Smart phones can make us look really dumb! Get this e-book and laugh your #@% off at what happens when you don't double-check before you hit send! Please Note: Some profanity, not for children!

    Heather and Morag just want to start the first radical fairy punk rock band, but first they’ll have make a match between two highly unlikely sweethearts, start a street brawl between rival gangs of Italian, Chinese, and African fairies, help the ghost of a dead rocker track down his lost guitar, reclaim a rare triple-bloomed Welsh poppy from a bag lady with delusions of grandeur, disrupt a local community performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, and somehow manage to stay sober enough to save all of New York from an invasion of evil Cornish fairies.If they can stop feuding with each other, that is.

    Johannes Cabal, a brilliant scientist and notorious snob, is single-mindedly obsessed in heart and soul with raising the dead. Well, perhaps not "soul" . . . He hastily sold his years ago in order to learn the laws of necromancy. But now, tormented by a dark secret, he travels to the fiery pits of Hell to retrieve it. Satan, who is incredibly bored these days, proposes a little wager: Johannes has one year to persuade one hundred people to sign over their souls or he will be damned forever. To make the bet even more interesting, Satan throws in that diabolical engine of deceit, seduction, and corruption known as a "traveling circus" to aid in the evil bidding. What better place exists to rob poor sad saps of their souls than the traveling carnivals historically run by hucksters and legendary con men? With little time to lose, Johannes raises a motley crew from the dead and enlists his brother, Horst, a charismatic vampire (an unfortunate side effect of Johannes's early experiments with necromancy), to be the carnival's barker. On the road through the pastoral English countryside, this team of reprobates wields their black magic with masterful ease, resulting in mayhem at every turn. Johannes may have the moral conscience of anthrax, but are his tricks sinful enough to beat the Devil at his own game? You'll never guess, and that's a promise! Brilliantly written and wickedly funny, "Johannes Cabal the Necromancer" combines the chills and thrills of old-fashioned gothic tales like "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow," the mischievous humor of "Wicked," and the sophisticated charms of" Jonathan Strange &Mr. Norrell "and spins the Faustian legend into a fresh, irreverent, and irresistible new adventure.

    . . In the seedy environs of 1980s Glasgow, Scotland, it takes guts to be a cop. DI Luc Kidston has guts—though he also has a weak spot thanks to his fear of heights. Now he must focus on finding a samurai sword–wielding vigilante—and untangling the case of one of his protégés, who’s been arrested for allegedly putting a woman into a coma.Solving both problems will lead Kidston to take some unorthodox steps, including hiring a forensic hypnotist. It will also bring him into conflict with his own colleagues and lead him to fight for his life in a terrifying showdown . . .

    The only problem is – she hasn’t told her husband. So at weekends she’s a dutiful wife in Darlington, working at the local deli and making shepherd’s pie for dinner, but during the week she’s living in her new mansion in Leeds spending her days shopping whilst her husband thinks she’s looking after her sick mother. Will she get the courage to tell him before he finds out for himself? And can several million pounds in your bank account save a failing marriage?

    Told in the same fanciful, irreverent style as the Hitchhiker trilogy, with scraps of scripts, letters and comments from Adams, Don't Panic is the perfect companion to one of the most successful series in publishing history.

    With the Nazis recently defeated, Stalin gathers half a dozen of the top Soviet science fiction authors in a dacha in the countryside. Convinced that the defeat of America is only a few years away—and equally convinced that the Soviet Union needs a massive external threat to hold it together—Stalin orders the writers to compose a massively detailed and highly believable story about an alien race poised to invade the earth. The little group of writers gets down to the task and spends months working until new orders come from Moscow to immediately halt the project. The scientists obey and live their lives until, in the aftermath of Chernobyl, the survivors gather again, because something strange has happened: the story they invented in 1946 is starting to come true.

    Instead he finds his hometown an empty shell of what it once was. Dave finds it's also a more dangerous valley after an attempt on his life by members of the guerrilla band who have taken control of the town. He's come home for peace but found another war, with gang leader Jedd Scott. So be it. One thing Dave knows a lot about is war. After a desperate shoot-out, Scott escapes from Quiet Valley with his gang only to find that wherever he goes, Dave Kramer is hot on his trail. Now it s Dave's turn to hunt the hunter and only one will survive.

    Next Saturday in fact. Just after Any Answers on Radio 4….Events have been set in motion to bring about the End of Days. The armies of Good and Evil are gathering and making their way towards the sleepy English village of Lower Tadfield. The Four Horsepersons of the Apocalypse - War, Famine, Pollution and Death - are assembling. Witchfinder Shadwell and his assistant Newton Pulsifier are also en route to Tadfield to investigate unusual phenomena in the area, while Anathema Device, descendent of prophetess Agnes Nutter, tries to decipher her ancestor’s cryptic predictions.Atlantis is rising; fish are falling from the sky; everything seems to be going to the Divine Plan. Everything, that is, but for an unlikely angel and demon duo, who have been living on Earth for several millennia and have become rather fond of the place. If they are to prevent Armageddon they’ve got to find and kill the one who will bring it about: the Antichrist himself. There’s just one small problem: someone seems to have mislaid him…Adapted, sound designed and co-directed by Dirk Maggs (Neverwhere, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) this first ever dramatisation of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman’s novel features a large cast including Peter Serafinowicz, Mark Heap, Josie Lawrence and Paterson Joseph.

    He has released several records, including one with Bob Marley and the Wailers. His plays have been widely performed, and he has presented, appeared in, or been the subject of, numerous TV programs, including the East Enders. His other poetry books include The Dread Affair and City Psalms (Bloodaxe/Dufour).

    Snakes. Alligators. Tears in the skin of the universe.” Susan shrugged. “I think I saw a kraken in the sink, too.”Find a missing book. That was the job the woman in the Doc Martens gave us.Easy money, right?Only now it seems she’s actually an ancient, powerful sorcerer, and the book is a Book of Power that doesn’t want to be found.It wants to tear reality apart at the seams, and it’ll use anyone it can to do it.So now we’ve got one spectacularly displeased sorcerer, a hungry, still-missing book, a dentist with bad hygiene, and a neighbourhood having some reality issues to deal with.Plus about a day before the book turns our world – and us – inside out.We’ve totally got this.I hope.This is the first book in the Gobbelino London, PI urban fantasy series, centred around the adventures of a mercenary feline PI and his human sidekick. It contains snarky cats and other gods, many bad jokes and terrible puns, plus a large serving of mythological and real creatures behaving badly. It will appeal to anyone who likes their fantasy funny, modern, and filled with friendship rather than romance - and also to those who suspect their cat may be living a great and secret life when they're not looking.A Scourge of Pleasantries contains some violence, particularly toward furniture, but none of it is graphic. It contains no sex and only mild language. It does, however, contain blasphemy.

     Cupid’s have targets other than human hearts… After cheating on her monthly figures, Samara finds herself sent back to Cupid training school by the big boss himself. If she’s to pass her probation, she’ll have to prove she is capable of creating genuine love matches. But things don’t get off to a great start when she finds out that pets aren’t allowed in school. Difficult when your husband has been turned into a Whippet until you’ve proven yourself. Someone should have known that the crazy, stupid, lazy, cupid would try to find a short cut. It’s a walk in the park to create new romances, and she can exercise Johnny at the same time. But not everyone wants Samara to succeed. Someone is waiting to take the lead…

    My husband ran off with the caterer we hired for our daughter’s graduation party – pleased to meet you.’Meet Angie Shepherd who, after 24 years and 11 months of marriage, finds herself divorced and driven by friends and family to move on. From hangover to makeover, Angie steps firmly away from the sensible knitwear, and launches into every adventure on offer – from baking classes and book groups, to speed dating, and even ‘The Granny-Okes’, a 1980s tribute act and YouTube sensation.But Angie needs more than a bar of galaxy and a night in with Murder She Wrote... what she dreams of is entrepreneurial success. Channelling her inner Richard Branson, the light bulb moment happens: it’s time to take the plunge and invest her divorce settlement into The Mercury Travel Club, an exciting new business venture. But as the Travel Club gets going, things never go according to plan, and in this digital age a little chaos brings the fame she’s been looking for.Set in present-day Manchester, this classic mid-life journey features the 1980s soundtrack from Angie’s youth, and sees her travel the world whilst coping with life after the Ex. Angie’s journey is the catalyst her friends need to examine their own lives; as they start to find their true callings, will Angie find hers? Witty, entertaining and laugh-out-loud funny, this feel-good debut novel shows it’s never too late for a second