And one very annoyed world.Based on the ingenious Sir Michael Twitter account, How to (Almost) Make Friends on the Internet is the funniest book you'll read this year.Whether it's offering his services as a Karate Lawyer or Funeral DJ, devising the world's worst plan to get a free haircut, or trying to buy a blue bucket that may or may not be for sale, Michael just wants to connect with people.The only problem is that people are slightly less enthusiastic about connecting with him, and the results are utterly hilarious.Warning: you'll never think about adding someone called Michael to a group chat the same way ever again.

    To make up for that missed final conversation - and in the hopes of impressing beautiful nurse Sophie - he engages in some good-willed acts of deception- posing as the neglectful relatives of lonely old people in the Peggy Day Aged Cared Home. But when he meets Tamara, a frail and sick 76-year-old with a son she hasn't seen in twelve years, who will really be deceiving who? The Good Son is a story about people fulfilling each other's needs, sometimes unexpectedly. It is about love and fear and relationships, and how we treat the elderly people in our lives. And it is about the difference between blood relatives and the families that we make by choice rather than by birth. And, like all good stories, it involves a road trip.

    . . not banging chicks?" The search is over. Now, with the help of The Playbook, you'll be able to approach any beautiful woman, discover her innermost passion, and use that to trick her into sleeping with you. You'll master more than 75 seduction techniques, developed by pickup guru and all-around good guy Barney Stinson, guaranteed to turn you into a bona fide ladies' man.

    A right comedy of errors if ever there was one. If you're looking for her beauty secrets and fashion ideas you've come to the right place. Read of her intimate sex life, her secrets for staying young and how she keeps her man - just. A fly-on-the wall true account of the life of a romantic comedy novelist, written in her own words. It's all here, the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Publisher Note: We are not responsible for any of the advice given in this book. If you do not look like Lynda after reading this we cannot be held accountable. Warning: Tena Pads recommended while reading.

    When Elly Swift, an agitated passenger beside her on a train, leaves a locket in Anna’s bag before jumping onto the tracks, Anna starts asking awkward questions. But everything points to suicide and the police close the case. Anna, however, believes Elly’s fears for Toby, her young nephew, missing since being snatched from St Stephen’s church six months ago, fail to explain the true reason behind Elly’s distress. Through a series of cryptic clues Elly left behind, Anna starts asking awkward questions, embarking on a dangerous crusade to track down Toby and find Elly’s killer. But nothing is as it seems and Anna opens a can of worms that throws into question the death of her husband, five years earlier - before the threads of the mystery converge in an astonishing conclusion.

    One of Britain's most enduring and famous comedians tells us in his own inimitable style the fascinating and often hilarious story of his life. From disclosures of very painful personal tragedies to extraordinary and outrageously funny anecdotes about the stars he knew, his confessions are blisteringly honest, touching - and often shocking. Crying With Laughter combines heartache with hilarity, sexy showbiz revelations with genuinely moving tales of the hard times, and typically funny jokes with sobering personal reflections, to create a passionate, witty and sparkling account of an extraordinary man's extraordinary life.

    Gary Handler has issues. His boss hates him, his mother hounds him, and his cat thinks he’s an idiot. But that’s okay because Gary’s got the perfect solution to all of life’s troubles: a porn site subscription and his right hand.Sadly, all habits grow old, even the fun ones. Gary soon finds himself at the doorstep of a creepy old pawn shop where he buys a used adult novelty toy to spice up his one-man sex life.Pity for him that it’s cursed by the angry spirits of all the “kids” he’s flushed down the toilet. Needless to say, hairy palms are about to become the least of his worries.----------Jack on, jack off ... with the Jacklight in book 2 of Shingles, the horror comedy series that’s not for those with faint hearts or weak bladders.

    In 1943, he left school aged fourteen and joined Oldham Repertory Company where he earned fifteen bob for a seventy-hour week. After being called up for National Service in 1946 he became a paratrooper and spent several months in Palestine being shot at. On returning home, and to the theatre, Bernard was eventually approached by George Martin, then an A&R man for Parlophone Records, who suggested he made a record. Just months away from producing The Beatles, Martin asked Bernard to come to Abbey Road Studios in north London and, after teaching him how to sing into a microphone, they eventually recorded two hit singles - 'The Hole in the Ground' and 'Right Said Fred'. These, together with appearances in now classic films such as Two Way Stretch and The Wrong Arm of the Law (not to mention a certain television programme called Jackanory), catapulted Bernard to stardom and, by the time he started filming The Railway Children in 1970, he was already a national treasure.Since then, Bernard's CV has been an A-Z of the best entertainment that Britain has to offer, and, thanks to programmes such as the aforementioned Jackanory, The Wombles, and, more recently, Old Jack's Boat, he has become the voice of many millions of childhoods. Seventy-five years in the making and packed with entertaining anecdotes, Bernard Who? tells the wonderful story of one of the longest and most celebrated careers in show business.

    The school production that year was Thornton Wilder’s The Skin of Our Teeth, and she was among the three girls chosen to play the lead role of Gladys Antrobus. Before long, the three “Gladyses” were inseparable friends, and by the time the play debuted, “The Gladys Society” had stretched to twelve members. Thirty years on and living in England, Sandi decided to return to the States to discover what had happened to her eleven fellow Gladyses and, in the process, revisit America. By turns hilarious and moving, this is a delightfully engaging story of friends united and a country rediscovered.

    A fascinating historical document has now emerged which shows that there were indeed rules and in 1973 they were recorded on paper by none other than DCI Gene Hunt himself.Divided into ten sections, The Rules of Modern Policing - 1973 Edition covers everything from interrogating suspects and undercover operations to driving and dress code. Several of the rules are illustrated with diagrams, and photographs of DCI Hunt himself illustrate the more physical parts of the job: how to hit suspects so you don't leave a mark; how to signal the importance of your arrival by crashing into inanimate objects (cardboard boxes are a perfect example here - lots of noise; no damage to your motor); how to roll over the bonnet of your Cortina without making a dick of yourself. Completing the book is an invaluable glossary of police terms, covering everything from blag to lag, and nonce to ponce.An essential reference work for fans of Life of Mars, The Rules of Modern Policing offers a unique insight to seventies' law enforcement that will make you laugh until you cry like the wet little turd you are.

    It might have been the London of the 1950s where 'No Blacks, No Irish No Dogs' was the welcome put out for immigrants, but for the big family that was Anna May Mangan's, it was still better than the poverty they'd hailed from; 'Don't waste today worrying because tomorrow will be even worse' was their motto. But Ireland came with them in the dance halls, holy water and gossip and there was always the warmth of the Irish crowd, in and out of one another's houses 'as if there was no front door'.