Always ready with an impeccable phrase or a sly wink, he shares tales of the most darkly ironic sort, including a field report from a human abattoir, a chronicle of dating Death, and, of course, the tale of the goat that ate its own legs. The thirty-one bizarre, insightful, and morbidly hilarious tales in My Goat Ate Its Own Legs: Tales for Adults will delight anyone who doesn't take life (or death) too seriously.

    She wears granny panties and is constantly dropping wads of cash at Target, and his son cries all the time. Now his "temporary" roommate, Dave, ate all the Totino's pizza rolls. Again. Karl Welzein is sick of this. So sick of this.Power Moves chronicles the hilarious decline of Karl Welzein on his journey from life as a Dockers-and-golfshirt-wearing dad to a ponytailed party maniac who spits out his life philosophies like a modern-day Charles Bukowski (if he preferred to get drunk at Applebee's).A middle-aged Michigan native, Karl may be overweight, prone to questionable fashion and culinary choices, oblivious to his drinking problem, a poor excuse for an employee, obsessed with the restroom, and a terrible husband, father, and friend . . . but in his heart he means well. He's just like a lot of us—he loves the USA, Guy Fieri, bold flavors, Bob Seger, and thinking he looks jacked in a tight tee and Maui Jim sunglasses. Karl is an everyman and like no other man on the planet all at once.Inspired by the Twitter feed @DadBoner, Karl finally tells his full story. He shares his wisdom on fitness (1. Look at a pic of Stone Cold Steve Austin. 2. Do 'shups 'til you look like Stone Cold. 3. Cut off your sleeves), diet (Eat only the filling of the Taco Bell Beefy Melts for maximum flavor and low-carb health), fashion (Wearin' boots with jean shorts says "I like to keep cool, but I'm ready if the action gets hot"), work life (If you don't have a job that makes you want to kill yourself, you don't deserve to drink until you want to die), and the bliss of the perfect weekend (beers, brats, and babes' chest beefers).But above all, this is a story about America—the real red, white, and blue America of today. Welcome to Karl's world. Reading this book is the ultimate Power Move.

    The only thing standing in the way is her stubborn jelly belly - and her hilariously complicated home life, of course.

    It never happened to anyone I knew ... It happened over breakfast, or lunch. It happened to parents who were careless”Alice Winters is not a careless mother. Yet one awful day her two-year-old daughter is taken from her pushchair outside a village shop. Alice’s life becomes every parent’s worst nightmare as she begins questioning everything and everyone she knows, vowing to leave no stone unturned until Grace is found.Now, ten years later, Alice believes that the publication of her book recollecting the events surrounding Grace’s disappearance will be the final needle in the haystack needed to bring her home.Who had taken Grace and why? Will Alice ever be ready to accept the truth, no matter how difficult it is to hear? For fans of Diane Chamberlain, this is a must read.

    Gene Shalit, The Today Show God has appeared on earth to set the record straight in this uproarious comic novel, adapted into the movie comedy starring George Burns. God is here to confront nonbelievers, taking his messenger and the reader on a wildly funny roller coaster ride. As God Himself says, The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets and before that the 1914 Boston Braves and before that I think you have to go back to the Red Sea." "Looking back, I made a few mistakes. Giraffes. It was a good thought, but it didn t really work out. Avocados on that I made the pit too big.

    But even he, with his penchant for fishnet stockings and stiletto heels, is stunned by the antics of his guests - to say nothing of the Butler who invented the ultimate sex machine.The author also wrote "Iron Maiden".

    The brilliantly funny cult novel about holiday reps in Ibiza.

    This book goes through all the miserable people you love to hate. Do you hate morning people? How about the guy who doesn’t wipe the ketchup top after using it? Or people who just don’t care? After all, isn’t hating just another form of caring?It's true: Misery does love company. But what kind of company can you keep if you can't stand anyone? This kind. No matter who they are or what they do that sets you off and gets you going, you'll find 'em inside. From rich people who are dicks to guys named Rich who go by Dick to those who are always cold to people who are just hot, no one is safe. But one thing is certain—everyone will find someone they equally despise. And you're gonna love it, period.

         With over fifty new poems from Britain's favourite poet, You Made Me Late Again! is an essential addition to Pam Ayres' incomparable collection of works. Pam's poems are observant, witty and poignant in equal measure. In 'The Swifts' and 'The Pyracantha Anthem' she marvels at nature, while 'A Patient's Prayer' and 'Litter Moron' offer wry views on Modern Britain. From the dog being afraid of the toaster to your son leaving home for university; and from the search for that perfect swimsuit to becoming a gran for the first time -- Pam's poems are beautifully crafted, and her subjects the everyday and the universal. Delightfully illustrated, most of the poems in You Made Me Late Again! are brand new, yet it also features several firm favourites from her stage shows, published for the first time, such as 'The Make-up Lady' and 'Tippy Tappy Feet'.

    The first, an expensive lawyer. The second, suicide. Robert Derby used the first one. I’m using the second."Mara was celebrating her 21st birthday when her family was killed by a drunk driver. Two years later, Mara wants justice. She wants the drunk driver to understand how it feels to lose everything. She has a plan and a gun and she knows how to use it. But is she capable of murder?Garrett can’t help the family he was born into. His name puts a target on his back. Maybe that’s why he always dates women who need help. But can helping the wrong person lead to disaster?She Had to Kill Him is a gripping story about the things people do for their loved ones. Perfect for fans of Lisa Jewell, Colleen Hoover, and Paula Hawkins.

    without a script. But this isn't a problem until by random stroke of fate the mega-famous Hollywood diva Jennifer Roberts announces on American primetime television that Constance is writing her next movie. But this is news to Constance; how the hell did that happen? She is jettisoned to fame overnight and faces a race against time to write the script. With the help of an unscrupulous 'agent' and a hostile ghost writer, Constance battles her way to Hollywood through the onslaught of social media, trolls, a philandering boyfriend, and leaked naked photographs... Social media paves the way for an unknown scriptwriter in a comedy of misunderstandings and miscreants, and finally an ounce of good luck.

    Distraction comes in the form a wealthy young American who wants to trace his Shropshire family. One question leads to another and the final revelations shock and almost overwhelm him. Meanwhile, Anna faces tragedy in her own family and struggles to come to terms with the chaos of her emotions, plunging deeper and deeper into flight and denial. In the process she almost loses the people she loves most. This is a tale of the deep story of the heart told with humour and compassion and relentless honesty. This is the last novel in the trilogy of Anna Ames books.

    

    The woman you see at the bus stop every morning; the man who reaches for the last newspaper just before you get to it. Everyone you meet, and some you nearly meet, will have an impact on the way your day goes.Small World is the story of a group of men and women, living and working in a city, who are connected through love, work, friendship, or simply by virtue of proximity. We connect with the hearts and minds of characters including an all-coping housewife, a stressed out working mother, a put-upon nanny, a long-suffering journalist, an Indian waiter who dreams of stardom, a grieving shop assistant, a stand-up comic and a psychotic policeman - all of whom speak directly to us about their innermost thoughts, fears and desires in a series of interwoven first-person narratives.

    Now he's inherited a billion dollar empire and a stake in a man-made island chain in the Gulf of Mexico. Trying to adjust to his new situation, he and his best friend, Paul Nelson, travel to the islands and soon find themselves being chased by killers, killer hippies and rhinos. They have no training. They can't trust anyone. But, they must escape and stop a plot that threatens America. Will they succeed? Will they live? Are rhinos nocturnal? Find out in Tortugas Rising, an action and adventure comedy by the author of Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors.