cut right to the chase:#1 The Machine “I’m an Enneagram 1 and I Can Fix This!”#2 The Parent “I’m an Enneagram 2 and Can I Get You a Refill?”#3 The Winner “I’m an Enneagram 3 and All I Do Is Win.”#4 The Tortured Artist “I’m an Enneagram 4 and I’m Deeper Than You.”#5 The Detective “I’m an Enneagram 5 and I Read an Article About That.”#6 The Oracle “I’m an Enneagram 6 and I’m Loyal as Fuck.”#7 The Party “I’m an Enneagram 7 so This Might Be Vodka In My Mug.”#8 The Dragon “I’m an Enneagram 8 so Nice Try, Bitch.”#9 The Wallflower “I’m an Enneagram 9 so Let’s Just All Chill Out, Dude.”A powerful tool for self-discovery (that doesn’t take itself too seriously), Millenneagram is an invitation for introspection and growth. Hannah’s revamped Enneagram goes beyond simply identifying with a type: it gives us permission to be our truest, enough-as-is, bad-ass selves.

    ("fresh off the boat")Does your mom still make Peking duck instead of turkey on Thanksgiving, own a giant cleaver, or take twenty-four more napkins than she needs at Chipotle?Your mom may be a fob.Through their hit blog "My Mom Is a Fob," Teresa and Serena Wu have seized ownership of this formerly derogatory term, applying it instead to the heartfelt, hilarious, and thoroughly unique ways that Asian mothers adapt to American culture, from the perspective of those who love them most: their children.Through texts, emails, phone calls, and more, My Mom Is a Fob showcases the stories of a community of Asian-American kids who know exactly what it's like to be on the receiving end of that amazing, unconditional, and sometimes misspelled love. It's about those Asian mothers who refuse to get in the car without their sun-protective arm sheaths, the ones who send us passive-aggressive text messages "from the dog" in hopes that we'll call home, and email us unsolicited advice about everything from homosexuality to constipation. In these pages you'll find solace in the fact that thousands of moms out there are as painfully nosy, unintentionally hilarious, and endearingly fobby as yours is.

    Given the choice, he'll go on vacation to Devon or Wales or, if pushed, eat English food on a package tour of the Mediterranean. So what happened when he was convinced by Gervais and Merchant to go on an epic adventure to see the Seven Wonders of the World? Does travel truly broaden the mind? Find out in Karl Pilkington's hilarious travel diaries.

    He has, as they say, been around a bit. And as a result, he's got one or two things to tell us about how it all works; and being Jeremy Clarkson he's not about to voice them quietly, humbly and without great dollops of humour.In The World According to Clarkson, he reveals why it is that:Too much science is bad for our health'70s rock music is nothing to be ashamed ofHunting foxes while drunk and wearing night-sights is neither big nor cleverWe must work harder to get rid of cricketHe likes the Germans (well, sometimes)With a strong dose of common sense that is rarely, if ever, found inside the M25, Clarkson hilariously attacks the pompous, the ridiculous, the absurd and the downright idiotic, whilst also celebrating the eccentric, the clever and the sheer bloody brilliant.Less a manifesto for living and more a road map to modern life, The World According to Clarkson is the funniest book you'll read this year. Don't leave home without it.

    Afraid of looking like an idiot? Alexandra Petri lost Jeopardy! by answering “Who is that dude?” on national TV. Afraid of bad jokes? Alexandra Petri won an international pun championship.Petri has been a debutante, reenacted the Civil War, and fended off suitors at a Star Wars convention while wearing a Jabba the Hutt suit. One time, she let some cult members she met on the street baptize her, just to be polite. She’s a connoisseur of the kind of awkwardness that most people spend whole lifetimes trying to avoid. If John Hodgman and Amy Sedaris had a baby…they would never let Petri babysit it.But Petri is here to tell you: Everything you fear is not so bad. Trust her. She’s tried it. And in the course of her misadventures, she’s learned that there are worse things out there than awkwardness—and that interesting things start to happen when you stop caring what people think.

    Tim explains the fear factor in the game, and what it feels like to get hit by a pitch; Adam LaRoche wanted to throw up in the batter's box. He examines the game's superstitions: Eliot Johnson's choice of bubble gum, a poker chip in Sean Burnett's back pocket. He unearths the unwritten rules of the game, takes readers inside ESPN, and reveals how Tony Gwynn made baseball so much more fun to watch.And, of course, Tim will explain to readers why he is fascinated by sacrifice flies.

    Inspired by one of the most shared New Yorker pieces of all time, this collection captures the reality of life once the spark of a relationship has settled--and hilariously so. With brand new pieces that cover all areas of married life, from parental gripes to dwindling sex lives, Kenney's wry observations and sharp humor remind us exactly what it's like to spend the rest of your life with the person you love.I was almost feeling fondness for you As you gave me a shoulder massage at the sink-- What a small, lovely surprise. And then you grabbed my boobs and made a "wha-wha" noise. In an instant, I felt disgust and sadness and regret.

    He lands an enviable gig writing about shopping and fashion for the city’s major newspaper, but an ill-fated promotional junket gets Albo into hot water. He becomes a gossip item and finds himself caught in an acrimonious war between Old and New Media. Here's a gimlet-eyed account of the back-biting media scene, a glimpse into the inner workings of the fashion crowd, and a candid portrait of what it takes to survive as a writer in today’s chattering and watchful New York City."I was perilously close to exposing a secret underground economy of promotion: favors and junkets and banquets and gifts that keeps the city in motion, and keeps underpaid writers at work. Basically, I became the Silkwood of Swag."

    Dale Comstock is a Delta Force Operator - a member of America's secret army; the most enigmatic and combat tested elite counter-terrorism unit in the world. In his action packed story we journey with him from boyhood to manhood into a world of extreme violence where he learns the values of hard work, sacrifice, and love of family. As he succeeds and fails as a Delta Force Operator, Green Beret, husband and father, he elevates the meaning of being an American to being an American Badass.

    Bad Boys Finish First: How to Stop Being the Nice Guy and Become the Man Women Can’t Resist will explain the evolutionary basis for why women love jerks--and how you can turn that to your advantage. Bad Boys Finish First offers easy, proven dating tips any guy can follow. Whether your goal is seduction or a lasting relationship, you’ll discover how to awaken the deepest desires in any woman. Inside the Book: How to be comfortable with your own masculinity The importance of not investing in any one woman Why you should tell her she looks fat in that dress The power of making statements, not asking questions The tests all women will give you--and how to pass them, every time And much more!You CAN escape the friendzone. Grab Bad Boys Finish First today, and watch as women flock to your side!

    Bishop explains how our destructive cycles come down to the way that we’re wired. He then identifies different types of people and the ways we fu*k ourselves over: We can’t save money. We land in the same type of toxic relationship. We’re stuck in a rut at work. Analyzing why we act the way we do, including what our common grenades are that blow up our lives, Bishop then shows how we can interrupt the cycle and stop self-sabotaging our lives.Written in the same in your face style as Unfu*k Yourself, Stop Doing that Sh*t will help us get in touch with our psychological machinery so we learn to interrupt negative thoughts and behavior before they start, allowing us to give our attention to something else, and start to find success in the areas we thought we never could.We can take back our lives. We may have fu*ked up in the past, but Stop Doing That Sh*t will show us how to break the patterns in order to live the lives we yearn to have.

     Marvel at the thief who steals electrical wires without shutting off the current. Gape at the lawnchair jockey who floats to a height of 16,000 feet suspended by helium balloons. Learn from the man who peers into a gasoline can using a cigarette lighter. All three -- and many more -- contend for Darwin Awards when their choices culminate in magnificent misadventures. These tales of trial and awe-inspiring error--verified by the author and endorsed by website readers--illustrate the ongoing saga of survival of the fittest in all its selective glory.