Now for the first time, li'l ol' me shines front-and-center in a book of my very own! A Book of Jean's Own! features all-original, never-before-published material, and if that wasn't impressive enough, marks the very first Onion book by a solo writer! Historical, huh? My book is sure to find an eager audience among The Onion's ten-million-strong readership. Wait, ten million people? I had no idea! Frankly, that scares me a little. We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto! (Oh shoot, I should have put that hilarious phrase in my book!)A Book of Jean's Own! also marks a departure from past Onion books in that it isn't crammed with headlines and articles in teeny-weeny print! Instead, I write about the stuff that really matters: shopping, chocolate, part-time jobs, and hot Hollywood hunks! Whether you read my book on the bus, the beach, or the toilet, you're guaranteed to find something to chuckle at and deeply relate to!Among the many nuggets of fun:* I tell you the Twenty Things That Are Better Than Sex! * For the first time ever, you learn my maiden name!* I spill the secrets of my scrumptious chocolate-loaded desserts, such as Ooey Gooey Choco-Cocoa-Mocha Cupcakes With Raspberry Filling And Coconut-Cream Cheese-Cola Frosting!* Acquire valuable, real-world tips on coping with a job you dislike, getting through those rough teenage years, and styling a Jean hairdo of your very own!* Get a giggle out of my doodles and overdose on the words of wisdom that are my Jean Proverbs!* You've heard of pity parties—get my tips for throwing your very own self-pity party!* Check out my own cure for the blues, the Plush Jamboree!* Witness my nervous breakdown while writing this book (well, writing is hard, after all!)* Also for the first time ever, Hubby Rick speaks! (Spoiler: It's not entirely in grunts!) * Lots of exclamation points! (And phrases in parentheses!)I'm sure every single one of those ten million readers will buy my book! And who knows? They just may find something in it that will help them lead happier and better lives!

    Make way for Charlie Smithers.The time is the nineteenth century. The place, the Serengeti Plain, where one Charlie Smithers – faithful manservant to the arrogant bone-head, Lord Brampton (with five lines in Debrett, and a hopeless shot to boot) – becomes separated from his master during an unfortunate episode with an angry rhinoceros, thereby launching Charlie on an odyssey into Deepest Darkest Africa, and subsequently into the arms of the beautiful Loiyan…and that’s where the trouble really begins.Maasai warriors, xenophobic locals, or evil Arab slavers, the two forbidden lovers encounter everything that the unforgiving jungle can throw at them."A truly engaging read that will keep anyone’s attention from the hilarious beginning until the last word. I highly recommend this 5 star novel." ~ Chapters & Chats

    E. Poynor. For less than twenty percent of what you paid for that grande maple-choco-frappa-machacino latte you'll spew out your nose while reading this book, you can learn about an aspect of Alaska most people never think about: everyday life in Alaska. Of Moose and Men: A Skewed Look at Life in Alaska provides a unique insight into the Land of the Midnight Sun, where laughing about the trials unique to the country is better than giving up.

    When Teddie Arizona, woman of mystery, crawls out of the wreckage of her plane and into their lives with a $5,000,000 secret, things start to get interesting.When T.A.’s “husband,” F. Rank Pantaker, dispatches his henchmen to retrieve the money—and the girl—Lick and Al find themselves trying to outrun the bad guys and protect a damsel in distress. Is T.A. out to cheat her cheatin’ husband, or is she really just trying to stop an illegal scheme cooked up by F. Rank and the infamous Ponce de Crayon, Vegas’s most glamorous tiger tamer? Is she playing Lick—or is it love? Will Al Bean’s cockeyed plan, an able assist from Cody, Lick’s cowboy sidekick, a brigade of old-time rodeo reunioneers, and twenty miles of duct tape be enough to stop F. Rank’s nefarious schemes, reform a career party girl, and change the hearts and minds of ten of the world’s most thrill-seeking billionaires? Can Cody keep Lick from climbing onto raging bull Kamikaze’s back one more time? Can true love triumph over shoot-outs at the not-so-okay corral and close encounters with white tigers? Hey, this is Baxter Black—what do you think? With its colorful cast of characters, rip-roaring humor, and inventive language, this caper will have you riding high long after it gallops to a thunderously satisfying conclusion.

    Suddenly, this longtime church member and pillar of her small Southern community finds herself in the center of an unseemly scandal-and the guardian of a wan nine-year-old whose mere presence turns her life upside down. With razor-sharp wit and perfect "Steel Magnolia" poise, Miss Julia speaks her mind indeed-about a robbery, a kidnapping, and the other disgraceful events precipitated by her husband's death. Miss Julia Takes Over - Miss Julia has come to terms with her onetime rival, Hazel Marie, and is now the guardian of Little Lloyd. Now Hazel Marie has disappeared, and Miss Julia has to find her. With Little Lloyd by her side, she sets off across North Carolina, and encounters enough obstacles and adventures to tax even Miss Julia's amazing and ingenious survival skills.

    Half a century old. Closer to the grave than cradle. And what does Pastor Gus Gospello have to show for his fifty years on earth? Not much. Shepherd of a small church. Married without kids. Faithful keeper of God's commands. Well, most of them, anyway. Gus longs to make a difference for God - to have an eternal legacy. Now, as he comes to grips with his mid-life crisis, Gus acknowledges he'll never be another John Wesley, Charles Spurgeon, or Billy Graham. But can he become the next C.S. Lewis? His wife thinks so. Fueled with the unbridled hope of a naïve novelist, Gus sets out to craft a novel so rich in spiritual symbolism and truth that even the Devil takes notice. And that's never a good sign. The last time the Devil and Gus met, Gospello's pen hovered over the signature line of a dangerous contract - his soul in exchange for a child. But when Gus turned his back on the Great Deceiver, the news spread like Hellfire. Ever since, Satan's been obsessed with personally delivering Gus to Hell. With his eye on Gus's new novel, the Devil tempts Gus with a peek into the spiritual realm of good and evil for a truthful account of his rise, fall, and enduring success. The Devil will feed Gus information few mortals are privileged to know. In return Gus will craft what's sure to become a best seller. Of course, Gus has no intention of making the Accuser look as winsome as promised. Instead, Gus plans to write a scathing satire, exposing the Devil's excessive arrogance. But when the prologue to Gus's novel inexplicably appears in a popular Christian magazine and the Devil is shown to be a pride-filled fool, he seeks to destroy Gus and everything the pastor holds dear, including his precious wife. Gus, willing to lay himself on the line to turn his little flock back to God, makes one last deal and signs the dotted line. Satan finally has claim on Gus's soul, and with it, vindication. But Gus has a few tricks of his own. Win or lose, Pastor Gus is about to discover that striking a deal with Satan, even in jest, can have eternal consequences.

    Join the O'Reilly family once again as they meet around the Jack O'Lantern on Halloween night and share ghost stories that will make you shiver and have you looking over your shoulder to see if there is "a little something extra" wandering through your home tonight.

    This wasn't always the case, but years in the soul-shattering world of retail have made Wade a bitter, cynical young man. Impeded by a lack of direction and nearly infinite levels apathy, Wade idles through his days avoiding waves of annoying customers, his obtrusive boss and any kind of work in general. When a management opportunity makes itself available Wade finds himself facing an unprecedented weekend of opportunity and distraction, a gauntlet of women he can't begin to understand, and a potential mental breakdown that could destroy his personal and professional life at once.

    It's a far cry from the heady days when he led his band, The Shooting Tsars, to the top of the charts and sell-out tours and festivals around the world.An unwelcome phone call from his deceitful ex-manager, Chas Dupont, sets in motion a chain of events that seems unstoppable.Can Will get his fractured band back together and rediscover his mojo? Are Chas Dupont's motives purely altruistic? Who are the musical mafia? And are the legendary rumours about the lost "Bloom Tape" true?

    His humor and short fiction appear in various publications throughout the Southeast.

    At turns hilarious and bittersweet, this novel is destined to be a bookshelf classic.

    Johns River in Jacksonville, Florida, is tormented by the thought that maybe his aunt is lying to him about how his mother died. To find the truth he has to overcome his fears: the local bully, the large dark shapes that he imagines in the middle of the dock at night, and the thought that maybe his brother is right, he's just a warped kid who thinks too much. Will he find the courage to stand and fight? Q&A with Lawton Paul Q: What sparked this novel? A: Two things. One: I wanted my kids to know where I came from. The very southern setting—North Florida on the St. Johns river, is where I grew up. And I wanted to give them a feel for that time and place. Watching the sunrise on a stinky crab boat in the St. Johns—what could be better? And the second thing: When I'm not writing, I'm teaching kids. I see a lot of young people who have such promise but for some reason or another, give up right before they're about to make headway. I see my own kids struggling at certain points in their lives. And one thought keeps coming back: don't give up. So I wanted Jesse (main character in Seagull) to really have some heavy issues to navigate through: the death of his mother, Johnny the bully, and of course, the girl, Hailey. You'll have to read the book (savvy marketing ploy alert!) to find out how it all turned out for Jesse. Q: Why should readers give this novel a try? A: If I've done my job well, you'll enjoy the ride and maybe even get that little happy-glow feeling at the end like you just watched Rocky again, or someone said your hair looks nice, or you got an “A” on a pre-calc test. (Another genius bit of marketing there.) Q: What kind of book is Seagull? A: It's a coming of age southern novel with a young main character that should appeal to fiction readers of all ages. Younger readers will sympathize with our teen heroes Jesse and Matty and adult readers will be taken back to earlier days. My style has a literary feel, but the story is plot-driven and suspenseful, especially at the end. And even has a hint of romance. Thanks for giving Seagull a try. Please let me know what you thought of it. —Lawton Paul

    A collection of 45 ridiculous 911 emergency calls, submitted by 911 Call Center Operators across the U.S.Dedicated to you, the Taxpayer who funded these calls.Note: A quick 10-minute read of humorous quotes from real calls.Just enough for a grin of the day!

    Seeking justice for his father’s murder, ex-Navy SEAL Kevin McCory steals the Seaghost from the dark, restricted waters of the U.S. Naval Research and Development Center. But he isn’t the only one…The Warriors of Allah steal the Sea Spectre, a second stealth vessel, on the same night that McCory takes back what is rightfully his. Eager to inflict as much death and destruction on the Western world as possible, the terrorist group moves down the Atlantic seaboard, striking quickly and racking up high American casualties. With the Navy, the Pentagon, and the FBI on his trail, McCory must avoid capture, ensure justice for his father, and take down the terrorists in the Sea Spectre. As invisible as the terrorists in the SeaGhost, McCory is the only one who can find them…and stop them before it’s too late…Seaghost is a gripping, thriller submerged in the world of military espionage and terrorism. Praise for William H Lovejoy ‘Lovejoy has proven himself a master storyteller.’ - Clive Cussler‘Lovejoy writes in afterburner!… action that leaves you dry-lipped, moist-palmed and hungry for more. An excellent read.’ - M.E. MorrisWilliam H Lovejoy has publications in English, Spanish, Hebrew and Japanese. He is the author of twenty-five thriller, suspense, and mystery novels, including Delta Blue, Delta Green, Alpha Kat, Phantom Strike and Ultra Deep. A Vietnam veteran, he resides in Colorado and is Vice Chancellor Emeritus from Mohave Community College.Endeavour Press is the UK's leading independent digital publisher. For more information on our titles please sign up to our newsletter at www.endeavourpress.com. Each week you will receive updates on free and discounted ebooks. Follow us on Twitter: @EndeavourPress and on Facebook via http://on.fb.me/1HweQV7

    Marshals failed, can farm boy Carson succeed?After the Civil War, to the people of Oak Bower, Arkansas, “…he'd always be Carson Kettle, son of the man who'd chosen the winning side in the war and would forever pay for it.”Folks in town all called both him and his father ‘Yankee Lover.’ All but her, and she’s gone.Only sixteen, and untrained and untried in the ways of Colts and fists and evil gunmen, Carson’s determined to ride into the Indian Territories and bring Lijah Penne to justice. But Lijah’s feared by all, and even the best deputy United States marshal can’t find him.Can youth and determination overcome an experienced outlaw, forged in the crucible of the Civil War to kill man, woman, or child, without a second thought?No one thinks so. They say: leave it to the grownups, you’re too young, too inexperienced.And maybe they’re right, but they don’t feel what Carson feels, and he saddles up anyway…Book one in a new, clean, Classic Western Series.