. . or if it’s because he’s been dead for three centuries (nothing personal)?  Have you tried to coax him out of his crypt with a flash of your neck or a near-death situation that requires him to save you at the very last possible moment?  Have you ever considered what it will be like to introduce him to your mother?Even though your vampire’s skin is transfixingly translucent, he can still be very hard to read.  Sometimes he’s simply holding back his true feelings, resisting the urge to bite you in the chance that one day you will truly love him.  And other times . . . well, he’s just not that into you.How can you tell?  Undead dating specialist Vlad Mezrich has all the answers, utilizing quizzes, Top Ten lists, language analysis, real-life (and real-death) testimonials, and fancy charts to show you what you need to do in order to get your vampire and keep him forever.  Once you go vamp, you never decamp – so let this eternally rewarding book show you the way to the vampire of your dreams.

    Written by Alex Hirsch. As told by Shmebulock.Illustrated by Asaf Hanuka, Dana Terrace, Ian Worrel, Jacob Chabot, Jim Campbell, Joe Pitt, Kyle Smeallie, Meredith Gran, Mike Holmes, Priscilla Tang, Serina Hernandez, Stephanie Ramirez, and Valerie Halla.

    Willing to risk everything for a chance at a normal life, Roseline escapes to America, but her transition into the human world isn't easy. Mortal men flock after her while cutthroat girls plot her demise. Yet she remains relatively unfazed until she meets Gabriel Marston. As their lives entwine, Roseline realizes he is more than he seems. His ability to grind concrete into dust pales in comparison to the glowing cross tattoo that mysteriously appears on his forearms. Despite the forbidden bond between them, Roseline can't help wondering what Gabriel is. He's not human. He's not immortal. So just what is he?Reckoning: Gabriel is gone. Roseline is left with questions that refuse answers and only the memory of a man she vows to hunt and kill, but to do so, she must call a truce with her sworn enemy.Together, Roseline and Nicolae track Fane to the underbelly of London, in search of Gabriel’s kidnappers, but when Malachi- an Immortal with mystifying origin- presents himself as their guide, Roseline discovers she is not the only one looking for Gabriel. Buried within the secret chambers of the infamous Hellfire Club, Roseline discovers a grim truth: Gabriel isn’t just a pawn being used by the Arotas prophecy, and those who seek to control its power. He is Arotas. Everything Roseline has ever known about her brethren is about to change. Emotions flare, friendships sever and the newly formed bonds between enemies are tested as she delves into realms hardly conceived. They are trapped in the midst of a battle that has been waging since the beginning of time. The prophecy binds them all together. But will they break before the end?Redemption:Roseline Enescue has always been a warrior, the fiercest of her kind, but when she is stripped of her strength and left teetering on the edge of insanity, she is forced to rely on the one person she trusts the least. As Fane and Nicolae fight to save Sadie’s life, they find themselves pulled into a tremulous truce between hunter and immortal when a string of gruesome murders break out. The lines have been drawn and the battle preparations have begun, but only Gabriel can save them all…if he can survive the final two tasks. The first battle may be over, but the war has only just begun. Redemption is coming…

    Imagine, then, the excitement that Howard Carson, an amateur archeologist at best, experienced when in crossing the perimeter of an abandoned excavation site he felt the ground give way beneath him and found himself at the bottom of a shaft, which, judging from the DO NOT DISTURB sign hanging from an archaic doorknob, was clearly the entrance to a still-sealed burial chamber. Carson's incredible discoveries, including the remains of two bodies, one of then on a ceremonial bed facing an altar that appeared to be a means of communicating with the Gods and the other lying in a porcelain sarcophagus in the Inner Chamber, permitted him to piece together the whole fabric of that extraordinary civilization.

    He has only one friend, Earl, and together they spend their time making movies, their own incomprehensible versions of Coppola and Herzog cult classics.Until Greg’s mother forces him to rekindle his childhood friendship with Rachel.Rachel has been diagnosed with leukemia—-cue extreme adolescent awkwardness—-but a parental mandate has been issued and must be obeyed. When Rachel stops treatment, Greg and Earl decide the thing to do is to make a film for her, which turns into the Worst Film Ever Made and becomes a turning point in each of their lives.And all at once Greg must abandon invisibility and stand in the spotlight.

    Book 1 is about Hannah, who spent her early days in an orphanage and is now a scullery maid in the house of rich, powerful family. She is irresistibly drawn to the sea and through a series of accidents and encounters discovers her true identity. Hannah realizes that she must keep the truth a secret but she also knows that soon she will have to make the choice - to be a creature of the land or the sea.

    At first the ever-practical Joy is ready to dismiss her vision as a product of too much gin and too many vampire romances, but while traveling through the Czech Republic with Roxy, Joy begins to have some second thoughts about her mystery lover because she is suddenly plagued by visions of a lethally handsome stranger. Then, when she and Roxy attend a local GothFaire, Joy meets Raphael Griffin St. John, head of security, and she becomes even more bewildered because the dark and dangerous Raphael seems too close to her dreams for comfort.

    A good man, perhaps; a font of arcane power, certainly. But he’s brilliantly dim. Frankly, he couldn’t deduce his way out of a paper bag. The only thing he has really got going for him are the might of a thousand demons and his stalwart flatmate. Thankfully, Dr. Watson is always there to aid him through the treacherous shoals of Victorian propriety… and save him from a gruesome death every now and again.An imaginative, irreverent and addictive reimagining of the world’s favourite detective, Warlock Holmes retains the charm, tone and feel of the original stories by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle while finally giving the flat at 221b Baker Street what it’s been missing for all these years: an alchemy table.Reimagining six stories, this riotous mash-up is a glorious new take on the ever-popular Sherlock Holmes myth, featuring the vampire Inspector Vladislav Lestrade, the ogre Inspector Torg Grogsson, and Dr. Watson, the true detective at 221b. And Sherlock. A warlock.

    With a little brother who has cancer, it's all she ever hears about. And in order to help Jeremy, she will go to the ends of the earth (or at least as far as Hollywood) to help him believe he can survive his upcoming surgery. But Annika's plan to convince Jeremy that a magic genie will grant him any wish throws her a curveball when he unexpectedly wishes that his television idol would visit him. Annika suddenly finds herself in the desperate predicament of getting access to a hunky star actor and convincing him to come home with her. Piece of cake, right? Janette Rallison's proven talent for laugh-out-loud humor, teen romance, and deep-hearted storytelling shines in a novel that will have readers laughing and crying at the same time.

    I never claimed to be smart, but at least I’m powerful enough to control them. When I bound Havoc to me nearly three hundred years ago, I never realized how difficult he’d make my life, although “accidentally” lighting him on fire every now and then does bring a smile to my face.Havoc is handsome, mysterious, and somehow my closest companion, even if we don’t always get along. He’s more interested in bedding attractive women than protecting my life, which defeats the main reason a mage like me would have a demon. I even had to fight off swordsmen alone once because he was too busy betting on who’d survive.When fifteen people are found dead with messages from a long-extinct cult, Havoc and I are forced to face our past and sort through our differences. We start to realize that there’s something more to this relationship, something that has kept us by each other’s sides for so long. Maybe it took three hundred years to finally understand my feelings for Havoc and realize that I can’t imagine being with anyone but him. Havoc and I will do everything we can to stop the evil that is threatening the lives of the people I care about. Or destroy everything—we haven’t quite figured that out yet.Happy Endings is a 73k word novel that has an immensely powerful mage, a shapeshifting demon with a strong libido, a dark mage that just won’t stay dead, a spray bottle put to unusual uses, armor that is most definitely not made of dragon skin, blackmail involving an unfortunate slow-mo video, a detective being pursued by a determined minotaur, unprofessional use of illusions, and an epic walk into battle.*Revised and edited.

    When the topic of grandchildren comes up during a weekly sewing circle the matriarchs of the founding families seek out the witch Elder to scry to see if their sons have mates. They are shocked to discover that many of their sons' mates are out in the world and are human!Fearing that their future human daughters-in-law will end up dead before being claimed and providing them with grandchildren to spoil, they convince their own mates that something must be done. After gathering all of the warriors together in a fake award ceremony the witch Elder casts a spell to pull the men’s mates to them, whether they want it or not.Aiden is adamant that he doesn’t need a mate and that they would only get in the way, little does he realize Fate is sending him his mate first! He meets his destined mate Meryn Evans and things go downhill from there. In the first twenty four hours she kicks, screams and knocks her bear shifting mate unconscious. They eventually discover that life before finding each other may have been good, but life afterwards is perfect, even if it involves super soaker battles and accidentally discharging hand grenades.

    Solomon has just begun work on his marvelous temple, charging Khaba, a formidable magician in his royal court, to oversee its construction. The workforce is an ill-behaved bunch of demons, a particularly unruly djinni named Bartimaeus among them. True to form, Bartimaeus promptly gets kicked off the temple project and assigned the even more miserable task of hunting bandits in the desert. There he crosses paths with Asmira, a highly skilled and loyal captain of the Queen of Sheba’s guard, on a suicidal mission to save her country from Solomon’s imminent attack. Of course, Bartimaeus has no intention of helping her. That is, until Asmira makes him an offer he cannot refuse. . . .A spellbinding addition to Jonathan Stroud’s New York Times bestselling Bartimaeus audiobooks, The Ring of Solomon brims with dazzling wit, unforgettable characters, and powerful themes of freedom and slavery, with or without magical bonds.

    Now, after hearing voices, having strange dreams of others calling out to her, and her grandfather's last words haunting her, she sets out to find other families like hers. Along with her best friend Lily, the only person outside her family to know about her gift, Keira begins a hunt for her ancestors. A chance meeting with a young man, Lucian Turner, sets them on the right track, but their discoveries change the way Keira will see herself for ever more. Fear, superstition and heritage are shaping Keira's future and she must face her enemies, even if this could mean losing her life. Through loss and love her destiny becomes inescapable. Part Buffy-style horror, part tender romance, Bloodlines will have fans of the genre on tenterhooks waiting for the next instalment of this gripping and hell-raising tale.

    Doggie laureates not only chew on quite a lot of things, they also reveal their creativity, their hidden motives, and their eternal (and sometimes misguided) effervescence through such musings as "I Dropped a Ball," "I Lose My Mind When You Leave the House," and "Can You Smell That?" Accompanied throughout by portraits of the canine poets in all their magnificence, I Could Chew on This is a work of unbridled enthusiasm, insatiable appetite, and, yes, creative genius.

    Join Broody McHottiepants as he attempts to pen Brooding YA Hero: Becoming a Main Character (Almost) as Awesome as Me, a "self-help" guide (with activities--you always need activities) that lovingly pokes fun at the YA tropes that we roll our eyes at, but secretly love. As his nefarious ex, Blondie DeMeani, attempts to thwart him at every turn, Broody overcomes to detail, among other topics, how to choose your genre, how to keep your love interest engaged (while maintaining lead character status), his secret formula for guaranteed love triangle success, and how to make sure you secure that sequel, all while keeping his hair perfectly coiffed and never breaking a sweat.