When a flying saucer crashes into his fishing hole, Jimmy tries to use the stranded survivors to jump-start his TV career. This first contact isn't accidental though. The Galactic Pool's saddest excuse for a politician has committed sabotage while plotting to rule Earth. And he's about to find out what happens when you mess with Earthlings.*81,000 words with a courteous 0.0149% F-word rate*There are sex scenes, but they are strictly telepathic. (sorry)

    In this book you will find the funniest 288 of them (with a few all-new funny pages squeezed in just because we couldn’t help ourselves). That’s page after page after page of laugh-out-loud dumb jokes, dumb jocks, toasts, pranks, kings, kittens, caboodles, and, of course, poorly translated kung-fu movie subtitles—such as. "It took my seven digestive pills to dissolve your hairy crab!” So whether you like your humor witty or witless, light or dark, or silly or sublime, you’ll laugh until your head explodes. Chortle at…Dumb crooks: The robber who ran face-first into a wall because he forgot to poke eye holes in his pillow case.Witty wordplay: If Snoop Doggy Dogg were to marry Winnie the Pooh, his name would become Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.Flubbed headlines: "British Left Waffles On House Floor”Quirky stars: Billy Idol’s concert rider demands he have one large tub of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter in his dressing room.Job Lingo: If you hear an E.R. doc mention a "VIP,” be on the lookout for a "Very Intoxicated Patient.”Comedian quips: "I wonder if deaf people have a sign for "Talk to the hand.’” --Zach GalifianakisSputtering sportscasters: "If only faces could talk.” --Pat SummerallAnd much, much more!

    The Agnes Browne Trilogy includes: * The Mammy * The Chisellers * The Granny

    M. Synge achieved both notoriety and lasting fame with The Playboy of the Western World. The Aran Islands, published in the same year, records his visits to the islands in 1898-1901, when he was gathering the folklore and anecdotes out of which he forged The Playboy and his other major dramas.Yet this book is much more than a stage in the evolution of Synge the dramatist. As Tim Robinson explains in his introduction, "If Ireland is intriguing as being an island off the west of Europe, then Aran, as an island off the west of Ireland, is still more so; it is Ireland raised to the power of two." Towards the end of the last century Irish nationalists came to identify the area as the country's uncorrupted heart, the repository of its ancient language, culture and spiritual values. It was for these reasons that Yeats suggested Synge visit the islands to record their way of life. The result is a passionate exploration of a triangle of contradictory relationships – between an island community still embedded in its ancestral ways but solicited by modernism, a physical environment of ascetic loveliness and savagely unpredictable moods, and Synge himself, formed by modern European thought but in love with the primitive.

    Over three decades he has interviewed and investigated some of the most professional, dangerous and ruthless killers in Ireland. Now Dillon explores their personalities, motivations and bizarre crimes.Many of Ireland's assassins learned their trade in fields and on hillsides in remote parts of Ireland, while others were trained in the Middle East or with Basque separatist terrorists in Spain. Some were one-target-one-shot killers, like the sniper who terrorised the inhabitants of Washington State in the autumn of 2002, while others were bombers skilled in designing the most sophisticated explosive devices and booby traps. Another more powerful group of 'trigger men' were the influential figures in the shadows, who were experts in motivating the killers under their control. All of these men, whether they squeezed the trigger on a high-powered rifle, set the timer on a bomb or used their authority to send others out to commit horrific and unspeakable acts of cruelty, are featured in this book. The Trigger Men takes the reader inside the labyrinthine world of terrorist cells and highly classified counter-terrorism units of British Military Intelligence. The individual stories are described in gripping, unflinching detail and show how the terrorists carried out their ghastly work. Dillon also explores the ideology of the cult of the gunmen and the greed and hatred that motivated assassins in their killing sprees. There are penetrating insights into the mindset of the most infamous assassins: their social and historical conditioning, their callousness......

    She's never short of advice, a kind word and a cup of tea (making sure to scald the teapot first, of course).Bring the coat anyway. If it's too hot you can take it off.Comedian Colm O'Regan explores the phenomenon of the Irish Mammy and what she might say about everything from the 'new mass' to the cardinal sin of not owning a cough bottle and the importance of airing clothes properly. The global influence of the Irish Mammy, through history, science, politics and literature, is undeniable. Did you know, for instance, that Hamlet had an Irish Mammy?So if you're an Irish Mammy, have one, know one or suspect you might be turning into one, this book will act as your guide. But be aware that though this book might think it knows it all, it doesn't, only Mammy knows it all.

    For decades your teachers, authority figures and textbooks have been lying to you. You do not have five senses. Your tongue doesn't have neatly segregated taste-bud zones. You don't know what the pyramids really looked like. You're even pooping wrong - Jesus, you're a wreck!But it's going to be okay. Because we're here to help. Packed with more sexy facts than the Encyclopedia Pornographica, the Cracked De-Textbook will teach you about the true stars of history, why you picture everything from Velociraptors to Ancient Rome incorrectly, and finally, at long last - how to pop a proper squat. This book was built from the ground up to systematically seek out, dismantle and destroy the many untruths that years of misguided education have left festering inside of you, and leave you a smarter person...whether you like it or not. The De-Textbook is a merciless, brutal learning machine. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are informed.

    Alone and pregnant. Bridget gave birth to a boy, John, who died at the home less than two years later. Her second child was once again delivered into the care of the nuns and was taken from her. She would go on to marry a wonderful man and have a daughter Anna Corrigan, but it was only after Bridget's death that Anna discovered she had two brothers her mother had never spoken about. Anna became compelled to try and uncover any information she could about her baby brothers. What followed was the revelation that the remains of 796 babies were buried on the site of the Tuam Mother and Baby Home. Anna was left to wonder, were her brothers among them? Here, with Alison O'Reilly, she pieces together the mystery.

    . . and then broke? How would you survive? Could you improve on humanity's original timeline? And how hard would it be to domesticate a giant wombat? With this book as your guide, you'll survive--and thrive--in any period in Earth's history. Bestselling author and time-travel enthusiast Ryan North shows you how to invent all the modern conveniences we take for granted--from first principles. This illustrated manual contains all the science, engineering, art, philosophy, facts, and figures required for even the most clueless time traveler to build a civilization from the ground up. Deeply researched, irreverent, and significantly more fun than being eaten by a saber-toothed tiger, How to Invent Everything will make you smarter, more competent, and completely prepared to become the most important and influential person ever.

    Offering history and etymology along with guidance, quips, insults, answers to lingering questions, and much more, How to Swear celebrates the rude ingenuity of using a naughty word to express surprise, excitement, anger, joy, or disgust, limited only by the imagination. It's inspiring. It's educational. It's dirty. It's here to change lives or, at the very least, add some f*#&ing color to the conversation.

    She then promises to stop making terrible food analogies about everything.From terrifying hen nights, malevolent dolphins and angry bakers, to runaway cats, a stalker who won't commit and the curse of over-politeness, Maeve writes with warmth and wit about what it's like to be a regular human girl. And, crucially, she finally reveals the truth about her relationship with Michael Fassbender.We Have a Good Time...Don't We? introduces a strikingly original voice that celebrates the truth of what we really feel about ourselves through these hilarious and perceptive snapshots of a life considered.

    Nobody remembers when it started; rain on the western seaboard is a condition of living. But now – just as Father Coffey proclaims the coming of the electricity – the rain clouds are lifting. Seventeen-year-old Noel Crowe is idling in the unexpected sunshine when Christy makes his first entrance into Faha, bringing secrets he needs to atone for. Though he can't explain it, Noel knows right then: something has changed. As the people of Faha anticipate the endlessly procrastinated advent of the electricity, and Noel navigates his own coming-of-age and his fallings in and out of love, Christy's past gradually comes to light, casting a new glow on a small world. Harking back to a simpler time, This Is Happiness is a tender portrait of a community – its idiosyncrasies and traditions, its paradoxes and kindnesses, its failures and triumphs – and a coming-of-age tale like no other. Luminous and lyrical, yet anchored by roots running deep into the earthy and everyday, it is about the power of stories: their invisible currents that run through all we do, writing and rewriting us, and the transforming light that they throw onto our world.

    The boost of vitamins, nutrients, minerals & antioxidants will start restoring you to your natural balance by cleansing & detoxing with the result being that you feel happier & more energetic than you've felt in a long time!As well as feeling amazing & so full of energy, you'll very soon notice the weight dropping off & your skin looking incredibly radiant.Furthermore, you'll find your that blood pressure & cholesterol levels will drop to optimum healthy levels. Your organ health, metabolism & immune system will all get that boost that you so much desire. It goes without saying that you'll have a longer, happier & healthy life.All of these benefits (& so much more) in the time it takes to throw a few ingredients into a big cup & with a quick & simple press of a button!Nutribullet smoothies are powerful because they extract every last drop of goodness that your raw & natural produce have to offer. You'll be shocked when you realise how much nutritional value you throw away by taking off the skin, stem & seeds from fruit & veg.Incidently, this is a great way to get your kids to have their fruit and vegetables with all of the vitamins, minerals & nutrients they need in a very quick & delicious way. They may even enjoy making the smoothies themselves!Nutribullet Recipe Book concentrates on seven main areas of smoothie recipes:- Healthy Heart- Detoxification- Weight Loss- Radiant Skin- Energy Boost- Anti-Aging- Super FoodsThe Nutribullet recipes include:- Chia Seed Rainforest Smoothie- Berry Breakfast Smoothie- Flat Belly Smoothie- Smoothie for Radiant Skin- Shamrock Smoothie- Antioxidant Anti-Aging Smoothie- Raw Mint Chocolate Smoothie- Bananarama SmoothieTake a step towards a longer, healthier & happier life. A life with more energy, more time & less weight. Your new radiance &that confidence awaits you. You won't regret buying the Nutribullet Recipe Book!

    These workplace disasters bring out the voyeurism, Schadenfreude, and plain old warped sense of humor in all of us. And so . . . from my naïve colleague who called our CEO a dildo, to the employee caught on videotape licking door handles in the company parking garage, their stories must be told! “...the entertainment factor is consistent and the laughs should come easily for readers who fancy the awkwardness of workplace weirdness... Ideal for readers who need a refresher course on the consequences of impropriety.” - Kirkus Reviews

    But if you can handle a frank and funny look into the minds and hearts of Irish people, you've been touched by that fabled Irish luck. Covering all things Irish from Blarney to Yeats, renowned literary and cultural critic Terry Eagleton separates the myths from the reality with his priceless blend of sidesplitting humor, caustic commentary, and the honest lowdown on the beloved and bewildering country of Ireland.