He's confronted the HOA. He's even taken on Santa himself. He doesn't usually win. These are the tales of the Dumb White Husband and they are all available here in this collected edition.This handsome volume includes:Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store - John would rather sit and watch the game, but his wife needs some things at the store. Can he complete the list and get back in time to see the end of the game?Dumb White Husband vs. Halloween - Every Halloween, Chris has the scariest house on the block and gives out the best candy. But, this year, someone is showing him up and he'll stop at nothing to find out who.Dumb White Husband vs. Santa - Erik has planned the perfect Christmas for his family. The plan is foolproof, bulletproof and flame retardant. Nothing can undo the hours of planning and preparation. Nothing except maybe odd-shaped packages, ill-timed fruitcakes or an errant neighborhood Santa Claus.Dumb White Husband vs. the Tooth Fairy - Erik always has a plan and he's sure he would have figured out the whole Tooth Fairy thing eventually. But, when his three-year-old son takes a frisbee to the mouth, he's forced to speed things up. Between neighborhood kids with big mouths and unhelpful dentists he's going to need to improvise. Will he bend to the pressure of inflation? Will he get caught in the act? And, what do you do with those teeth anyway?Dumb White Husband for President (A novella) - There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand for the things he believes in. John doesn't believe in bagging his grass. So, when a new allergy-prone neighbor gets the HOA to require it, there's only one thing he can do - run for President of The Creeks of Sage Valley Phase II.John, Chris and Erik put aside most of their differences to run a campaign that they hope will see John elected as President and end the meddling of the rule-loving new kid on the block. Will they succeed? It's doubtful.

    They soon discover that the monster is in fact a submarine called the Nautilus, headed by Captain Nemo, an enigmatic man who has withdrawn from the world. When Arronnax and his team are taken prisoner by Nemo, the Nautilus heads into the deepest fathoms of the seas where adventure and discovery await. Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Seas is a science-fiction classic that has been adapted into numerous films, television episodes, comic books and graphic novels. This edition uses the 1991 F. P. Walter translation which restores a great deal of material that was cut in the original English translations of the work. HarperPerennial Classics brings great works of literature to life in digital format, upholding the highest standards in ebook production and celebrating reading in all its forms. Look for more titles in the HarperPerennial Classics collection to build your digital library.

    With weeks to live, a package arrives at the door of his hillside mansion—an artifact he paid millions for…a hominoid skull with elongated teeth, discovered in a farmer’s field in the Romanian countryside. With Shanna, his beautiful research assistant looking on, he sinks the skull’s razor sharp fangs into his neck, and immediately goes into convulsions. OPENS THE DOOR TO AN ANCIENT EVIL...A rural hospital. A slow night in the ER. Until Moorecook arrives strapped to a gurney, where he promptly codes and dies.WHERE DEATH IS JUST THE BEGINNING.Four well-known horror authors pool their penchants for scares and thrills, and tackle one of the greatest of all legends, with each writer creating a unique character and following them through a vampire outbreak in a secluded hospital.The goal was simple: write the most intense novel they possibly could.Which they did.A Word of Warning:Within these pages, you will find no black capes, no satin-lined coffins, no brooding heartthrobs who want to talk about your feelings. Forget sunlight and stakes. Throw out your garlic and your crosses. This is the Anti-TWILIGHT.NOTE: DRACULAS is a full length novel, 80,000 words long. But this ebook is also brimming with an additional 80,000 words of extras and bonuses:- a clickable table of contents- a round-robin interview with Strand, Wilson, Crouch, and Kilborn about writing DRACULAS- deleted scenes- two alternate endings- four excerpts from the authors’ other works- the short story “Serial” by Crouch and Kilborn- the short story “Cub Scout Gore Feast” by Kilborn and Strand- the short story “A Sound of Blunder” by Kilborn and Wilson- author biographies- comprehensive clickable bibliographies- an exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at the writing of DRACULAS, delivered through a collection of over seven hundred emails between the writers as they were brainstorming and writing the book

    They unlock opportunities for wealth and travel, but also create incredible chaos--uprooting populations and blighting landscapes. Work on or around the rails leads to unwelcome discoveries and, in light of the Mythos, dire implications in the spread of the rail system as a whole. A certain path to uncovering unwelcome truths about the universe is to venture beyond our own "placid island of ignorance" and encounter foreign cultures. The Orient Express serves as the perfect vehicle for such excursions, designed as a bridge between West and East. Movement into mystery forms the central action for many stories in this volume. The only limitation placed upon writers for this collection was that their works somehow involve the Orient Express and the Mythos. The last warning whistle has blown, and we are getting underway. Have your tickets at the ready and settle in for a journey across unexpected landscapes to a destination that--well, we'll just let you see for yourself when you arrive. We promise this though: murder will be the least of your problems on this trip aboard the Orient Express!

    A place where the Druids laid down their lives to protect the darkest of all their secrets.

    Here's what you'll find in this issue:"Jenny's House" is a great place to play, but an unexpected playmate makes for a dark session of show-and-tell.Three kids seek to steal from a traveling carnival and get more than they bargained for in "A Lullaby for Caliban"In "The Last Nephew", Nephew yearns to be free of Uncle's depredations, but when Uncle leaves his pocket watch behind one night, it gives him the key to his escape.Crossing "The Cornfield" is harrowing on the best of winter nights, but this night, Jack turns to see eyes in the darkness, and knows that something is following him...In "The Ginger Men", mother is baking a special ingredient into a treat for father, an ingredient that gives her pie dough a life of its own. Featuring stories by Ada Hoffmann, Julie Jansen, Mark Onspaugh, Mike Trier, and Elizabeth Twist.Be sure to check out the other volumes in this ongoing anthology series, and watch for new volumes coming soon!

     THE STICK WOMAN - Priscilla has been held hostage, physically mutilated, and fed feces for years. And her situation is about to get much, much worse. SHIT-HOUSE - How bad is the world around you? How much worse could it get? How far would you go to fix it? THE USHERS - They are always there - somewhere in the background and just out of sight. A force of violence and lust. They are the ushers... THE SEA-SLOP THING - June needs a new job - and she's found it, along with something from the deepest depths of the sea.

    

    Included are two original stories, several rarities and out of print tales, as well as a few "best of the year" inclusions. Stephen Graham Jones is a master storyteller. What does happen after the people lights have gone off? Crack the spine and find out. With an introduction by Joe R. Lansdale.Stephen Graham Jones is the author of fifteen novels and five collections, and has some two hundred stories published. Stephen's been an NEA Fellow and has won the Texas Institute of Letters Award for Fiction and the Independent Publishers Award for Multicultural fiction. He's forty-two, married with a couple of kids, and lives in Boulder, Colorado.WINNER, Short Story Collection, THIS IS HORRORNOMINATED, Short Story Collection, BRAM STOKER AWARDSNOMINATED, Short Story Collection, SHIRLEY JACKSON AWARDS

    And she's suffered from night terrors where a shadowy man pursues her. The Shadow Man found her once before when she was sixteen years old and slaughtered her parents. And now, nine years later, he's found her again.The Shadow Man is killing people as he works his way closer to Tara. She can see the murders through his eyes, the clues left behind, and he wants it that way. He takes things from each victim: blood, skin, and other items he needs for his bizarre ritual. But it's all leading up to the most important and central piece of the ritual - Tara.Tara wants to run. She wants to hide - it's what she's always done. But she makes a decision to fight back, to stop the Shadow Man before he kills again.

    Where nature rubs against small towns, in mountains and woods and bedrooms, here is strangeness seen through a poet’s eye.They say there are always greener pastures. These stories consider the cost of that promise.

    A slim, sinister text called The King in Yellow drove those who read it to madness. Despite suppression by anxious authorities, it spread through global culture, and history itself, like a virus. Now the contagion bears hideous fruit.New Tales of the Yellow Sign expands the classic horror mythos of weird tales pioneer and Lovecraft precursor Robert W. Chambers into new vistas of unease and imagination. Over the course of eight troubling stories, writer and visionary game designer Robin D. Laws lures you into diseased timelines, impossible pasts, and the all-too-terrifying present.Sterilize your suicide chamber, harken to the remorseless clicking of your black box, and whistle for the monstrous creature that lives in your basement. The pallid mask awaits.

    Purchase includes a free trial membership in the publisher's book club where you can select from more than a million books without charge. Chapters: Still Life With Woodpecker, Villa Incognito, Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates, Jitterbug Perfume, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Skinny Legs and All, Another Roadside Attraction, Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas. Source: Wikipedia. Free updates online. Not illustrated. Excerpt: Still Life With Woodpecker (1980) is the third novel by Tom Robbins, concerning the love affair between an environmentalist princess and an outlaw. As with most of Robbins' books, it encompasses a broad range of topics, from aliens and redheads to consumerism, the building of bombs, romance, royalty, the moon, and a pack of Camels. The novel continuously addresses the question of how to make love stay. The story is sometimes called a post-modern fairy tale. The book begins in "the final quarter of the twentieth century," at a year never specified, presumably in the early 1980s. It revolves around a family of deposed European royalty living in a small house in the suburbs outside of Seattle, under the protection of the CIA. They consist of: the father, King Max, a former gambler and poker player whose prosthetic heart valve makes a loud scraping noise when he gets excited; the mother, Queen Tilli, an opera-lover with a strong foreign accent and a fondness for saying "Oh, oh, spaghetti-o"; Gulietta, the non-English-speaking maid (and, as it turns out, Max's half-sister) and the daughter, Leigh-Cheri, a redheaded vegetarian liberal princess and former cheerleader, having pulled out of classes after being asked to resign from the cheer squad after having a miscarriage while cheering at a football game. Leigh-Cheri proclaims herself celibate, withdraws from public life and cloisters herself in her room, only to emerge to ask her parents for permission to go to the Care Fest, a lib...More: http: //booksllc.net/?id=217300

    Naomi Evans, the ordinary kindergarten teacher, a devoted mother of two and wife to her loving husband, Tyree, never would have imagined falling for a fine ass street king.Naomi and Tyree have been together since their freshman year in college and he is all that she knows. Three years of marriage to the love of her life seemed perfect… At first. She made the money, he stayed at home with the kids. To many it seems that they are living the New American Dream and to Naomi there is no greater feeling than being with her family.However, that all suddenly changes once she meets a sexy thug named Marquise who desires Naomi from the very moment he lays eyes on her. With just the flash of that million-dollar smile, his cocky attitude and irresistible lips, Naomi becomes intoxicated in Marquise and lets him seduce her on the very first night of their meeting. Ashamed and guilty for stepping out on her husband, Naomi tries her best to forget her encounter with Marquise, but as life continues to throw him in her path, she finds him harder and harder to resist. Marquise suddenly opens Naomi’s eyes to a world of pure ecstasy that she never knew existed, as he pushes her beyond her limits. Limits that Tyree could never dare to reach. Naomi is now torn between the only life that she’s ever known and the life that she has now become so addicted to. And to make matters worse, she begins to drift away from her family in order to get her daily fix with her new addiction. But that isn’t even the best part… Her new addiction has no idea about his competition waiting for Naomi to come home every night. So how will he react to finding out that Naomi Evans isn’t the sweet, single, innocent but freaky girl she made herself out to be?Only time will tell…

     When a mysterious invite arrives in the mail and Father Menchu responds by whisking Sal off to Lichtenstein, the former cop is left on very new ground as she gets more than a glimpse at the broader world of magic users. Unfortunately, they are immediately confronted by a wealthy business man who is less upset about them blowing up his boat two episodes ago, as he is about them stealing his (sludge-demon releasing) book. When the three remaining Team members back in Rome suddenly find themselves under attack, Sal and Menchu are left scrambling for how to help and have to turn to the peculiar techno-cultists whose computers run on seahorses and have a pointed interest in the cop sister of their acquaintance Perry. Welcome to the Market Arcanum. This episode is brought to you by team-writer Margaret Dunlap who shows us that the Society is far from the only fish in the magic-hunting sea—and certainly isn’t the biggest. "Bookburners is sheer enormous fun! Energetic, intense, vivid prose. More soon please." --Naomi Novik, author of Uprooted and the New York Times bestselling Temeraire series "Bookburners is the breathless, hallucinogenic love child of Torchwood, the Librarians, and the Laundry Files. More soon, please." --Ian Tregillis, author of The Mechanical and Bitter Seeds "Bookburners is an exciting new take on urban fantasy. Love the premise, love the characters, love the unique (and sometimes wonderfully disturbing) spin on the dangers of magic!" --Cassandra Rose Clarke, author of The Assassins Curse "Bookburners has everything I want from episodic storytelling - strong writing, a rich premise, and memorable characters that will keep me coming back week after week." --Mike Underwood, author of the Ree Reyes Geekomancy series "Bookburners satisfies my craving for pulpy, demonic chaos with sharp writing, deliciously sinister magic, stellar black humor, and a kick-ass cast. The serialized story perfectly suits a sorcerer’s codex of baddies while the plucky Sal digs for deeper truths in her work with the Black Archives squad." --Lindsay Smith, author of the Sekret Series