It got a karaoke DJ.Leo MacGavin is not the brightest specimen of humanity. But when he inadvertently rescues a flirty alien heiress, he’s promoted from second-rate lounge entertainer to captain of the galaxy’s most sophisticated cruise ship.Before he can flee in terror, a human-hating executive gives Leo an ultimatum—complete the vessel’s maiden voyage or mankind’s last colony will be turned into a sewage dump. To make matters worse, a militant cyborg is undermining his authority, a giant spider is terrifying the passengers, and a sentient plant keeps stealing all the beer.If Leo ever wants to see his home again, he’ll have to keep the guests happy through seven days of onboard antics and madcap shore excursions. As strange malfunctions tear the ship apart, can he hold his rag-tag crew together, or will he flush the last bastion of humanity down the crapper?

     Sam believes she will soon have to adjust from the slow-paced, farm life of East Arkansas to follow her track scholarship to the University of Arkansas. Her life now is laid-back and predictable just the way she wants it. However, that will soon change as she goes for a morning run down a familiar, rural road and stops for a brief rest at an old, abandoned farm. There at that lonely, isolated place, so peaceful, so familiar, Sam has an experience that will change the course of her life. What will she do and where will she turn as she discovers she is not who or what she thought and this world is not the only one? Are they even her choices to make when a strange, dimension portal proves time travel and other worlds are real? Return from the Portal is the sequel to the time travel novel Portal to the Forgotten. In that story Luke, a reclusive Arkansas Constable, while searching for a missing girl, discovers a time travel portal in the Ozark Mountains that opens to another dimension. He and a reporter are pulled into that world and find it is almost impossible to get back. Return from the Portal is a stand alone novel, but would be better enjoyed by first reading Portal to the Forgotten. Visit John Gschwend at Johngschwend.com to see more of his stories.

    But what lies behind every bad man? Gangsters' Wives tells the side of the story you didn't know - what it's like to live with Britain's most lawless men, from the women who married them. Devoted mum-of-three Judy Marks was imprisoned alongside her husband, notorious drug smuggler Howard Marks; while Flanagan, the first ever Page Three girl, found herself splashed across the papers as the fiancée of legendary East End villain Reggie Kray. Jenny Pinto, wife of gangster Dave Courtney, has given the police keys to their house to stop them breaking down the front door. In ten funny, moving, searingly honest first-person accounts, Gangsters' Wives tells you all you ever wanted to know about the lives and loves of the women who are, quite literally, married to the mob.

    Although they have been mentioned in the bible and traces of their existence are scattered throughout the globe, Peter Madeloy had always presumed that the myths of the possible existence of an ancient brotherhood, living on Earth for milennia, was nothing more than that, a myth. Until one day his father is brutally murdered and his mother is kidnapped. In exchange for his mother’s safe return, Peter must enter his father’s secret world, uncover the truth about his mother’s kidnappers and find the ancient artefact his father had dedicated his life to protecting. Peter enlists the help of his uncle, Daniel O'Brien, a professor of Philology and avid researcher of veiled organisations and his wife, Emily, a geneticist, to unravel a series of clues his father has left him. Together they embark on a journey that thrusts them into the centre of an ancient battle for supremacy that uncovers a truth that for them, will change the history and future of humanity simultaneously. With the enemy watching their every move Peter, Daniel and Emily must figure out his father's clues in time to save his mother and ultimately protect the world from the true secret that was unearthed from beneath King Solomon's Temple all those centuries ago.

    The sharp corners and twists are taken at speed, leaving you to grip the edge of your seat! Continue your journey now,Go beyond Time itself...

    (Brought to you by the famed Dweezel and Pallie.)"[A] funny and clever little book... I like this version even better than the original story."Chytach18, Reviewer for OnlineBookClub.org"An amazing story, and hilariously funny to boot, perfect for kids and adults alike!"Angela, Amazon UK reader"It made me laugh. Grossed me out. Then makes you laugh some more."Thelma Coots, Amazon reader"One word : FUNNY! A new way of reading Snow White"Isienie V., Amazon reader*****Take your expectations for a fairy tale and throw them out the window! A noble prince? Lame. A humble princess? What a loser! A happy ending? You wish. This eBook is way better than all that. It will make you giggle, laugh, and ask for more. Either that, or it will make you scream for it all to stop. The only way to know is to read it. Download "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves" now!The Funny Stories for Kids series, written/recorded by Dr. Dexter Dweezel and Professor Parnassus Pallie, is an ongoing effort to make fairy tales less crappy. "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves" is the first in this series, with more to come.**Note: This story is not for babies. It can be crude, and has jokes about butts, poo, and drunk people. It also has a bit of cartoony violence. There is no swearing or sexual activity. If this story had a MPGG rating it would probably be PG, and would be comparable to a modern episode of the Simpsons.**

    She erred in not considering commercial and political consequences. Now, someone wants to steal or bury her research and, perhaps, her with it. With no way to fight this unknown foe, Jaswinder knows she has but one chance—complete her research and publish. To do that, she has to stay alive and stay free. Pilot Johannes Yrden desires a courtesan, someone to keep him company on the 8 month trip to the planet Liberty and back. He wants someone not from the Yrden Family spaceship and to hell with his brother, Captain Matt Yrden, who believes the TransPlanetary Corporations will stock his line-up with spies. Yrden's plan runs afoul of circumstance, which throws him together with one 'Jazz Saro', a woman on the run. Forced to run with her, Yrden allows her to convince him to sign her on as courtesan. He needs a companion; she needs a ship, a place to hide. It seems a simple enough arrangement. Jaswinder thinks she's found her perfect solution: a hiding place in hyperspace, where she can complete her research using the ship as her laboratory. Unfortunately, she hasn't reckoned on the possibility of one of her pursuers booking passage, forcing her to maintain the fiction of her alias. The pilot's family, with troubles of their own, grow suspicious and it becomes apparent she cannot complete her research openly. That leaves her the choice: Do what she needs to do to in order to save Jaswinder's life or become Jazz Saro.

    

    Lord help her… NOTE: This volume contains the first three books of the Jessica Christ series, including ... Book 1: The BeginningBook 2: And It Was GoodBook 3: It's a Miracle!*Plus* the first chapter of Book 4: Nu Alpha Omega The Beginning Jessica McCloud knows first-hand that it’s tough to fit in when you’re God’s only begotten daughter. While she has the power to smite, and she’s privy to most of the juicy gossip in her West Texas town, nobody is knocking on her door with frankincense and myrrh. The Messiah-in-the-making still has to contend with algebra tests, her first crush, and menstrual cramps with the power to spark lightning storms…As if dealing with her overbearing Father and a scheming preacher wasn’t enough, Jessica must face down the demons that lurk around every corner. No matter what she wants from life, everything seems to lead to a final showdown with the devil. The daughter of God has a choice: face the destiny thrust upon her or find some way to forge her own path…And It Was GoodAs she enters the uncharted territory of high school, Jessica McCloud could use a few more friends who believe in her. Of course, that means something entirely different for the daughter of God. After her two-millennia-dead half-brother visits her in a dream and tells her it’s time for her to stop messing around, Jessica begins the hunt to discover what miracles she can perform. And if one of them happens to win the heart of her long-time crush, Greg, then so be it. But when a reporter with a grudge against God catches wind of her first miracle, Jessica stumbles her way through one scandal after another until she wonders if the world wouldn’t be a much happier place with no miracles at all. It's a Miracle! Miracles happen when you least expect them. And if you’re Jessica McCloud, God’s only begotten daughter, they happen when you least want them. Is an uneventful senior year of high school too much for Jessica to hope for?Yes. Yes it is.Instead of focusing on college applications, Jessica must juggle Jimmy’s newest scheme, Eugene’s latest slander, and a gruesome (unpaid) internship at Midland Memorial Hospital. And just when she’s starting to get the hang of it, a serious PR blunder ignites a firestorm of brand new accusations. It would take nothing short of a miracle for Jessica to come out on top this round, and she isn’t holding her breath…

    Always looking over your shoulder. The source of your fear? The Institute.Allira Daniels will do anything to keep her Defective brother safe from the Institute. They claim to protect Defectives, but it’s human nature to fear the unknown. Defectives are dangerous, they possess abilities that no human should be able to. To Allira and the rest of her family, the Institute seems more like a prison than the safe-haven they promote themselves to be. Protecting Shilah from that fate is their number one priority.When Allira stumbles across a car crash involving two of her school classmates, she ignores all of her father’s warnings of laying low and not drawing attention to herself. By doing so, she may have just caught the eye of the Institute. She’s not Defective, but what seventeen-year-old girl has the ability to pull two teenage boys away from a fiery rubble and walk away without a scratch? It would definitely be seen as suspicious.Allira and her family need to make decisions. Do they stay, or do they flee again? Will they be coming for her? Will her whole family come under investigation? Will they discover Shilah and his ability to predict the future?Are you Defective? The Institute is coming for you.

    Also check out the Agnes Barton Paranormal series, same characters, different spin. Hilarious Senior sleuths — Grandma Mazur meets Murder She Wrote — cozy mystery. Agnes Barton is not your typical senior citizen living in Tadium, MI, on the shores of Lake Huron. She drives a red hot Mustang, shops at Victoria's Secret, rankles local police officials, and has a knack for sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. What does a murder that happened forty-three years ago have to do with missing tourist Jennifer Martin? Agnes makes it her personal mission to find out, and she's not letting the fact she's seventy-two get in the way. Butting heads with Sheriff Clem Peterson is something she's accustomed to, but lately Clem seems to be acting even more strange, making Agnes wonder what he may be hiding ala the Martin disappearance. Agnes’ partner in crime, Eleanor Mason tags along, Watson to her Holmes. Together, they unearth clues. If only Eleanor would behave, as although lovable, she has a knack for getting into trouble by tangling with her rival, Dorothy Alton, or flirting with anyone—male or female—and gossiping! She's incorrigible, but she does carry a Pink Lady revolver in her purse, one that has proved useful at times. Life for Agnes and Eleanor is shaken up when Agnes' former boss and secret crush comes to Tadium. Before long, the lady sleuths have more on their hands to contend with as goons roll into town and bullets begin to fly. Adult content. Also by Madison Johns Agnes Barton Senior Sleuths Mystery Series in order: Armed and Outrageous (Book one) Grannies, Guns and Ghosts (Book two) Senior Snoops (Book three) Trouble in Tawas (Book four) Treasure in Tawas (Book five) Agnes Barton/Kimberly Steele Cozy Mystery Series Pretty, Hip & Dead (Book one) A Cajun Cooking Mystery series Target of Death (Book one) Romance Pretty and Pregnant (Kimberly Steele novella) Redneck Romance (Kelly Gray, standalone) http://madisonjohns.com Join Madison newsletter list. https://www.facebook.com/MadisonJohns...

    Commander Elias Browning's military career was over, or so he thought.When a secret research colony is discovered by a ruthless enemy, Elias must take command of a small battlegroup.Outclassed and outgunned, Elias must find a way to stop a superior enemy fleet from enslaving his people, but how can he succeed where every other star union in the galaxy has failed?Acheron Rising is a military science fiction novella that introduces the Federation Chronicles universe by Ken Lozito.

    As in Thanks for the Mammogram!, she uses hilarious vignettes and a delightful mix of wit and wisdom to connect with her readers. With chapters about how "All Varicose Veins Lead to Rome" and "PMS Is a Picnic in the Park," this book helps women dealing with "mentalpause" and those around them gain a better understanding--and certainly a lighter attitude--about this passage of life. Mentalpause . . . and Other Midlife Laughs will get readers laughing at themselves as they hear Laura lightheartedly describe her age spots, lament her sagging everything, and look anew at love after forty.

    Now grown, he dedicates his life to finding the berserkers responsible but is stymied at every turn by magic, dragons, and dragonslayers. Benzel meets a monster that can help him, but at what cost?

    Some swim closer to the light, drawn by the beacon that is the Astronomican, while others stalk the Void, predators in the dark. The Carcharodons have hunted for millennia, but now they are drawn into a new blackness… the Dark City of the drukhari itself. Commorragh.For a thousand years, Chaplain Tangata Manu has searched for a relic lost under his watch – an ancient thing, once charged into the keeping of the Forgotten One himself. But at the brink of seeing his hunt fulfilled and the relic returned, it is stolen from under him. Now, if Tangata would see his honour restored, he must lead his hunt against some of the vilest predators the galaxy has ever seen, before they can turn the artefact to their own purposes…