She clears your path of all those merciless judgments pronounced by the Quilting Queens. She invites you to make quilts that are full of life. This funny book offers these nine principles for the 20 million quilters in America:           1. Pretty fabric is not acceptable. Go right back to the quilt shop and exchange it for something you feel sorry for.           2. Realize that patterns and templates are only someone's opinion and should be loosely translated. Personally, I've never thought much of a person who could only make a triangle with three sides.           3. When choosing a color plan for your quilt, keep in mind that the colors will fade after a hundred years or so. This being the case, you will need to start with really bright colors.           4. You should plan on cutting off about half your triangle or star points. Any more than that is showing off.           5. If you are doing applique, remember that bigger is dorkier. Flowers should be huge. Animals should possess really big eyes.           6. Throw away your seam ripper and repeat after me: "Oops. Oh, no one will notice."           7. Plan on running out of border fabric when you are three-quarters of the way finished. Complete the remaining border with something else you have a lot of, preferably in an unrelated color family.           8. You should be able to quilt equally well in all directions. I had to really work on this one. It was difficult to make my forward stitching look as bad as my backward stitching, but closing my eyes helped.           9. When you have put your last stitch in the binding, you are still only half finished. Your quilt must now undergo a thorough conditioning. Give it to someone you love dearly—to drag around the house, wrap up in, spill something on, and wash and dry until it is properly lumpy.           "No reason not to have quiltmaking be a pleasure", says Lisa Boyer, who has as firm a grip on her sense of humor as she does on her quilting needles. "If we didn't make Dorky Homemade quilts, all the quilts in the world would end up in the Beautiful Quilt Museum, untouched and intact. Quilts would just be something to look at. We would forget that quilts are lovable, touchable, shreddable, squeezable, chewable, and huggable -- made to wrap up in when the world seems to be falling down around us."

    Each volume’s series editor selects notable works from hundreds of magazines, journals, and websites. The guest editor then chooses the best twenty or so pieces to publish. This unique system has made the Best American series the most respected – and most popular – of its kind.This special e-book sampler contains eleven selections from the 2011 editions.From The Best American Short Stories® edited by Geraldine Brooks:Housewifely Arts by Megan Mayhew BergmanPhantoms by Steven MillhauserFrom The Best American Essays® edited by Edwidge Danticat:Chapels by Pico IyerThere Are Things Awry Here by Lia PurpuraFrom The Best American Mystery Stories edited by Harlan Coben:A Crime of Opportunity by Ernest J. FinneyFrom The Best American Science and Nature Writing edited by Mary Roach:The Killer in the Pool by Tim Zimmermann, Jr.The Whole Fracking Enchilada by Sandra SteingraberFrom The Best American Sports Writing edited by Jane Leavy:The Surfing Savant by Paul SolotaroffNew Mike, Old Christine by Nancy HassFrom The Best American Travel Writing edited by Sloane Crosley: My Year at Sea by Christopher BuckleyMiami Party Boom by Emily Witt

    A fascinating historical document has now emerged which shows that there were indeed rules and in 1973 they were recorded on paper by none other than DCI Gene Hunt himself.Divided into ten sections, The Rules of Modern Policing - 1973 Edition covers everything from interrogating suspects and undercover operations to driving and dress code. Several of the rules are illustrated with diagrams, and photographs of DCI Hunt himself illustrate the more physical parts of the job: how to hit suspects so you don't leave a mark; how to signal the importance of your arrival by crashing into inanimate objects (cardboard boxes are a perfect example here - lots of noise; no damage to your motor); how to roll over the bonnet of your Cortina without making a dick of yourself. Completing the book is an invaluable glossary of police terms, covering everything from blag to lag, and nonce to ponce.An essential reference work for fans of Life of Mars, The Rules of Modern Policing offers a unique insight to seventies' law enforcement that will make you laugh until you cry like the wet little turd you are.

    It had been an extraordinary career. When he first started out in the late sixties, Billy played the banjo in the folk clubs of Scotland. Between songs, he would improvise a bit, telling anecdotes from the Clyde shipyard where he'd worked. In the process, he made all kinds of discoveries about what audiences found funny, from his own brilliant mimes to the power of speaking irreverently about politics or explicitly about sex. He began to understand the craft of great storytelling. Soon the songs became shorter and the monologues longer, and Billy quickly became recognised as one of the most exciting comedians of his generation.Billy's routines always felt spontaneous. He never wrote scripts, always creating his comedy freshly on stage in the presence of a live audience. A brilliant comic story might be subsequently discarded, adapted or embellished. A quick observation or short anecdote one night, could become a twenty-minute segment by the next night of a tour.Billy always brought a beautiful sense of the absurd to his shows as he riffed on his family, hecklers, swimming in the North Sea or naked bungee jumping. But his comedy can be laced with anger too. He hates pretentiousness and calls out hypocrisy wherever he sees it. His insights about the human condition have shocked many people, while his unique talent and startling appearance on stage gave him license to say anything he damn well pleased about sex, politics or religion. Billy got away with it because he has always had the popular touch. His comedy spans generations and different social tribes in a way that few others have ever managed. Tall Tales and Wee Stories brings together the very best of Billy's storytelling for the first time and includes his most famous routines including, The Last Supper, Jojoba Shampoo, Incontinence Pants and Shouting at Wildebeest. With an introduction and original illustrations by Billy throughout, it is an inspirational, energetic and riotously funny read, and a fitting celebration of our greatest ever comedian.

    

    While following the path of her own successful career, Ms. Bulifant managed to navigate the choppy waters of husbands' alcoholism, codependency and an extended family of four marriages.James MacArthur played Danno on Hawaii Five-0. Edward Mallory was Dr. Bill Horton on "Days of Our Lives.” William Asher was the famous director-writer-producer of "I Love Lucy", "Bewitched" and the Beach Party movies. Roger Perry starred in "Star Trek" and over 300 TV shows and films. He has also composed music for Barbra Streisand and Bing Crosby.Along the way Bulifant managed to command the spotlight for her own accomplishments. As Gavin MacLeod’s wife Marie on “The Mary Tyler More Show”, a concerned mother in the movie “Airplane”, dancing with Fred Astaire, and her reoccurring role on “The Match Game.”My Four Hollywood Husbands is a rare peek into what happens off the screen. It’s a story of love, a lasting love that is woven through the fabric of the world of entertainment. It’s also a story about perseverance and overcoming obstacles—and that happy endings are indeed possible.

    With a true geek's unflinching honesty, Wil examines life, love, the web, and the absurdities of Hollywood in these compelling autobiographical narratives. Based on pieces first published in Wil's hugely popular blog, www.wilwheaton.net, the stories in Dancing Barefoot is a vivid account of one man's version of that universal story, the search for self. If you've ever fallen in love, wondered what goes on behind the scenes at a Star Trek convention, or thought hard about the meaning of life, you'll find a kindred soul in the pages of Dancing Barefoot. In the process of uncovering his true geeky self, Wil Wheaton speaks to the inner geek in all of us.

    A perfect evening of comedy. Scenes Include:ACT ONEWord Dance (Part One)The Night the Bed FellFables for Our Time (Part One)The Wolf at the DoorThe Unicorn in the GardenThe Little Girl and the WolfIf Grant Had Been Drinking at AppomattoxCasuals of the KeysThe Macbeth Murder MysteryGentleman ShoppersThe Last FlowerACT TWOThe Pet DepartmentFile and ForgetMr. Preble Gets Rid of His WifeTake Her Up TenderlyThe Secret Life of Walter MiddyWord Dance (Part Two) Only material authorized for the production of this play may be used."Of belly laughs there is abundance...Small, cozy, and completely captivating revue...a sheer delight... joyous, magnificently lunatic festival" - New York Daily News

    Each story is accompanied by a ghastly illustration from the mind of Andy Sciazko... the kind of illustrations that will disturb you in the best way possible.

    From high-class hookers to 7/7 survivors these monologues paint a revelatory picture of Britain as it is today. After rave reviews at the 2008 Edinburgh Festival and in New York, "Eight" opened in London's West End in July 2009.

    The Complete Unexpurgated Scripts of the Original TV Series (Except for the Animation Bits)

    John's, Antigua; Oranjestad, Aruba; Bridgetown, Barbados; Belize City, Belize; Bermuda; Kralendijk, Bonaire; Calica (Playa del Carmen), Mexico; Cartagena, Colombia; Colon, Panama; Costa Maya, Mexico; Willemstad, Curacao; Roseau, Dominica; Falmouth, Jamaica; Freeport-Lucaya, Bahamas; Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands; Grand Turk, Turks and Caicos Islands; St. George's, Grenada; Pointe-a-Pitre, Guadeloupe; Key West, Florida; La Romana, Dominican Republic; Fort-de-France, Martinique; Montego Bay, Jamaica; Nassau, Bahamas; Charlestown, Nevis; Ocho Rios, Jamaica; Progreso, Mexico; Puerto Limon, Costa Rica; Roatan, Honduras; Samana (Cayo Levantado), Dominican Republic; San Juan, Puerto Rico; Santo Domingo, Domican Republic; Santo Tomas de Castilla, Guatemala; Gustavia, St. Barthelemy; Fredericksted, St. Croix; Cruz Bay, St. John; Basseterre, St. Kitts; Castries, St. Lucia; Philipsburg, St. Maarten; Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas; Kingstown, St. Vincent; Road Town, Tortola; and The Valley, Virgin Gorda· Covered ports of embarkation: Baltimore, Maryland; Charleston, South Carolina; Fort Lauderdale, Florida; Galveston, Texas; Houston, Texas; Jacksonville, Florida; Miami, Florida; New Orleans, Louisiana; New York, New York; Port Canaveral, Florida; San Juan, Puerto Rico; Tampa, Florida

    Pearla is a born hustler, and Cash was born to steal. Pearla sets her sights on Cash and motivates him to take his petty crimes to the next level.Together, the two get money throughout the tri-state, while friends and family want to be upgraded without putting in work. At first, the couple makes it rain in the hood, taking care of those they love, but a hustler always knows when to draw the line.Suddenly, Pearla proclaims the ATM closed, and a quiet storm begins to brew. When the beggars can't beg anymore and the borrowers can't borrow anymore, friends become enemies. Words and bullets are exchanged, leaving The House that Hustle Built under attack and at risk of collapse.

    Unlike other e-book editions, the text and chapters are perfectly set up to match the layout and feel of a physical copy, rather than being haphazardly thrown together for a quick release. This edition also comes with a linked Table of Contents for both the list of included books and their respective chapters. Navigation couldn't be easier. Purchase this Edgar Rice Burroughs Collection and treat yourself to the following list of works by this classic author:A Princess of Mars (J.C. 1/5)Tarzan of the ApesThe Return of TarzanAt the Earth's CoreThe Beasts of TarzanThe Gods of Mars (J.C. 2/5)The MuckerThe Son of TarzanJungle Tales of TarzanThe Lost ContinentThe Oakdale AffairOut of Time's AbyssThe Land that Time ForgotThe People that Time ForgotThe Warlord of Mars (J.C. 3/5)Tarzan the UntamedThuvia, Maid of Mars (J.C. 4/5)Tarzan the TerribleThe Efficiency ExpertThe Chessmen of Mars (J.C. 5/5)PellucidarThe Mad KingThe Outlaw of TornThe Monster Men

    This songbook contains easy piano arrangements of a dozen songs from Mel Brooks' Broadway blockbuster, the winner of a record 12 Tony Awards! Includes: Along Came Bialy * Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop * Goodbye! * Haben Sie Gehort Das Deutsche Band? * I Wanna Be a Producer * In Old Bavaria * Keep It Gay * Prisoners of Love * Springtime for Hitler * That Face * 'Til Him * When You Got It, Flaunt It.